I found my birth father by searching the Megan's Law Sex Offender list. What do I say when I meet him?

Question

This is 100% serious. I can find anyone online and I finally found papa after ten years of searching since mama gave me his name.

I really love/hate him, if you know adoptees you'll understand. I want to be like him and to kill him, but first I have to find out more about him.

I've found out the incident involved him drunkenly exposing himself to a underaged teenage employee at a department store. He served a few days of a 90 day sentance. The judge told him to get a job, so at around 60 he's still a huge loser.

But it's his fault mama couldn't keep me, and he never wanted anything to do with me or her, and his family told him to keep her away from them once she got pregnant. How messed up is that?

How can I be a good person, and I am, when my parents are such monsters? And how can I relate to them?

I'm a guy.

Answer 1

I understand the desire to know where you come from but it sounds like you already know more than enough about this guy. You do Not want to invite someone like that into your life. He is a user and will quickly proceed to start using you...for a place to stay, for money, etc. And, just because that is the only thing he got caught for soes not mean he has not done worse. It sounds like your mom did you a Big favor by giving you the chance to be raised out of that situation. As for personality, unless you have inherited some genetic mental disorder, your father's behavior has nothing to do with your own behavior.

Answer 2

Hi, I'm an adoptee too. A few thoughts crossed my mind as I read your post.

First, are you certain you have the right person? Some names can be common so it's possible you might not have the right person.

Next, if it does turn out to be him, that doesn't mean you must have a father/daughter or son relationship with him. Many adoptees are content with pictures, medical info & social history of birthparents. Ask yourself what positive contributions he could add to your life. Some people will stop short of nothing but a relationship or at least a personal meeting. Talk to your mother to find out more information about him. That might be enough.

Also - there is no need to rush into anything. It takes time to let surprising information like that sink in. I know it took me a while to accept facts so give yourself time to reflect and to consider if a relationship with him is what you really want. If you decide not, you can always change your mind at some point in the future. Just the fact that you have found him and you know the truth now is in itself a positive result because you will not have to live the rest of your life in a state of uncertainty. Any truths can be accepted in time, no matter what they are. Living with unknowns are always worse!

Then remind yourself that whatever HE has done, YOU are in no way responsible for it! Those were choices that HE made in his life. It does not reflect on you whatsoever. You were the innocent party here so don't hold yourself accountable.

Adoptees everywhere are always in my prayers. Good luck.

Answer 3

Remember this: Your parents are the ones who raised you, not the ones who gave you life. The person you are now has nothing to do with your father outside of physical traits. Thank God you mom cared enough to give you up for adoption so that you could have a chance at a decent life.

As for meeting your birth father, ask yourself if you'd want your daughter to meet him given that he's a sex offender? He got caught once, but there's no telling how many times he may've done similar things. I've been drunk and never have come close to doing anything like that. You don't need that kind of negative influence in your life.

Answer 4

I think you should try to observe your father from a distance...and NOT talk to him until you have observed him interacting with others. If he is so very horrible, I believe you would not want to meet him, but if it is the only way you feel you must follow, be ready for disappointment. You are right. Considering his sordid past behavior and the fact that at his age he has no job, he must be a loser. You should concentrate on being with people who are successful and not losers. It is your choice to be a positive, productive person. Find a supportive mentor and leave the bad things behind. Focus on the positives in your future. If you do speak to him, I would ask him how he would behave if he had his life to live over again?

Answer 5

First of all, you are the person you decide to be, meaning that no matter who or what your parents are, you can be a good person yourself.
Secondly, where is it written that you have to relate to them or have any sort of relationship with them?

Answer 6

You don't have to relate to them, it's all about choice. You can choose not to relate to them and be the good person you were raised. As for seeing them, they could answer alot of things you could be curious about. Good luck :)

Answer 7

uhm wow. i really don't know what to say. but calm down. if you really want to meet your father, it might not be that bad.

&when you meet him. you should tell him that you've always wanted to know who he was. &that now is the right time to do it.

Answer 8

OK, you need to talk to your dad and tell him how you feel. Tell him what you are scared of becoming and how much he hurt you. you have to be honest with him and yourself. Then after taking that big step I suggest you take some counseling. You need someone that you can talk to and trust with your feelings and know one will hold it against you.

Answer 9

Don't touch me