Agitated, Frustrated, full of rage....what can I do to get this under control?

Question

I have a common problem; I get extremely annoyed with my father, and my father only. I can't tell whether it's meaningless or I have some deep issues with him, but whatever the case I try to convince him it's nothing and that he shouldn't worry about it. I have trouble hiding the fact that I want to kick his face in or scream whenever he's around. So, he (rightfully) gets the impression that I'm agitated or annoyed any given time he tries to talk to me.
How do I deal with this rage? I really don't see the two of us resolving whatever makes me 'hate' him so much, but I do care about him and wish I could be a bit more personable. I need a way to either calm down, or be a really good actress...because I can't continue getting so pissed and there's no way I'm discussing with him why I get so annoyed and frustrated. Any suggestions, other than telling him how I feel? Trust me, I've tried before. It doesn't work.

I would have said exactly what made me angry if I knew. He does have a few psychiatric problems. Post-Traumatic Stress from the Vietnam War, he's had some serious anger problems. He's never hit me or anything but I see his rages. We were never really close (even living together) until after my mother died, and I think I've always felt this way about him.
He's also an alcoholic in denial...I think I'm probably in denial about despising him for it. We talk about everything but the fact that I can't stand the sight of him sometimes. That, we simply can't discuss.

Answer 1

There are so many vietnam vets who is just like your father...they cannot talk about their experiences over there...it was terrible...Have you read any books on the vietnam war? A lot of vets become alcoholics as well because of what they experienced in that terrible war. I think I can understand exactly why you are angry, frustrated and everything you are talking about. Your father lost himself in the vietnam war...he is not the man he was before that war. I dont know if there is any help for him because I have met many vietnam vets who are near vegetative states. I have read books about the vietnam war, but I have never spoken to a soldier who was over there...no-one talk about their experiences. I think I would hate to be a family member of a vietnam vet because their whole reality...their whole life was changed. The Government at the time forced people to go to Vietnam to fight. Youngs guys who didnt want to go were made to go. You know when they came back from the war, they were spat upon, they were considered not human. Unlike WWI and WWII veterans who walked down the street proudly when they came back from the war...the vietnam vets were hated. I think this has everything to do with why your father is the way he is. I dont know if there are any answers for him...he needs professional help to get over whatever it was he experienced.

I think the only thing you can do is read up everything you can about the vietnam war and try to see things from his perspective. Or maybe you will just have to leave for your own sanity's sake. Living with an alcoholic at the best of times is near impossible...living with a vietnam vet who is an alcoholic is even harder. Dont be too hard on yourself....I certainly can understand why you would feel everything you are feeling.

Answer 2

You dont really state what it is about your father that makes you so angry. THis makes it hard to help you. If he really isnt doing anything other than being a father, then maybe you should talk to a doctor about counselling or anger management. Parents can be annoying at times, but it sounds like you have some stronger reason for getting so upset. Have you ever thought the effect this will be having on your father and if any other family members as living in a place full of tension is not pleasant for anyone. So do try and find what the cause of this anger is and to do that you need to ask the right people (Doctor or counsellor) for help.

Answer 3

Write him a letter, keep it hidden or on yourself for a while and then destroy it. You get stuff of your chest and hopefully you be able to at least be civil with him. Trust me, with a little effort on your part it will work. I don't know what your problems are with him but I had the same with my father when I was younger. I prayed that he wouldn't ever come home, get run over by a car etc. In the end I hurt myself more than him. He was content while I was stewing inside. It took me another 10 years to settle things between us and afterward I was unhappy that it took me that long. Rage, Hate etc, eats you up inside and is not good for your soul. Even if you can't talk to him now, one day when you're older you will get it off your chest. If you really cannot handle the anger you might need to go to counseling or a support group. If it gets bad maybe try to go away and do deep breathing exercises in your room, when you get frustated your muscles contract and you don't get enough oxygen into your lungs, so lying down and breathe deeply in, slowly count to 4, then hold your breath for the count of 4 and let it out for 4. It relaxes you and makes your head clearer. Also go for a walk and breathe the same way while you're walking. Just be careful on the fresh air the increased oxygen intake can make you dizzy. I hope this helps you, life is too short to waste it with anger. We are only visitors on this earth and its a damn short visit.
Good Luck.

Answer 4

Why are you so mad at him? If he did anything that hurt you (unintentionally) and you haven't told him exactly what it was, then you haven't given him the opportunity to resolve it and make it up to you. But if he has done something to you that you need some counseling over and possibly some real help about then this is something you need to either talk to a real social worker or another professional.
I really do hope you find some resolve. Until then, pray about your anger towards him til you find your resolve.
God bless.

Answer 5

He's all you've got left and the alcohol problem is letting you down...Maybe time to move out and get a couple of jobs to afford it...you do not be needing to 'deal' with his issues...Time to go honey before something really bad happens...that way you can love him more..

Answer 6

How old are you? There is a group for children of alcoholics that you could attend. You don't hate him, but his behavior. Tell him to go with you to an AA meeting or Ala-teen meeting for kids of Alcoholics. You might get hurt if he doesn't sober up, either physically or emotionally. Tell him you love him but that if he doesn't get help soon you are moving out.....(Make sure you have a relative to live with before you say that) Tell him you love him, and get out soon, before it's too late to salvage your relationship and he will either get help or throw you out of his life. If he does, don't despair...It's not your dad throwing you out, it's his disease.

Answer 7

Counseling. Something is going on here, and you need some professional help to get over it....and to figure out how to be around your father in a better way.

Answer 8

My advice would be to go a qualified hypnotherapist who can bring out the underlying issues and help you release them on a subconscious level. It's like your feelings are not matching up: you feel like you don't need to be angry with him at the present moment, but yet you are angry and you don't know what's causing this emotion. A hypnotherapist can unlock and help you release what's in your subconscious. Try it! It might take a few sessions, but it works well. It's like peeling back the layers on a subconscious level.

Answer 9

What you have is bottled up... you need to release it. Find a way to let this out ALONE, by screaming or whatever you prefer. It might require a lot of venting.

Answer 10

Some of those feelings of frustration come from unfulfilled desire to change your father or whatever traits that he has that are annoying you. Instead of trying to change him, try to figure out why is it bothering YOU so much. Then try to accept him for who he is, with all of his shortcomings, and move on. good luck.