I consider myself a good mother, but my 17yo daughter treats me in a very hateful way. What can I do?

Question

Her older siblings are away at school, my husband lives and works in another state, so it is just us. She is 8 inches taller than me, and outweighs me, which sometimes scares me. I volunteer at her school, and all her friends all like me, but she makes fun of me for this, and often tells me they don't like me. I am at my wit's end. I just don't know what to do anymore.

Answer 1

being a teen myself, this may not be much help. I just turned 18 and moved out of my parents house to go to college. I have two older sisters who moved out to go to college earlier and it got hard not having one of them right there to talk to. during my senior year of high school i wanted nothing to do with my parents. my mother always told me how she thought i hated her and "didn't love her anymore" the truth was, I'm growing up. I'm starting the process of seperating myself from them so I can learn to be on my own but have my parents there to pick me up when I fall. I couldn't wait to move out and be on my own. but being the first month at college, now I look foward to going home on various weekends for family events. Just make sure she's not doing anything illegal or hurting herself. otherwise try to give her her space and her own time with friends because sooner or later she's going to be out on her own and as sad as it is, that's when she'll realize how much she's needed you and your bond with her may become that much closer. I know i'm no expert and really, I don't know your family situation or your daughter. but reading your post seemed so familiar to my situation I just thought I should share. hope it helps.

P.S. everyone is saying to kick her out or send her to boot camp, maybe I really don't understand your situation. To express my feelings, I think that could be the worst thing, to abandon a child. She may be crying out for help.

Answer 2

All teens go through this spreading their wings and not wanting mom around phase.. they all get mean between 13-college age... most kids do.. It is the normal leaving the nest thing that kids go through.

But - it sounds like she actually physically intimidates you or threatens you which is not normal and must be coming from some anger she is holding onto.. possibly because her dad is not around. You did say husband but I don't know if you are still together since he does live and work in another state - not sure. She sounds angry and may need someone to talk to other than her friends to work through her anger. She does not realize I guess that you are on her side and that she should keep you close - our moms should be our best friends escpecially when they are caring and available - mine is and always has been but my sister was totally different. She always pushed my mother away and still does to this day. We are just different people.

I would try to write her a letter perhaps and phrase things like this instead of "attacking her" cause if you do she will just get defensive and close down - tell her that when she does this, it makes you feel like this, etc. Maybe if she has to read something she won't interrupt and may have more time to think about it and take things in. Let her know that you love her and want to have a good relationship with her and that you don't understand the anger that she has for you when all you are is there for her unconditionally.

If nothing gets through, I would schedule an appt to see a family therapist since she is 17 still - in my state she is still a minor. Someone needs to get her to open up and help repair this relationship. I am sorry you are going through this.. Let her know again - in some other way how you are feeling and ask her why she is so angry and tell her it is ok to tell you why - no matter what. Is she using drugs or alcohol? Does she have a healthy relationship with her dad or miss him and resent that he is not there, etc - something is causing this.

:o) Good luck!

Answer 3

Well I am glad to share my opinion with you because I have a friend who is walking in your footsteps. I don't know all of your details, but I will just go from her case. Your daughter (dtr), seems to be a spoiled brat. I don't mean to be hurtful or criticizing or anything like that, but that's just how it seems. I am assuming that she leads a normal life and has everything she could ever want. That is more than likely the problem. She thinks she is grown now and since she is bigger than you she feels superior. Is she a daddy's girl?? It could be that she misses him and is somehow showing some resentment to you. She doesn't have the right to do that though. And you should NEVER EVER EVER let her know that the size difference scares you. This will only make things worse if she feels that she can intimidate you and be a bully. I think you should just let her have what she wants. If she is telling you that her friends don't like you and she makes fun of you for trying to be part of her life, then you should stop doing it. Let her see what it feels like to not have you there. She is taking you for granted. Stop doing those little extras that you do for her. I know it may hurt you just because you ARE a good mother and you do love her. But it will help her in the long run. Don't feel like you are neglecting her, she's 17 yrs old and practically grown, so let her get a taste of real life. Do only what is a necessity. Don't try to be her best friend, be strictly her mother! She will soon realize that it wasn't so bad and that she was making a mistake by treating you this way. Just remember to be strong and hang in there.

Answer 4

I Was very rebellious when i was younger, i always thought my mom didn't care and i would acted up, it was always a fight with us,. but then, i i got pregnant when i was 20, i guess it was the pregnancy but my whole life change, i was 5 months pregnant and i always wanted to go see my mom..cuz by now i lived with my b/f, well i missed her very much even if she live just a few miles away, I then learned to appreciate her very much. I looked back, and i have been able to see what had happened, my mom had cancer and my dad never helped financially. plus he had a drinking problem, my mom was very stress and would take it out on us and would hit us A LOT! Witch made me believe from the time i was 4 till i was 16 that she didn't care, I would have to get into trouble in order for her to give me her attention. From the way she was it has thought me that no matter what problems us parents have we should Never take it out on our children. I do know now that she loved me very much, but i wish i would have understood this a lot sooner, I was never able to open up to her as i wish i could.
I guess what am trying to tell you is that. you should look back and be very honest with your self, ask ur self if you have done something to make her feel like you dont love her, if not, then she is just being very ungrateful and when she turns 18 let her be completely on her own, so after a few months without mommies help she will realize how much she need's you, and how much she misses you and loves you:-) I wish you and ur daughter the best of luck!

Answer 5

She is an adolescent, she is insecure and has not yet discovered who she really is, or wants to be. You are a secure person and therefore she envies you. She will eventually grow out of this.
It seems to me that you are treating her like an equal and in a lot of cases this would be a natural thing at that age. For once maybe you should treat her like the child she is and attempt to be a mother rather than a girlfriend to her. You are the person in authority here and therefore she must show you the proper respect. You have the right to demand that!

Answer 6

Maybe in some way she feels you are closer to the other kids than to her. It is hard to know sometimes what these young kids think. Ask her outright "do you have a problem with me being at your school?" Even though she is taller, you are in control, it is your home and your money taking care of her, don't be afraid of her or even act it, if it gets too bad tell her dad that you both need to talk to her. Maybe she just don't know how to handle complimenting you so she is joking instead, and you are taking it wrong too

Answer 7

As a mother of 5 girls, I went through the "I hate you" phase and many bouts of depression with 3 of them. I completely understand. I also know that they are growing up in a society that is completely void of sensitivity and moral standards. No shock value to anything. They are subjected to this everyday. Just sit her down like I did and tell her exactly how you feel. Tell her you love her and will always be there for her and then just pray. It's all you can do. My oldest just had a baby girl and tells me loves me everyday. I must have done something right.

Answer 8

i don't probable see why she's so mean to you. you will desire to attempt and circulate to courtroom and function the visitation rights bumped off in case you think of her beginning mom is a nasty impact. I mean it would not sound such as you have achieved something to make her hate you or something. have you ever or your husband ever talked to her approximately it? I also have a step-mom and whilst we first met i did not like her the two, even nonetheless it became into basically because of the fact I felt like she had by some potential come between my mothers and fathers and stored them from getting back collectively. yet that became into approximately 8 years in the past and for the previous 4 we've been exceptionally solid friends. If there is not something incorrect with you and your husband you need to not circulate away him because of the fact of his daughter. attempt proscribing the long sessions of time the place she sees her mom. I mean i realize it form of feels kinda harsh even nonetheless it would not sound like her mom taken care of her good interior the 1st place. His daughter would have some issues of her mothers and fathers being divorced so according to probability you will desire to attempt kin counseling or some thing like that. superb desires!

Answer 9

Just keep being a loving and good mother. I hated my mom when I was a teen, but I also loved her very much. You may be her punching bag as a way for her to deal with what is going on at school. That doesn't mean it is right. She should find a better way to deal with her emotions, but, for me, I just had to grow out of it.

Answer 10

If she is going to be that rebellious and redicule you that much, take away every possible priviledge that she has and that includes a car if she has one. If she doesnt work, do not give her money. And if she does get violent with you, do not hesitiate to call the police. You always have to show that you have the upper hand in the parent child relationship otherwise they will always walk all over you and disrespect you.