How much should the man have to help when both parents work??

Question

Ok- here is another side of the question - since you all seem to think I am not doing my share. I do ALL the cooking, ALL the cleaning, ALL of the getting up in the middle of the night and most of the shopping. I do the disciplining, changing the diapers, helping with the homework, running errands, and still find time to play with the kids too. I do work ten hours a day, he works 8 and I make as much money as him. And let me say that this is all VERY exhausting-especially now that I am pregnant. There are MANY good job opportunities with better pay and beneftis (which his job does not offer now) that he could go get. Right now the kids health insurance comes from me. We get by just fine now with me working but if I were to stay home we will not. I plan on starting an at home business but it takes a while to get it off the ground. We both wanted a big family - but only one of us seems to be doing the work. So really...am I asking so much of him to just do his share???

Answer 1

Same as the woman, equally!

Answer 2

Hi
If both partners work and hours are about the same including transportation and the intensity of the work (physical stress, mental stress, etc.) are about the same than both partners should divvy up the chores (including taking care of the kids) about the same.

That is not to say that each partner does half of each job, just that they are split up roughly equally in a way that both agree to.

That said, when one partner is ill, or otherwise unable to perform physically or mentally as well as normal then the other partner should make allowance for that and pick up more than half of the load.

In your case, being pregnant, you qualify as being limited physically compared to normal (womens rights aside, the baby takes nutrition and energy away from you) so your partner should, reasonably, be willing to pick up more of the work load.

Personally, I don't do well cooking and my wife won't let me do laundry (not picky enough for her) so I have historically done the outside chores, take care of the automobiles, and some cleaning. I also have done all remodelling and repairs (she stinks at that). She takes care of buying supplies & groceries, laundry and cooking and most of the bill paying. I get to do the taxes, however! I have always worked more hours outside the home then she has so she did the largest percentage of household chores. We did split the "getting up in the night" stuff (my turn your turn).In recent years, she has not been able to do any cleaning due to an injury and reaction to chemicals, so I do that. I also clean up in the kitchen about half the time.

I think the key is an equitable split not a mathmatical split. We have relied more on how each other felt about the work split rather than keeping a log book with hours, etc.

Frankly, I have always gotten the best end of the deal (but she says the same thing) so it is probably a good split for us.

If you have issues with how it is working in your home, you need to (gently) bring up how it makes you feel when he lets you do the majority of the work. Try to have a discussion (not an argument) and try to do it with as little emotion as you can. You do need to get a more even split of the chores, I think.

Kids are hard work. Kids need input from their dad. He needs to take a lot of time with them when he is home because they need it for their development (and he needs it just to stay young!).

One thing he should never delegate to you absolutely is the disciplining of the children. While you have to do some when he is not around, he must back you up and take it on when he is around. I don't know why, but kids seem to do better when the dad disciplines them and when he backs you up, he is showing respect for you - something they need to see.

Hope I have been of some help

Answer 3

no u r not asking to much , alot of men though were brought up that the lady takes care of the kids bills housework etc well the man sits on the couch watching tv and putting away the 6 packs , its a hard habbit to break , bring this u to your hubby dont metion u u make more money etc , just tell him hun i work these days adn u r home these day adn i would appreciate it if u would do this or that make a honey to do list , , another thing u can do is do a mommy strike , yes u help the kids with there homework etc , fix the kids there dinner but tell hubby sorry i was to tired to fix your meals , do your wash , pick up the dry cleaning etc , another thing u can do is go on a bed room strike , next time he wants a lil affection in the bedroom tell him im sorry hun but with the kids homework laundry house cleaning etc , i m to tired for this

Answer 4

no, i definitely do not think you are asking to much for him to do his share...i did all the things you are doing and my husband at that time never even onced changed a diaper...he did not work either....he was a very abusive husband and my sons learned all this...so they are having trouble in their marriages...i think the man should help...more than just work...he can do his fair share with all things...it is hard on a woman believe it or not to take care of the kids, keep the house clean, keep meals on the table and still have to satisfy him...but how you work at home part time is beyond me...but it only matters what the two of you can work out...you have to deal with your husband...i know you are doing more than your fair share....i do think i know some how you feel but i do not know what else to say or do...but yes i do agree with you...and good luck and take care......

Answer 5

yes and no .. How much SHOULD he do? obvious answer is 50% ... but, realistically, how much WILL he do is the question.

Now, get to the meat of this ... is it his lack of helping that is bothering you or your fatigue factor? ... since you both work and make good money, I would suggest a live-in maid/nanny to handle the mundane chores. I am sure there are some tasks he does that are more the handyman variety that you failed to mention, but I also agree that he isn;t pulling his weight here. Learn to either delegate tasks to him or hire a maid. Hand him the kid who needs changing, designate one or two nights a week when he has to cook (not take-out, REALLY COOK) Send HIM on the errand. ... tell him to choose - dustrag or vacuum ... get him involved ... be prepared to reciprocate when its time to wash the car, etc.

Answer 6

Everything in a marriage is 50/50. Now what that means totally depends on the relationship. You two need to decide what is fair, and that means you both negotiate and agree on the end.

Answer 7

How have you let it get like this? Do you talk to your husband or are you fighting all the time? A family is a unit that must work together.

Answer 8

If both parents are working, then both parents share all the work 50/50. It's only fair.

Answer 9

I think that the woman should take care of the home and children and the man takes care of providing towards the bills. "Her" money should go towards the kids and the running of the house (food, clothes, linens, toys). He should be able to do the mortgage, car notes, G&E, vacations,etc.) MAN SHOULD TAKE CARE OF THE NEEDS AND A WOMAN TAKES CAR OF HER (AND HER CHILD'S) WANTS!!!

Answer 10

Since you work longer than him, he should be the one doing atleast 60% of the work at home.

If you can get a better job then him, then you should work and he can stay home. He won't agree to that because his manliness will get lower.

I guess just get a loan or something and stay at home till you deliver the baby and then get the better job and share the work at home with your husband

Answer 11

I came from a large family and it was shared 80% mother 10% father and 10% ourselves when we were old enough to be able.