Did your Stepdad raise you?

Question

If so please help! My hubby's a GOOD Stepdad. Its been 1+1/2yr. we've been married. My daughter, 13 & him LOVE one another but she's VERY resistant in many ways. She's in contact w/ her biological Dad & thinks the world of him. That's fine but she's just..I don't know how to say it: all consumed w/ him, who's never taken 'good' care of her, doesn't pay child support, had to be tracked down to help out, etc. I decided long ago not to judge or chase him (for her sake: time, $$) anymore. He never missed a b-day or Christmas & that's more than enough for her. Her Stepdad wants to adopt her, give her our name, takes excellent care of her. BUT she's become CLINGY to her bio. dad who lives 5 hrs. away. WHY? They talk through 'myspace' almost daily. He's remarried w/kids - that's great! My Q's are: what names can she call her Stepdad - she won't do "Dad" & the 1st name thing's KILLIN me. As she grows will she appreciate him at all? It seems all that's reserved for a deadbeat. Help, please.

Please forgive the length but this one's BEGGIN for more details. Yes, I had a good Dad and still do in my life & KNOW the bond between Father & daughter. NO, I'm not bitter w/ her Dad at ALL. We're friends. Yes, I know it takes time & that's cool. Both my hubby & I come from very close families so its ironic we're raising my girl who is holding off a bit with my husband - - just feels weird, kind of cold and unfortunate. He was (really) hurt initially but has decided to just let it be. I never put my ex down but after living together 2 years and NEVER answering a phone call or seeing a letter or opening a door to my daughter's dad, things kinda spoke for themselves. But to my daughter, her dad's the king of the world. Yes, I admit it truly hurts & feels kinda like a smack in the face although I know that's not what she's doing purposely... or is she... is she rebelling? I'll lay back on the couch as you counsel me. Thanks, be gentle, please. ;-D

Answer 1

Ok.. im a step-daughter, im a mother of 3 who is remarried , and im also a step - mother.. so i think i may have some kind of insight for you..

My step mom who i was raised with, her name is Mary..when i was a kid, i gave her hell lol.. i loved her, but i hated her all at the same time.. to me my mom was everything.. and i saw my mom every other weekend.. i thought my step mom was the evil witch because she made us do chores, she made us study for school.. ect everything a "good" parent does.. My real mom, was the "good time" mom.. and let us do whatever we wanted on her weekends.. My Step mother told us from day one.. that we could call her anything we wanted as long as we were comfortable with it.. she wouldnt "FORCE" us to call her mom, and she said "She's not trying to take our motherse place" so what every we felt comfortable with thats all that mattered to her, so we always called her Mary .. and my mom would every so often make her digs at my step mother to us, cause she was jealous that we had another woman in our lives.. so that put a slight wedge in our relationship as well.. When i grew up, and got married and had my own children, i started realizing what all it takes to be a parent.. and i started realizing how much my step mother did for me compared to my real mother.. it was my step mother, that cooked dinner every night, took care of me when i was sick, took me to dentist appts , made sure i had everything i needed for girl scouts, ect.. my mom never did any of that..and even as an adult every time i needed a "mom" my step mom always stepped up to the plate, where my real mom didnt..and although i love my real mom.. I now as an adult call my step mom "MOM" because she EARNED that title..and when i need Motherly advice i turn to my step Mom.. and when i got married the second time around, i was told the mother of the bride should sit in the front pew.. (in cases of divorce) .. My mother did sit in the front pew , the mother that raised me.. formally known as MARY.. but rightfully known now as "MY MOM".. she earned the right to sit with my father who had custody of me, to sit in that front pew.. so dont push it.. it will come in do time..

Your daughter is holding on by a thread of hope that one day her real father is going to wake up and want to treat her like "real" dads treat their kids.. and shes wishing.. for it cause although ur husband is her "Daddy" we know this.. to her its not the same as wanting her Bio - Father loving her that way.. so she hopes that if she holds on long enough that he'll turn into this dad that she see's everyone else having, unfortunately in her young age and immaturity she cant see that she does have it, he's just not blood related.. but she will in do time..

I have 2 step children, and sometimes they call me mom sometimes they call me by my first name.. and thats ok , because its more important for me that "THEY" be ok and they feel comfortable.. then what i wished they'd call me, and i realize they have a mom.. and i dont want to take her place, i just want to love them and be apart of their lives, so i'll wait my do time.. till they are ready.. unfortunately they have a mom that is very self absorbed and makes the kids feel they have to choose.. and they say they love me when she's not around but if u put her in a 50 ft radius they clam up.. so me and my step daughter have a code for i love u .. i say see ya later alligator and she says after awhile crocadile.. that way she doesnt have to worry about hurting anyones feelings..

Dont worry about your daughter.. raise her to be the best person she can be, on the inside.. and she'll see the light when she's mature enough to actually evaluate the whole situation..

My 14 yr old son is the same way with his father.. his father has only seen him maybe 10 times in the last 10 years.. 2 times in the last 6 years.. but my son keeps holding on, and wishing and praying and begging his dad for attention.. and thinks the world of him.. because thats his dad plain and simple.. My new husband.. is a great step father, and my son is comming around to him , and i can see in several years my son will see who was actually the "daddy" in this family and who was basically a sperm donor... but i know he has to find his own way just like i did.. and i know its something thats heartbreaking to watch, but something they have to figure out for themselves.. and they will ..

So just let it happen, always do what is right.. and she'll come around when she's old enough to see the "BIG" picture..

Answer 2

I married a woman with 3 kids. 4, 7, and 9. They are now adults, and the 4 year old is 19. I got along well with the two older children, but the youngest NEVER accepted that I was with his Mom. I was always second to his real Dad, even though his Dad has been in and out of prison and various jails all his life. It didn't much bother me when the child was young, but when he continued to treat me as less than his dead beat father into his later teens, it DID bother me. Now, I'm very close to my two older stepchildren- but feel little emotion for the youngest. I guess two out of three ain't bad. I wish it wasn't this way, but there is nothing I can do to change things. The two older kids are doing fine, while the youngest has ALWAYS been a problem, and continues to this day. He refused to work in school, was destructive at home, and would steal anything not nailed down. When we wouldn't allow him to quit school, he ran away, and lived with his Grandmother, so he could quit school. Today, he is a bum, working hard to be as useless as his Dad. I wish I was a good enough person to be able to overlook the fact that just raising him, teaching him to ride a bike, to swim, to read, and to hunt and fish would have meant more than simply impregnating his Mother. Sadly, I'm not.

Answer 3

Yes. My biological Dad left us when I was only about a year old. My StepDad adopted us when I was about 3 yrs. He's the only Father I've ever known. My Nephew is about to marry a girl who has an 8 yr old daughter and they have a 1 yr old together. Although my nephew is raising her she calls him by his first name. She sees her bio Dad once a week but is in love with my nephew and I think she wishes he was her father. It sounds like your daughter just needs to know that her real Daddy loves her and will always be there for her. Give it some time, she'll change as she grows up and matures mentally. I think it's important to allow her to continue to be close to her bio Dad. Little girls are affected greatly later on in life by the relationship they have with their Dads. Things will work out. It sounds like you're married to a great guy, tell him to be patient and maybe do more things with your daughter. Maybe they could have something special that they do together like go bowling, play miniature golf, a favorite tv show...something that becomes "their thing" that they do together. This may bring them closer and make her feel special.

Answer 4

I grew up with a step dad but I call him Dad. His name is Rick, so I would call him Ricky, thats when I was 4 years old. When I turned 13 I searched for my REAL DAD, only to find out that my mom was right about him. I lost hope and focused on my family and then I started calling my step dad Dad. I realized that anyone can be a father but not too many can be a DAD. He is still my best freind. But see,... I found this out on my own, Kids have to do that. U will see,.... in DUE time she will see her bio dads true colors and rely on whats in front of her..... a real man. You cant take it a slap in face, u said it urself: U and ur husband are close to ur family, so its obvious she is going to follow ur example. NO she is NOT rebeling. She wants her dad,.... no one likes to say: My parents are divorced, I have a step dad. But its her situation NOW. Like I said: She will see what U see in DUE time, her time. And you know what? I said and did some real hurtful things to my dad but when u get older u realize it. I said sorry to him and he said: I forgived u a long time ago. That was the sweetest thing he had ever said. I guess we just didnt KNOW how to love one another,... that comes with time too,

Answer 5

I grew up with a step dad and I did not appreciate him until I was older. She will come to realize how good he was to her. Don't force anything. As far as names...can she call him papa? That is an endearing term and it doesn't take away from her own dad. I tell you, the biological bond is a strong bond. I studied this when I was working for a foster family agency and no matter how screwed up the bio families were and how wonderful the foster families were...the kids ALWAYS wanted their bio parents over their foster families. It's boggling to me. But it's true. Don't fret too much over this. They have a good relationship and let it grow and nurture itself. She and they will be fine, mom. And don't ever talk negatively about her real dad. Just support her where she is.

Answer 6

Yes I was raised with my stepdad and bless his soul I gave him a run for his money. Him and I were at it all the time. Same situation with my dad I still love him to pieces but at the time my dad was in another country and that didn't change anything. Things were tough with us but 10 years later I introduce him as my dad, and respect him as my dad, but call him by his first name. Don't push your daughter to call him dad, as long as she gets along with him should be enough. You're lucky that things are good between them. It'll be hard for her to call him anything other than his name b/c she has her other dad and knows him very well plus your husband came into her life at a pretty late age for her to call him dad. I am also a step mother and I have a 12 year old step son. He calls me by my first name and Im totally fine with that. His dad and I have been together for 3 years married for almost 2. His mom also married and has been with her husband for 7 years he calls him dad and my husband (his biological father) papi. We are all cool with the situation. I guess it just works for us. You have to remember these are the toughest years of her life coming up. Pick your battles with her.

Answer 7

Try talking to her, he will never replace her dad no matter how much of a dead beat he is, try Sir, it's casual, yet repectful. Dad will come sooner or later but, she also only 13 give her time. Try a day where he picks her up frome school and play hooky, take her where ever she wants, most likely a mall and have the two of them connect without you there. If she sees how much he cares, then she'll understand how much her bio doesn't.

Answer 8

It's a situation where she needs to find out on her own that her bio father isn't what all he's cracked up to be. He certainly isn't going to tell her anything to make her think this, the truth be known he's painting a pretty picture of himself for her. Some day as she gets older she'll realize that her stepfather picked up what her father threw on the floor. Don't be surprised if she tells him, "Thank you. Thank you dad."

Answer 9

I was raised with a step father .. Its hard on a teenager who loves her father to pieces to fully accept this new man in mums life ...
In answer to your questions

What names can she call her step dad ??- ---
why don't you take her out for a bit of quite time and ask her ?
explain that you wish your new husband to be respected and one does not show respect by calling by a first name...
explain that it is perfectly OK to call him dad if she desires .... that in fact she can have two dads .. what a lucky girl she is ..
IF she chooses to call him Dad .. she is by no means being disloyal to her father who loves her

she might like to call him DA.. or Father instead of Dad .. or what name would she like to call him ?


As she grows will she appreciate him at all? That can only be answered in the way that he nurtures the relationship .. ..it really is out of your hands ... if he trys I can bet she will also ... if he ignores her or doesn't attempt to make friends with her well then you have a war under your roof ...

don't place to much pressure on her at this early stage ...or you could push her the other way ....

Answer 10

Yes...
Give your daughter time and dont make her call stepdad dad, i have two stepsons and they use my name, mom or stepmonster (joking around). I dont mind its what they feel comfortable doing. Your daughter loves her dad no matter how he is, when she grows up she'll see how he is, it just takes time...She may not agree to the adoption either...I cant see bio dad giving up his rights to her, so it may never happen....