Although I have reason to I have to say I think I hate my stepkids and it makes me feel lousy because I do love their father and want him to be a part of their lives. His kids have hurt me in ways I won't ever forget, have abused and tormented my kids and made our lives miserable when they were here this summer for visit. I have helped his oldest and her husband and kids out with furniture and clothes for the kids, the middle one lived with us for awhile and I treated her the same as my kids and his son was treated the same when he was here. If I bought for my kids Ibought for them, if we took my kids somewhere they went as well there was never a difference made in kids. When the kids came down this summer they were sent home early because of them being rude, disrespectful, refusing to follow rules and being violent with my kids. It has been over three months and I still fume when I think about it. What can I do to mend it so they can have a relationship with dad
2006-09-30 16:25:58 · 17 answers · asked by Martha S 4 in Family & Relationships ➔ Family
my husband is caught in the middle and it hurts he loves his kids but he loves me and my kids I want them around but at the same time I want them to treat us with the respect they should and not beat my kids. Their mother is no help as she says it is all our fault and the oldest that is married just comes around when she wants something. The kids need help but we can't do anything because they arent here. It is almost x-mas and he wants them down but after it going so bad this summer he doesn't at the same time. HELP
2006-09-30 16:29:20 · update #1
Al I can say, is give it somemore time. I raised my stepkids and I still hate them. I know its a terrible thing to say, but they made my life a living hell, and their dad never supported me and my decisions when it came to them.
They had an evil mother and they knew it, but they ended up living closer to her, which I love, but at the same time, I think, how could they? They are just as mixed up as their mom.
I know how youre feeling. I went thru it, only difference was, we didnt have our own child till his kids were almost grown. They were very jealous, cuz OUR son got all the attention.
Just give it more time, you may feel better about it in awhile. I doubt it, but you know youll have to let them come back. But stand your ground. If they dont know how to be nice, then they dont need to be there, and your hubby needs to agree. My husband didnt care, as long as he got to have his kids with him. UGHHHH(finger down throat) I still get furious like you, when I think about the things I went thru and his kids knew they had won.
I wish you all the best. I know how ******* hard it is. The funny thing is, Im such a fake around my hubbys kids, they just love me, they have no clue how I feel about them. lol...isnt that bad? oh freakin well.
2006-09-30 16:37:45 · answer #1 · answered by ~~ 7 · 1⤊ 1⤋
firstly stop fuming and let go of the situation. it's been 3 months so you need to process, and remember but also forgive. it is commendable that you are open-minded and still want the father to have a relationship with his kids, because he should. don't wait until christmas to invite them over again though. have them over before this time, and maybe not all the kids at once. for example, if the oldest comes separately from the others it may be easier to handle. now then, the only thing you can do, and you must do this, is set clear boundaries around his children when they come and visit. let the visits gauge whether christmas is a good idea to celebrate together or not.
2006-09-30 16:55:52 · answer #2 · answered by gurrrly 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
This is now your family. Perhaps you made a mistake, perhaps you didn't, but either way, you need to go from here. Do what you can to let it go after they leave, every time. If you and your husband have a good relationship, don't dwell on his kids when they're not around. House rules are fine, they have to include respecting the rights of others, and if the consequences are that they leave early, so be it. Make sure their father does as much of the enforcing as possible; he needs to insist that they treat you decently, and that they don't completely trounce the rights of your kids.
I feel worst for your kids, actually. This was done to them.
2006-09-30 16:33:22 · answer #3 · answered by Singinganddancing 6 · 3⤊ 0⤋
It sounds to me like you and your husband need to get together and stand as one with ALL the children. You must agree on what is appropriate and what is not, what will be allowed and will not, etc........, then stand together as ONE. Kids will tear and pull you apart especially if leadership is not standing together or one of the leaders allows things like disrespect and the other is trying to stop it. That is a house divided. If they cannot respect both of you they cannot come. It will tear you and your husband apart someday. Remember, standing as one creates a strong foundation. God Bless and both of you stay strong. It doesn't end overnight, it was not created overnight. Everything takes time. As you continue to practice unified strength before these kids they should fall in line but be consistent. If they see cracks in the wall they'll knock it down! Keep on pushing forward!
2006-09-30 16:38:39 · answer #4 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
Well, you can either let them run over you, divorce their dad or stand your ground and take the heat. It is a tuff situation. I also have a step daughter who is rude to me. Tells me that she doesn't have to listen to me, etc. It makes it easier that my husband backs me up, but it still hurts that your husband's child hates you. I have gotten to the point of dreading her visits.
Maybe you could try keeping visits short so fewer problems are able to come up. Maybe just a day or weekend at a time. Definitely not for weeks. If you're husband loves you surely he would agree to that so that you aren't made miserable for extended amounts of time.
The sad truth is that if something doesn't happen to remedy the situation you're resentment of these children could lead to your divorce, and nobody wants that.
I wish you good luck!
2006-09-30 16:34:20 · answer #5 · answered by randella_24 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Gosh, I give you alot of credit for thinking of their relationship. But, dad may need to be the one working at this. Those kids let you down and in time as they get older, things will get better. For now, you need a little more time to recoup from the last visit. Do nothing until Christmas time. Your heart is truly in the right place.
2006-09-30 16:43:42 · answer #6 · answered by MM 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
You must recover from the entire "dangerous beyond" factor. It's without doubt no longer the fault of the ones youngsters. You're naturally no longer blaming their mom, so why might you maintain them accountable? Welcome to parenthood. You must clear up those emotions, and get on with being a dad. Or, you must go away the connection and allow her discover anybody who will also be each a accomplice to her, and a father to her youngsters. I'd get a few counselling and speak it out. You look like a moderately emotionally clever individual - you simply want a few gear to transport ahead. Good for you for short of to clear up it.
2016-08-29 09:53:57 · answer #7 · answered by sykes 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Don't let your husband hear that you hate his kids. Then have him put his foot down on behavioral problems. Some men who don't have custody of the kids tend to let them get away with anything. However, if they are rude at your house they are probably the same way with their mother. If the child is an adult let her know you expect the same respect in your house that she demand in her own house. And if you put it to your husband the right way he will back you up every time .... Let him know that your problems with his children is His problem also.
2006-09-30 16:37:36 · answer #8 · answered by Daddy Big Dawg 5 · 1⤊ 1⤋
Wow. That's a tough one. If they want to have a relationship with their dad, they need to follow the rules that the TWO of you have worked out together, or they need to go. It's your family/house now, and you need to make sure your own kids are safe, or they will resent you later for it.
2006-09-30 16:29:08 · answer #9 · answered by TrainerMan 5 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Well I have a step mom and to step brothers. They are probally just not used to all the change and are scared. I am 14 and my dad married my step mom, Deedee, when I was 8 yrs old i think and for a while I didnt like, Deedee, but now I do. She is like another mom to me. Just give them time things will work out. This feels weird giving advice to an adult. lol
2006-09-30 16:32:41 · answer #10 · answered by dancingurl_22 1 · 0⤊ 1⤋