Is there a constructive way to confront the racist attitudes of my in-laws?

Question

I've tried to be subtle. I've tried leaving the room, redirecting the conversation, forwarding emails, wearing buttons and t-shirts, and telling positive anecdotes. I don't think they are unaware of my beliefs. Is there anything else I can do besides open confrontation? If it goes badly, no one wins and they don't learn anything. With a small child who will be raised to respect all people, I'm going to have to do something.

My husband supports me. Somehow he is the only person in his family that is not racist.

You all have some great answers - it will be hard to pick the best one.

If I took the chicken way out, I'd just email them this page!

Answer 1

Sounds like you have done all the constructive things. It's time to tell them they can't see their grandchild until they stop acting like bigots.

Answer 2

My oldest daughter was adopted by my husband after her father was killed however he had another child before her that was biracial and more than anything I wanted her to grow up knowing all people were the same regardless of the color of their skin however my in-laws were two of the most racist people I had ever seen and would constantly regard other races ( blacks esp) as inferior to them and how all whites should own one or two. My daughter had found a black baby doll at the store one day that she had to have and she drug it with her ever where and one day it went with her to their house the first thing my father-in-law did was ask her what she was doing with that n***r baby and before I could say a word she looked at him and told him that it was one of God's babies too and walked off, she was 5. After she walked out of the room I stood up and looked him in the eye and told him it was pretty bad when a child had more intellegence than a grown man and that in belittling other people to her was only showing her how ignorant he could be. He still has his opinions but to this day he has never said it around her again and at 14 she is able to judge everyone by what is on the inside and not what they have or the color of their skin. If you are teaching your child to respect all then they will learn from you and will put the others in their place then you can tell them how dumb they are.

Answer 3

I grew up in a family that won't admit to being racist but they are. But I've learned I am my own person and my kids are my responsibility. So I choose to have my beliefs and raise my children by my standards. It's not a discussion I have often with my family but my business is my own.
I personally have never dated out of my race until I married a man that is part Native American, but I know true love is hard to find and it's what that's inside a person that counts. So stand by your convictions and teach your kids to do the same.

Answer 4

I would just respectfully inform them, "I know you think differently than we do when it comes to race; so I'm asking if you just won't make remarks about race while we're here with the baby."

If they're old enough to be grandparents in 2006 and still have the attitudes they have you aren't going to convert them or otherwise alter how they think.

You can be polite and don't criticize them. Just nicely tell them that, as they know, you think different and feel strongly that you want your child to have a childhood that is without hearing any racist stuff. They may make fun of you behind your back but they may also comply. If they don't reduce the time you spend with them if their remarks are that non-stop.

Answer 5

I've found that doing just what you are doing is a good start. Don't tolerate racist conversation. Leave the room. It won't take long for them to notice.

I have done the same with my parents and my in laws. It has worked. It may take time, but it will work. Live your life above reproach and other will notice. They may not change there ways, but they will know your beliefs.

Answer 6

your right!! You have every right to say something just like they are. I feel the same way i hate being around anyone who is racist. You have nothing to lose. Just sit them down and have a real heart to heart with them. Explain how you don't want your child growing up around that kind of negativity. There are too many different people in this world to judge them all. They should respect you and your beliefs.

Answer 7

Actually there isn't anything you can do. They have their beliefs and you have yours.
No matter what you say or do will change the fact that they are racist. They seem pretty set into their ways. If you can just avoid them or tell them not to talk certain ways around the child if the child is yours.

Answer 8

My wife and I adopted 4 ethnic children into historically white family lines. To their credit, both sets of parents came around. One took a week and the other a little over the year.
Write them a clear note explaining your concern for the child/ren as well as your personal beliefs. Be as polite as possible. If this doesn't work, write them off. If they make noise, then you will have them where they will listen. If they don't make noise, then you don't want them.

Answer 9

You ever hear that old adage about teaching old dogs new tricks? It's not that they don't hear you, it's that they choose not to listen. What does your "significant other" think of his/her relative's misguided point of view?

Does he/she share it?

You'll need a united front. Either you're a team, or you're not. Agree that you will not condone inappropriate behavior from your in-laws. If they continue, withhold visiting them for the sake of your child, and let them know that while you love them, you'll not raise your child in an environment that views their outdated ways of thinking as acceptable.

Answer 10

Your in-laws should have been past the racist attitudes by now. If they haven't then they probably never will be. Let them know how you feel. It is the only way that you can be true to yourself and your family.Talk to your spouse and let them know how you feel maybe they can talk to their parents.

Answer 11

request that they do not make racist comments around your kids or in your home. other than that, teach your children that racism is wrong by example ... telling them its wrong will not impress them as much as your actions and demeanor toward ethnicities different from your own ... my parents went through the same thing and we kids turned out ok .. all my grandparents were racist to some degree