Immigrant husband acting like a jerk. Say no to couples/family counseling. U have no $ to leave. What to do?

Question

You are primary care giver 4 your husband’s 4 kids whom you sponsored to come to the US . They speak some limited English but still speak mostly in their native language around you as does their father. One day the 10 yr old girl is singing quietly when the 14 yr old boy says something to her in a harsh, angry tone. She looks hurt and stops singing. You ask him what he said. He ignores your question. You ask again. Again no reply. Finally he says he can’t translate it into English. You say maybe your father can help us with that. Should I call him? Kid says no don’t call him but later again says he can’t even translate a hint of what he said into English. You call the father who tells you “If they don’t want to tell you then it’s not your business what they say! Maybe you need to go learn how to speak our language.” You say “Can U ask him to tell U hat he said in your language?” Husband: “No because I DON'T CARE what he said to her. Only you do." How would you handle this?

To the post from "Oscar" I didn't "get" anything for sponsoring him. Do you think I would be here asking for assistance with r this man's treatment of me if this were a business transaction. How much were you paid to be such a simpleton and was it worth it?

Anthony he has a job dumb azz...TWO JOBS. I met him here in the USA. I didn't literally sponsor him I sponsored his kids. If you know this little about Immigration law you don't need to be reading or writing here.

To people saying that I need to learn Arabic (and I've taken classes, gotten language CDs and it's just to difficult for me) why don't you come over here and help me learn this very difficult language? You act like learning a new language is as easy as baking a cake! Also, why is it if THEY are coming to my home country that I have to learn THEIR language? How did that happen? Finally he speaks arabic but NO he/they are NOT middle eastern.

Answer 1

well if they act like this on the small stuff now how do you think its going to be years from now? get out now while the gettings good leave him a dear jaun , abu , whatever letter and use lots of big big ENGLISH words !

Answer 2

Sorry to hear your husband has taken such an attitude when your doing your best to keep the family circle under control . What he said seems way out of line and quite heartless and disrepectful in my opinion . His doing nothing is a poor role model for the children also .
I would secretly plan an exit strategy just in case it comes to the degree one would be needed for you , do this even if things are worked out so you have some piece of mind in knowing you have a backup plan . It sounds like he's entirely frustrated with the situation himself and has given up . If he treats you like this on a regular basis there is little chance this can go on without some major blow up at some point . At least I get that impression , hope I'm wrong but you would know best .
Ask him straight up what his problem is ? would he like to return home to his country with the kids ? Given his attitude and frustration level that may be . It sounds like you have quite a good heart and I applaud your efforts because you have taken on a handfull to say the least . Try to let him know that poor communication can make a tough situation much more difficult than it need be . Ask him for his cooperation because without it your unable to provide the help you've already shown you wish to give , he needs to step up and cooperate with you . Remember though that I mentioned an exit strategy and work on that ,and also at times the road to ruin is sometimes paved with good intentions . I wish you the best of luck and hope you begin getting the cooperation and respect needed to assist you in this situation .

Answer 3

sounds like the marriage was a hoax for the immigrants to stay in US.

How well did you know the man before you married him. How well can you know him if his primary language is not English and they generally speak in that language.

If it turns out you were tricked into the marriage you could let the authorities know of the hoax.

What responsibilites do you have for sponsoring the kids? Are you financially obligated in some way?

Answer 4

You might need to go the counseling by yourself if he won't go. They might give you some strategies for dealing with blended families and step children.

It sounds like the 14 year old is acting like a typical teenager. You should not get in a power struggle with him. next time just tell him that you don't care what he said but as it was obviously rude to his sister he should apologize immediately.

From the tone of your question it sounds like you are considering leaving him. Perhaps you should consult an attorney about your rights and responsiblities towards the children that you sponsored.

Good luck.

Answer 5

I would rather live under a bridge than to be in your position. Those aren't your kids or your responsibility unless you want it to be. I really think he is using you and your situation will only get worse if you stay. He doesn't even make his kids respect you. Maybe you have no money now, but you could get a job and start saving some for later. At least keep an eye on the situation and think about it.

Answer 6

You say your husband is not from "the middle east" but as an arabic speaker he is likely to be from a muslim country in ...north africa? I only ask because there could be a MAJOR culture clash going on here. His cultural expectations of you could well be classified as abusive by american standards. You have to decide if you want to be an object of scorn for the rest of your married life. (And note how the teen boy treated his sister. What is that teaching her about her self worth?) this isn't going to change. You have to decide if living this way is what you want. If not...GET OUT NOW. There are women's shelters that won't cost you anything and they have the resources to help you. Good luck.

Answer 7

you punish the child, regardless of what he said he said something hateful, then you LEARN HIS LANGUAGE, i dont know why you didnt do that in the first place. I am married to an immigrant and I learned his language before i met him, otherwise you cant completely understand one another. It is hard, im sure, being a step mother to his children, but if they cannot respect you, then you must enforce it. I dont like your husband's stance on the whole situation. I also read your other question, about the little girl, that would frighten me. I suggest that if he is not willing to try consuling, that you move on. He will be the one that is at a loss, not you.

Answer 8

Well sounds to me like you got burned on the husband and on the sponsorship,my opinion it sounds like you should send him packing,period. No ifs, ands,or buts,and if there are some of the kids that seem like salvageable human beings you should get them out of his hands if possible,sounds like you should send the 14 yr old with him though,not much there if you ask me.Sorry for the trouble but you either do it now or later,because believe me it's coming.

Answer 9

~I'd either cry great big alligator tears and feel sorry for myself, as you have chosen, or I'd send the kids back or I'd have learned the language before taking on the responsibility of being primary care giver, if for no other reason than to be able to communicate with them in an emergency. So, how much did you get to sponsor him and was it worth it?

Answer 10

There is something very wrong with this picture. You keep stating in various questions you have an "immigrant" husband. If this is an indeed a marriage in traditional sense, you would never state it as it would made very little difference. By saying "immigrant" on every post, you, obviously want the world to know, this is somehow an important factor in this relationship.

What is going on? Did you let someone into the country by faking a marriage?

If this is a true marriage, the fact that he is an immigrant makes no difference. You can treat it like any second marriage with family situation. If he won't go counselling with you, then YOU GO ON YOUR OWN so that you can better handle your situation.