married into a family of manipulators.?????

Question

I married into a family, who is always down on their luck, have no ambitions, and no employment. My husband is gullable and gets suckered into their sobb stories, and how they are going without all the time. I can tell you since last December, we are out almost $3500 dollars, and because he has a steady job, we are always being called upon.
But these people in essence make no attempt to have contact with our family, unoless by phone in ask of money?
He knows it's going on, but never tells them NO.
I don't know what to do. Over the last two weeks, we have shelled out $328. Yes I keep count.
help?
I forgot to add....... they have never paid us back, or brought up payment.

I have 4 children, yes I want the money in my account. He feels the same way. How about this, my MIL called and asked for grocery $, in turn it was to give it to his sister so she could by a few smokes.
LOSERS!

Okay this is very simple minded s***
His sister almost 30, got her first place. Didn't like her hand me down furniture, he in turn okay'd the purchase of 2 new leather sofas for her, in turn she was to make payment, till paid off. We seen $30 back. Tell me? This is way of coarse!

Answer 1

Your husband needs to get a backbone and quit enabling them.

Answer 2

Welcome to my hell! My family seems to think that it's one-for-all... and I'm the one who should be supporting them all!

It's VERY unlikely the family will ever change... therefore, you need to focus on what you can change, and hopefully that will be your husband's attitude. However, that might be difficult. First, you will need to identify his motives for giving them money. It's probably not that he's gullible. Most likely, the reason he doesn't say "no" is because giving them money fulfills an emotional need for him! This may include:
1) a feeling of sympathy for the family, and a genuine desire to help
2) a feeling of loyalty to family, and that he would not be a good brother/son/cousin if he said no
3) a fear of losing his family if he refuses
4) a need/desire to be a hero to your family, which he can accomplish with money
5) a want to control your family, and money is his medium of power.

How you deal with each of these would be different.
1) sympathy: he needs to be convinced that giving them money is only a temporary fix and not really helpful ("give a man a fish..." and all that). Even the Bible teaches "God helps those who help themselves."
2) loyalty: usually, loyalty and respect go hand-in-hand and are mutual between parties. Clearly, the family has no respect for him (or you) since they keep coming to the ATM for more withdrawals. Those who are disloyal and disrespectful forfeit their right to loyal and respectful treatment.
3) fear: ask him, "what are you afraid of, they'll stop calling to ask for money??" Yea, like I'm afraid of saying "no" when a telemarketer calls that they might be offended and not call again...
4) hero: this one is harder, because he may really like being in this position. But, it comes down to this - do you want to be a hero to your deadbeat family, or to your loving wife?
5) control: again, something he may like, but he needs to realize, he's NOT the one in control of this situation, they are!!!

I wish you the best of luck!

p/s... don't be ashamed to ASK them about payment! Up until now, you've been acting like a bank, but make it clear that you're not a charity!!!

Answer 3

Just tell your husband that this situation is absolutely not acceptable and that he mustn't give them money anymore. Even if he doesn't want to say no, he is going to have to whether he likes it a lot.

You need to discuss this with him very seriously and do your best to convince him of the right thing. If you talk about it long enough, you may both eventually arrive at some sort of an agreement.

If the problem continues and is having a detrimental effect on your finances as well as your emotional wellness, you might need to tell your husband that you are going to have to leave him if things keep up.

Answer 4

You didn't mention how this affects you financially. Does it mean that you are struggling to pay your bills? Or just going without the extras that you could have? Do you have a savings to fall back on if things go wrong? These are important questions.

Obviously your husband feels responsible for his family and is going to continue to do what he is doing. You need to look for a way to protect yourself.

If you work and have your own income, you may want to look at separate finances. My boyfriend and I live together and we do this because he is a compulsive spender. We each pay half of the bills, and any money he has left over is his and what money I have left over is mine to save or spend on what I want. Depending on your income and your bills, it may not be fair to expect you to pay half. You would need to figure out what percentage works best for your situation.

If your husband is your sole source of income, it's a bit trickier. He may feel that he goes out and works for the money and can dispose of it however he likes. If that is the case, you need to work out a budget to make sure your bills get paid, a percentage goes into savings, and that you get your share of the money as well. He may be the one going out to work for it, but I'm sure you contribute your part at home and what you do is valuable. Once your budget is established and you each have your own share of the disposable income, if he wants to give his to his family, so be it.

Answer 5

Unless you have something in writing about the loans, you don't have anything to go by to get any money back. Loaning family is the trickiest. Basically, you can pretty much kiss that money good-bye.
It is time to sit down with your husband and address your concerns. You may not win this, because you are dealing with family. His family. Ask him if he feels ok with supporting all of them too. They are taking money that could be put in savings for both your futures. Family and lending money to them don't mix. You might have to put your foot down about how much he can give them. I don't know your relationship with your husband, but it isn't fair to you that he is doing this.

Answer 6

Welcome to my life! I have three step kids that are just as bad only calling their dad when they want something and him being the good guy always gave in even if we couldn't afford it. Gave his oldest and her husband a $4000 bedroom set and some expensive rugs out of our house and as soon as she got them she went home and decided her dad was a jerk and I was awful and her and her son's weren't coming back, she called a few weeks later wanting money. His parents it isn't money it is his time he is suppose to be at their beckon call. I solved the money when I took his checkbook, credit cards, debit card everything away from him and put him on an allowance, now when they call demanding dad send money they have to deal with me and if it isn't a must do thing forget it. From now on tell him you are dealing with the finances and anyone wanting to borrow anything has to go through you. I have found with my step daughter if she calls wanting money for the electric bill I tell her fine get me the bill and I will send it in and that usally stops it there because the money was for going out and not a bill in the first place. As for your husband he has got to tell them no and look at what is best for his family. Put it all on paper what your kids have had to wait on or go without because of his handing out to others and show it to him. Good luck.

Answer 7

That's what family is for

there will be those that have and those that have not.

if you don't take care of your family who will.

Mexicans do it, Chinese

Americans seem to be very selfish when it come s to money

ITS ONLY MONEY, IT GOES and it COMES BACK

then it GOES then it COMES BACK.

I think you may have a problem because YOU want the money for something.

Family helps family

That's a true human being...anything else is selfish

Marriage is a trip you get married and now your wife dictates what you do for your family?


Do you make any money for the household?

or are you a home makers? Because if you made money you would not be tripping

Answer 8

i think when you and your husband decided to get married you became a family your own family and his family should now relize that. you need to let him know this is bothering you after all you are his wife and half of that money belongs to you so express your concerns immediately let him know your feelings i think helping someone else with money troubles once in awhile is fine but if they dont have the means to pay it back its not borrowing its taking speak up as soon as possible or you might be the ones going to other sources to borrow money sound like there trying to suck you both dry

Answer 9

My sister in law was in such a situation for 14 years. It will never change.

If your husband cannot say no to his family, then you will be doing this for the rest of your lives. I hate to say it, because it sounds so harsh, but your husband needs to decide between his family and you (who, I might add, was supposed to become his most important familial relationship the second he said "I do").

Answer 10

you and your husband need to fine job out of state and leave no forwarding address and see how they get a long talk to your husband in a nice clam voice.... put your money aside if you can for a down payment on a house or apartment but remember no forwarding address