My husband and I have been together for 5 years and married for 2.
I am 24, he is 26.
We went to college, bought a house, have careers and have traveled all over.
We are homebodies, love to spend time together and visit our family.
Our relationship is very stable and we are ready to start a family.
When friends of mine find out about our plans to have a baby soon then say really discouraging things.
They will say they love their children, but it strained their relationship and the changes a child causes brings a lot of tension.
They say to cherish all the time I can spend with my husband without children.
These friends were not married before getting pregnant, and were together for only 1-2 years when they had their child.
Why does it seem like my friends think having children are bad?
Why do they discourage us from bringing a child into a happy and stable marriage?!
2006-09-29 11:03:57 · 28 answers · asked by Anonymous in Pregnancy & Parenting ➔ Parenting
A child can bring some people closer, and tear others apart. It seems like maybe it was the bad one for your friends. What I suggest, don't listen to them, for evey person there is who will tell you not to have a child, their will be another to tell you to have a child. Talk to your husband about issues with raising a child. You can avoid conflict if you address issues like religion, homosexuality, interracail relationships, music, basically everything. Look at our soceity today, see what it is that is going on, and talk with your partner about what you would do if a stituation were to arrise with your child. If you agree on most things, then having a child should not pose too many problems in your relationship. But, if you end up in a huge fight, maybe you should think twice about having a child with him.
2006-09-29 11:10:03 · answer #1 · answered by Serious Answers 3 · 3⤊ 1⤋
I'm in your friends' situation so I can tell you that it does strain the relationship IF there are different parenting views (and because most of the time we don't know the person we're with until after the two first years which probably affected their relationships).
Also, maybe your friends were more outgoing and social (i.e. club/party hoppers, drinkers, etc....). Maybe they feel like they've lost their freedom because once you have kids it's hard to go out. You have to find a babysitter, pay a babysitter, can't come home messed-up (or shouldn't anyways)....basically, you can't do whatever you want anymore.
Plus, kids take up a lot of time and money (especially during the early years). There are plenty of days when you'd have to ask for a day off work because of an appointment or take a day off work because a child gets sick at daycare (which they will send home). Daycare is a whole other issue within itself. Dropping them off/picking them up....$$$$$, 'nough said.
They could also be jealous because you guys have a lasting relationship while they are struggling with their's and having to put kids in the mix of the drama.
If your marriage is stable and you both tend to be family oriented and spend lots of time at home then kids would certainly add a little more spice to everyday life (not sexual life at all, lol). If you both really want children, go for it because there are a lot of people who are in your position and can't enjoy children of their own. I believe that it's best to have children after you have a career and a nice home to raise them in also and you qualify so I believe that you'll have given your children the best possible start! Good luck. Everyone should have a child in their life because they are special!
2006-09-29 11:40:07 · answer #2 · answered by Cam 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
They tell you these things because it is how they feel about the situations in which they had children. It sounds to me like you have a good foundation, and if you and your husband are ready- go for it. I would recommend taking child development classes just so you know the milestones and behaviours to expect, as well as babysitting some different aged children to see what you are up against. Children can be demanding, it does definitely change your relationship with your spouse, and it does cause tension (when you love something so much, how can you not worry?) When you do have children, make sure to make time for just you and your hubby to get away... you are a couple first, then parents, and you need to remember that to keep your relationship alive. The only people that need to worry about your decision with your partner to have a baby, are you two. Dismiss the negativity as bad experiences on your friends' parts, and do what you want.
2006-09-29 11:23:48 · answer #3 · answered by dolphin mama 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
wow your friends have managed to blame their children for their marraige woes. wow. interesting blame game. well im sure your friends are great dinner buddies, listeners, great to have at parties and probably care about you. however that doesnt mean they have the answers. and people who blame the children for the lack of together time they have with their spouses are way off!! big time! it takes COMMON sense to keep a marraige happy and growing with children. NOT more single time or a PHd!! my ex and i divorced because we were NOT a good couple. and from what you have said you two know each other well enough, have been together for five years. having children is a personal choice. it's not going to ruin a marraige and it's not going to save a marraige unless one of you doesn't want it. but if together you both want this then you're on the right path to a successful co parenting relationship. that's a whole different relationship than you as a couple. and you need to realize that. so you can't blame your relationship problems with your husband on your parenting skills. have a date nite, too keep the alone time going, get rest, take vitamins to keep your body and mind healthy so that childbearing and childrearing won't take a toll on your sex life, and continue to respect each other's pre children wishes about romance. dont ever forget romance. things will be different, a good different. GOOD LUCK!!
2006-09-29 11:18:01 · answer #4 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
They are saying those things because they are insecure in their relationships, like you said, they were only together 1-2 years before having their first child. You and your husband have a stable relationship, careers, and home, and you both know each other well enough. I say do what your heart says and start your family now that you are ready.
2006-09-29 11:10:06 · answer #5 · answered by Tawney 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Wow - that's really strange - I'm in the same boat as you!!
Same ages and times and everything!
I, too, have recieved some discouraging comments about wanting to start a family - so I stopped telling people. Even my family. I won't tell them until we do get pregnant, and we have gone through that scary first 3 months. People seem so bogus about a young, happy couple starting a family and I think they should butt out!
Every parenting book I've read says to have a baby when YOU feel you are ready!
People think having kids is wrong because they may be handling it themselves badly, or they were not ready for a kid.
2006-09-29 11:07:46 · answer #6 · answered by Starlight 5 · 2⤊ 0⤋
It's your life, not theirs. You should do what ever you and your husband think is best for your family, and marriage. Children will make you cry, laugh, throw-up (seriously!), bring you together, and push you a part. We all experience all of these things as parents to some degree. The key to surviving it all is to understand that it is all part of a process, a bigger picture, you know? Take the good with the bad, and don't dwell on the bad part. Life is a roller coaster with or without kids!
2006-09-29 11:33:52 · answer #7 · answered by Lesley C 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I bet they wouldn't be with out their kids, it is hard and does change relationships but you sound like you would be lovely parents. Some of your friends maybe jealous, of the life you have, because you seem too have it all. Don't listen too the negative views go with your heart you sound like you've done OK so far. When You fall pregnant and your bump starts to grow I'm sure they will all start to share your excitement, and you can show them how its done.
Parenting is hard as i said before but by far the most rewarding thing you could ever do.
2006-09-29 11:16:05 · answer #8 · answered by Diane E 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I see your friends as being genuine and just wanting to look out for you because they've seen what it's done to their own relationships... but no one can say for sure how it's going to affect you and your husband. No two couples are the same.
I say, if you both feel it's time to have a baby, then go for it. At least you're planning on having a baby rather than a baby being brought into your life unexpectedly - I think that makes a big difference.
2006-09-29 11:08:41 · answer #9 · answered by PrettyProblem 5 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Not all people will make good parents. Personally, I wish everyone would be sterilized before puberty and only allowed to be fertile if they prove their ability to be decent parents.
Kids are a monster of a strain on a marriage. I love my kids and I love my wife, but if anything will end a marriage it will be differences and difficulties in raising kids.
If you and your husband really should be parents, kids are a true reason to live. If not, they will ruin your relationship and you theirs.
Maybe your friends know more about you than I do. Still, it's not their decision to make. It's yours.
2006-09-29 11:26:54 · answer #10 · answered by OU812 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋