Anyone got a good joke?

Question

I heard one yesterday which wasn't very nice so nice ones please

Answer 1

One day a sardarji was playing chess (which itself is a big joke)with his dog. then, one of his neighbour came in and saw him playing, commented, oh your dog must be quite intelligent as he can play chess. sardarji replied ... ohh no way .. its not intelligent then me, he lost 3 games out of 5.

Answer 2

1. A blonde is explaining to her girlfriend the bad day she'd had at work, and that her boss had suffered a heart attack and died.
"How horrible!" said the friend, "What did you do?"
The blonde replies, "Well there was nothing I could do. He kept yelling at me to call 9-1-1, but he wouldn't tell me the rest of the numbers!"

2. Once upon a time a Blonde was hard up for money.
She was too much of a blonde to think of something logical to do,
so she decided to kidnap a child for ransom.
So the next day she went to a nearby playground and when nobody was looking, she pulled a random kid behind a tree and said, "You're kidnapped, so be quiet and don't give me any trouble." The little boy, too startled to do anything stood there in shock. The Blonde then pulled out a note that read:
"I am a desperate Blonde hard up for money. I have kidnapped you kid and if you ever want to see him again you arrange for 5,000 dollars in non-sequencial, unmarked bills to be put next to this tree by 12:00 tonight, or else."
She handed the note to the kid and told him to give it to his mother. The next day the Blonde found the bag of money next to the tree. Inside the bag was a little note that read:
"Here is the money. How could you do this to a fellow Blonde?"

Answer 3

If you are an American, you will love this one:

Once upon a time a Blonde was hard up for money.
She was too much of a blonde to think of something logical to do,
so she decided to kidnap a child for ransom.

So the next day she went to a nearby playground and when nobody was looking, she pulled a random kid behind a tree and said, "You're kidnapped, so be quiet and don't give me any trouble." The little boy, too startled to do anything stood there in shock. The Blonde then pulled out a note that read:

"I am a desperate Blonde hard up for money. I have kidnapped you kid and if you ever want to see him again you arrange for 5,000 dollars in non-sequencial, unmarked bills to be put next to this tree by 12:00 tonight, or else."

She handed the note to the kid and told him to give it to his mother. The next day the Blonde found the bag of money next to the tree. Inside the bag was a little note that read:

"Here is the money. How could you do this to a fellow Blonde?"

Answer 4

THE WORLDS SHORTEST FAIRY TAIL

Once upon a time a man asks a woman to marry him, and she says NO, and the man lived happily ever after
And went Fishing, Golfing, Boozing and Shagging.
And he still had money in his pocket at the end of every week.

Answer 5

There are three guys on top of a tall building.

The first guy looks down and jumps.

The second guy hears a "swoosh" and watches the first guy come back up.

"Wow! That was amazing!" the second guy says.

"Thanks," says the third guy, "The air current pulled me back up. Watch." So, again, the first guy dives off the building and with a "swoosh" comes back up.

"Show me!" cries the second guy.

The first guy tells him to lean over the builind and when he feels an "air current" to jump and it will carry him back up.

The second guy leans over and waits. He feels the wind blow. "Is that it?" he asks.

"Yes."

So, the second guy jumps off and kills himself.

The third guy walks over to the first guy ans says...

"That wasn't very nice Superman."

Answer 6

three irishmen, drunk as can be come staggering down the street singing danny boy at the top of their lungs. they stopped in front of flahertys house still singing. after a few minutes
the window flies open and mrs. flaherty yells out, why don't you drunken sots go somewhere else. are you mrs. flaherty? asks one of the drunks. you know dam well i'm am she says.
well can you tell us which one of us is your husband so the other two of us can go home.

Answer 7

One day Mrs. Jones went to have a talk with the minister at the local church. "Reverend," she said, "I have a problem, my husband keeps falling asleep during your sermons. It's very embarrassing. What should I do?"

"I have an idea," said the minister. "Take this hatpin with you. I will be able to tell when Mr. Jones is sleeping, and I will motion to you at specific times. When I motion, you give him a good poke in the leg."

In church the following Sunday, Mr. Jones dozed off. Noticing this, the preacher put his plan to work. "And who made the ultimate sacrifice for you?" he said, nodding to Mrs. Jones.

"Jesus!", Jones cried as his wife jabbed him the leg with the hatpin.

"Yes, you are right, Mr. Jones," said the minister. Soon, Mr. Jones nodded off again. Again, the minister noticed. "Who is your redeemer?" he asked the congregation, motioning towards Mrs. Jones.

"God!" Mr. Jones cried out as he was stuck again with the hatpin.

"Right again," said the minister, smiling. Before long, Mr. Jones again winked off. However, this time the minister did not notice. As he picked up the tempo of his sermon, he made a few motions that Mrs. Jones mistook as signals to bayonet her husband with the hatpin again.

The minister asked, "And what did Eve say to Adam after she bore him his 99th son?"

Mrs. Jones poked her husband, who yelled, "You stick that goddamned thing in me one more time and I'll break it in half and shove it up your @$$!"

"Amen," replied the congregation


(wait another moment there is another one.)

Answer 8

Okay I got one. This pigmy enters a bar and asks the bartender for a glass of wine and a bloody mary.
Ahhh, dammit ! I'm not good at telling jokes...

Answer 9

alritey, here's one...

on the first class at a medical school, the professor brought his students into a morque. he said, "listen up, to be a good doctor, u got to be willing to do anything and u must possess a great power of observation." with that, much to the horror of his students, he stuck his finger into a corpse asshole, twirl it about then took it out n lick it.

with that, he summoned the whole class to repeat his action on the corpse. reluctantly, the whole class did as told. when they've settled into their seats later on, the professor then said,"ok, if u've been observant, i stuck my middle finger into the asshole but i lick my index finger."

(^_^)

Answer 10

A man goes to his priest looking for advice.

"Father," he said, "I think my wife is trying to poison me! What should I do??"

"Fear not, my son," the preacher replied, "I will talk with her."

The next day, the priest summoned the woman to the church, and he had a long talk with her. The man came back and asked the priest what he had learned.

"My son," said the priest, "you were right - your wife is trying to poison you."

Terrified, the man cried "That's horrible! What should I do?!?!"

The priest replied "Well, I spoke to your wife for two hours yesterday. My advice? Take the damn poison."