she has the idea set in her head still that im not her stepdad just moms husband and no matter what i try she will have nothing to do with me i would like us to be like a family anything i tell her to do she just rolls her eyes at me and even does the same when her mom trys to enforce what i say i understand shes a teen and i myself dont agree with that excuss i think she should still have to listen to what we both say anyone have any suggestions
2006-09-30 06:42:13 · 19 answers · asked by fharris25 1 in Pregnancy & Parenting ➔ Parenting
we have been together 3 years and seems like as time goes on she has only gotten worse even more so since im in the Navy now
2006-09-30 06:58:11 · update #1
she sees her dad at least once a year since right now we live across the oppisite side of the states and she is allowed to call him when ever she wants but never does my wifee usually has to tell her call your father
2006-09-30 07:01:46 · update #2
Try to do something that she enjoys. Take her out to lunch, to a movie, or go clothes shopping. Some sort of bonding experience.
2006-09-30 06:43:49 · answer #1 · answered by buffyfan80 2 · 1⤊ 0⤋
When I first got married, I also married a 13 year old stepdaughter. First, make sure that she understands that you are not trying to take the place of her father but she needs to understand that you are the head male figure in the house and you are to be respected. Your new wife needs to do all that she can do to make sure that her daughter understands that as well. I am from the old school and under no circumstances is it ok for a child to be rolling her eyes at any adult, even more so to the ones that feed her, clothe her, and put a roof over her head. In your defense you have a hard battle in front of you because it sounds like mom did not have much control BEFORE you came into the picture. I made sure that my stepdaughter understood that I would never harm her or let anyone else harm her but she would not run my household, my husband backed me 100% on that and now we have a great 18 year old. Stick to your guns and it will get easier, it is like you are raising a newborn again and you missed the first 13 years. Good luck in you endeavors.
2006-09-30 13:57:37 · answer #2 · answered by chocolatedrop125 1 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Understand that she may need a lot of time to consider you her step dad, and a lot of that doesn't necessarily have to do with you. For example a close friend's mother married when my friend was 11 just the in the past few years (she is now 28) she has now started to call him dad and appreciate what he has done for her family. I suggest trying to just drop this subject until she is ready and understand it could take a long time. Secondly, you need to address this issue of disobedience as a unified front with your wife. Though the daughter may not call you dad you are an authoritative figure in the household and this needs to be respected. Unfortunately, that is as far as I can go on the discipline thing as I don't have any children. Best of Luck!
2006-09-30 13:55:02 · answer #3 · answered by meona 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Okay, well I have my perspective for two reasons 1. I was a 13 year old pain in the butt when my mom got remarried (and my daddy was a very intrigal part of my life. and 2. I'm a stepmom of a 13 year old so here goes:
The main reason I "hated" (even though I secretly liked) my stepdad is that I felt like he was taking away from the attention we were getting from mom. Life no longer revolved just around me and my sisters, of course we were able to just get away with anything when mom was single. then this man came into our lives and started to make us follow rules that we weren't used to, we had to share our time with mom, it was really hard. I would suggest that you make a special date with your step daughter at least once a month, just the two of you and make sure your wife does the same. You daughter needs to realize that you are not "stealing" her mom, you simply want to enjoy your life with her and her children. If you can make it to all her games if she plays sports it will show her that you have a personal interest in her and it's not just because of her mother. If she is being punished everytime she is rude or disrespectful she will blame you for "ruining her life" but you have to be strong because it is not acceptable for any child to disrespect an adult regardless of who they are. Good luck...again, stay strong. I gaurantee you she will love you when she out grows this awkward stage.
2006-09-30 14:14:59 · answer #4 · answered by azile_wehttam 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Well, for one, try to spend time with her, doing something she enjoys, so she doesn't just see you as her mom's mean husband that's trying to boss her around.
Also explain to her that you are not trying to be/take the place of her father, but that you are a part of her life now, and you are the adult, and that she needs to respect you at least as an adult if not anything else.
Your wife also needs to work closer with you in enforcing that what you or her say goes. I say, if all else fails, have a serious family discussion, and just let her know that her behavior is unacceptable.
2006-09-30 13:48:01 · answer #5 · answered by Ms Independent 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Did you just get married? It may just be her reluctance to accept that her parents aren't going to get back together. I have a 15 yr old sd, but she accepts me, as me (although I am not all to sure how much she likes me at times). If I find something that needs "correction" I try to talk to my hubby first, and let him handle it (which he does not do to my satisfaction very often).
I try to view my role in her life as her advocate. When her parents are being stupid and doing stupid things, which make her life miserable I try to step in and say, wait, this is about her, not you and what you are proposing is not best for her. I think, now that she is older, she appreciates that role that I have taken.
My husband is also a rather long winded fellow, so sometimes he gets into a lecture over something and I talk to her about it afterwards, because I swear her eyes glaze over when he gets going. I try to do this is a "cool", direct, short and to the point way.
You didn't state how much her dad is or isn't in the picture, but that could also impact it. You never know what he is saying about you.
Girls this age like a few things well: iming their friends, going to the mall, computers, music. Maybe you could take her out to the mall.........and talk to her in the car, this is one of the best times to talk to teens -- no escape, and no face to face. Be concise -- I don't want to be your dad or replace him, but I do want us to be as much of a family as we can be. I care about you and what happens to you, because you are part of your mother, and I love her very much. Tell her you will always treat her with respect and you hope she can treat you that way too. You can also tell her you know she is not a little girl, but you want to be there, if she needs help in math, etc (whatever your strong suit is).
If this is a newer relationship I would steer clear of lots of disciplining. It will only serve to leave a bad taste in her mouth.
Good luck, I know this is tough.
2006-09-30 13:54:35 · answer #6 · answered by Beth M 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Maybe try to reinforce you are an authority figure without being a butt about it. She is a teenager so she thinks she is the boss and can do whatever she wants. Puts you in a difficult position. You could try to sit down with the girl and your wife and have your wife tell her that what you say goes. Poor guy, I had a step-father, but he was horrible and abusive. Good luck!
2006-09-30 13:47:02 · answer #7 · answered by emmadropit 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋
13 is a rough age for a girl...as much as you are trying and sounds like it you just have to keep trying...her parents are divorced and her dad does not live close so she prob resents YOU for that cause you trying to take the fatherly roll. try to butter her up, offer her some material things then once she sees that you are giving you may be able to talk and develop a relationship. you first have to get into her world some way some how. spend extra time with just her, do things that you know she likes...make yourself involved in what SHE likes. then you can develop conversation in her world. its a VERY VERY hard job being a step-parent. i have 2 step-daughters (12 an 13) but its easy for me because i am a woman so i can relate to them easier. the both adore me but i still continue to work because a step=parents role is always being challenged.
maybe offer to ride her and a friend to the mall...YOU suggust somthing she and a friend might like...hopefully she will open up in time. not over night. do things/act so that she will she that you are "cool" and are trying. she may need a heart to heart talk with only you letting her know what you intentions are....just to lover her and her mom and take care of them and make them happy. be sure to make her aware that you are not trying to take her dads place and are aware of the line not to cross... good luck its tough...if i can of any more help email me. remember TRY TRY TRY!!!
2006-09-30 20:54:06 · answer #8 · answered by bossy 1 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I went through the same thing. From the time I was about 14 to 16, I went through this stage of HATING my mom's boyfriend. Not because I really hated him, (I actually liked him) but because I just wanted to be a pain in the ***. Girls this age are really tough to deal with. It is just a stage, don't try to make her like you, she will eventually realize she was acting ridiculous and she will mature. No matter what you tell her or buy her, it won't make a difference, just wait it out. Now, I am 20 years old and I realize how stupid I acted and why I acted like that. Good Luck!!
2006-09-30 13:47:36 · answer #9 · answered by Rebecca 4 · 2⤊ 0⤋
your not her DAD it was not her choice to have you around it is your job to help her like you not her responsibility to just accept you. YES she should obey her mother but, for many reasons she seems to have a lack of respect 4 her mom. Maybe her mom has not provided a stable home for her she is confused and tired of change. I think you should start by not trying to control her that's not your job. You need to have a civil relationship with her try being active in her life getting to know her friends taking her places maybe to a mall or movies. I'm not saying be her best friend i think you have in your head I'm the step dad she needs to do as i say and that's not TRUE. IT TAKES TIME my mom re married when i was 7 i never saw that man as my dad WHEN I WAS YOUNGER! it was JUST MOMS BF. I did grow to accept him and he did not boss me about or order me to listen to him. He died when i was 18 i was crushed he never forced his presence on me he was there for me when i needed him we got close when i was much older. 3 years is not long enough 4 her to know your in this for the LONG HAUL you could leave today in her head so why should she invest herself emotionally? .
2006-09-30 14:32:12 · answer #10 · answered by ally'smom 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
well i have a stepdaughter and it was hell for a while she would tell me that she hated me and i would reply i don't care if you don't love me but you are going to respect me that means more to me any way and she may as well get used to me because i am going to be around for a long time,so we mind as well try to get along ,that's been 18 years ago,now we are together all the time she even calls me mom. it takes time don't push her just be there when she needs you lots of luck
2006-09-30 14:00:57 · answer #11 · answered by ann p 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋