How do you help someone who decided to die, to let the cancer kill them?

Question

My mom in law has had cancer- thriving and in remission - for the past 10 years. This last round has left her ill,tired in body and spirit and giving up. Note, this is not a person who normally would give up, and it appears she's thought about it well. So now, how do we help her with this decision to die? My spouse is taking it quite well, saying it is fully her decision, but my bro in law definitely will not take it as well.

Any suggestions, ladies and gents, on how to make this easy for her? Be aware, there is no way to convince her to continue treatments that don't seem to be working. Nor would I try to force that on her.

Just so people get the point, the question is what can we do to help her, not that we haven't accepted it's her right to decide, mnot that there is a problem in the least. Just how to make the situation better for her.

She has in home hospice, but the rest of us all live far from her - she's coastal, we're midwest, bro in law is an island boy. We are all of somewhat limited means, but spending savings trading off weeks flying out to spend time with her. I We leave tomorrow morning, taking the grandkids out in a few weeks. Thanks for all the answers so far. Most of you are giving wonderful advice.

Answer 1

Sorry to hear of your families sorrow. Somehow people reach that time when they know it is time to let go. They have made peace with themselves & likely with God. Support her the best you can & let her know it is okay for her to go. One of the hardest things a mother has to do is hurt their children. Leaving them will hurt.but she will at last find peace & be free from pain. Love her & honour her wishes.

Answer 2

It doesn't sound like you are in the U.S. We have Hospice that works with terminally ill people, and they are great with cancer patients. There may be some sort of the same thing where you are. If I had been through what she has been through, I'd be tired of fighting too. The best you can do is support her decision and be there for her to make her last days as comfortable as possible. Your brother-in-law needs to accept the fact, too, and not make it any harder on her than it already is. Lots of luck and love.

Answer 3

Not a lot you can do, dont want this to sound in any way like I know your situation, but after having a bit of experience in looking after cancer patients, at all stages of their illness, I can honestly say, the patient will know whats going to happen before anyone else, even their docs, and when they finally decide to give up, they really are tired and no matter what, will give up, and just need the support of their family and friends rather than resistence. Patient always knows best.

Sorry to hear about your situation, just be there for her.

Answer 4

She has the cancer. You and your family don't. She needs to make the decision herself. Think of how it would be if you were in her shoes? I would accept her decision and try to make her as comfortable as possible. Different people take to things like this different. Maybe your bro in law isn't as strong as your husband. My dad has lung cancer and is terminal. He is taking chemo but is very tired and lost his hair. He is 1/2 the person he was. If he decided to do what your mom in law is doing, I would have to accept it. I wouldn't like it and wouldn't want him to die, but it's his body, he is going through this. It's easy to say these things when you are feeling healthy. She is the one suffering. I'm sure she would do anything to be with the family as long as she could but maybe she just can't take it anymore.

Answer 5

From the sounds of it, it seems like she is tired of fighting the disease and no wonder: cancer robs a person of their body, energy and will to live. My mom was diagnosed with lung cancer and died short of one year after the diagnosis. I watched her fight it with chemo, diet and Essiac. It was very taxing on her physical health. I understand why your mother-in-law wants to give up. However, she needs a reason to continue to fight the disease. Make plans that include her special talents and expertise; make her feel she is needed and that might spur her to fight once again. My heart goes out to you and your family for what you are going through.

Answer 6

as a physician I quite often ask terminal patients, if you get ill again do you want to be hospitalised? or what did your oncologist say, is he going to continue chemo for some more trials? This I do once I know that the oncologist is giving up on chemo. If she had another chemo recently that could suggest that the doctor is keeping up hopes, talk to the doctor, good luck

Answer 7

Hospice care is ideal for this situation. The patient gets all the care and support of professionals makes it easier on the family.

Answer 8

Talk to her! What does she want from the family. Listening to her, massages,walks in her yard or a favorite window to look out.
Just ask her what she would like to see happen around her. I lost 3 members my dad, father-in-law and mother-in-law. Each of them had things to do and wanted help completing the tasks.
Your brother-in-law is grieving. I volunteer with hospice and they can help you alot.

Answer 9

Just let it happen naturally, have her doctors treat symptoms to make her comfortable. Hospice is there for this purpose and they are wonderful. They will help your brother in law deal with it too.

Answer 10

I work with cancer patients and from experience they will go when they are ready and know everything will be ok. My mom died from cancer in 94 and she hang on til she knew it was ok. Talk to her she can hear you. Hearing is the last thing to go when someone is dying so try talking to her let her know your there and that is it ok for her to go. Have your brother in law talk to her maybe she is waiting to make sure he will be ok..It is hard to let go of your mom, let him know she can hear him. Make her comfortable as possible since this is her decision she knows what is best for her.