At what age should I tell my son that he was adopted by my husband?

Question

The biological father of my son was abusive, both physically and verbally. When my son was 7 months old, I left his father and have since met and married a wonderful man that raises him as his own. The bio father abandoned our son, not attempting to pay child support or to see him. We were not married at the time of birth and the father never legitimated him through the courts. My son is now 4 yrs old and Joe, my husband, is the only "daddy" he has ever known. My husband has since adopted him, we've changed his name, and Zachary, my son, knows nothing of the events we have been through. When should I, how should I, or even should I tell him about all of this? I feel he should know, but I don't want to do it at such a young age that it confuses him and I don't want to wait until he is so old that he asks me why we didn't tell him sooner.

Answer 1

From personal experiences, the sooner a child is told of an adoption, the better. If you are talking with him about it from the start, explaining but not giving details that would overwhelm him, he will be adjusted to it as he matures, at which time, he will have questions for you to answer. Just be truthful and not put much emphasis on the details too soon. ALWAYS, most importantly let him know he is loved and the adoption was done purely out of the love you and his "daddy" have for him. Let him know it was that love that lead to his adoption.

I was told about mine from the very start... my ex's son wasn't told until his 16th birthday (what a mess!!). I think just talking with your son all along his growing years will work out best for him as well as you and his daddy.

Good luck and God bless...

Answer 2

I would tell him now and keep on telling him. I was adopted at 3 years and only told when I was 13, even though I knew I was different. My mom told me and I was mad at both of them for a long time. I would tell him that his daddy didn't help make him but is his child of the heart. That's how we explained it to my son. We told him right from the begining. Children are a lot more accepting that we think. There are also TONS of children's books out there that can help explain it to him for his age. But really, don't wait. It'll come up sometime in his life and at least this way he'll be prepared. Anyone can be a father, but only someone special can be a daddy. Good luck.

Answer 3

start telling him at a young age this way he can grow with this information and accept it and it wont be a shock like u did something wrong. many parents wait til they think the kid is mature enough to know and around that age they are going through so much more and this is one more thing they have to accept and take in it leaves them angry and confused and sont know which way to turn. at a young age the still dont realize what exactly is wrong and right tell him so he can understand as he grows it isnt wrong and when he learns what adoption truly means and why people do it he should be more thankful instead of being ful of hatred on so many levels. if you wait he will feel lied to,decieved by both of you, depressed,confused as to how to look at his his real dad and adopted dad--do you want that.

Answer 4

Now. Nothing better then telling a child they were chosen to be in a family. Don't wait. My sons father found out he was adopted when he was 30 and it devastated him. He always had a lot of problems and this put him over the edge. He killed himself 6 months later. I do not blame that on his adoptive parents not telling him, but it can't be discluded as part of the problem.

Answer 5

My father was adopted by his stepfather...same situation...

My father has gone his entire life wondering WHY his real father left and his wonderful adoptive father was so loving. He actually investigated birth records at age 50 to make sure that maybe his bio dad left them because his mom had conceived with another man.

(You would think he would just be happy about it and not worry, but he did worry.) My father had a great adoptive father....fantastic....but it really bothered my dad that his real father ran away.

That is a difficult situation. I would recommend telling him when he is at least 18. You could tell him when he starts asking about how you and Daddy "made" him, but I think that would confuse him about where his dad is.

If you tell him at age 16, it will undoubtedly effect his concentration in school.

Good luck to you.

Answer 6

I honestly feel that a child has a right to know the truth about his real father but wait to tell your child until he is at least 13 years old and at that age your child will understand things alot better and you can explain to your child the reasoning behind the adoption but the one key if your child ever wants to meet the father do not ever tell your child no tell your child they can see the bilogical father when the time is right

Answer 7

This is such a personal choice and I think depends on how emotionally developed your son is. I actually have the exact situation you do. My daughter is four and hasn't seen her bio father since she was a 1 year old. I am married to her "dad" now and we are going to start the adoption next year. It is a hard decision but we won't tell her right away only because she wont understand yet, she is very smart for her age and I just think that it would confuse her and that is not fair. I think we are looking at telling her when she is about 9 or 10.

Answer 8

My oldest two are being adopted by my husband under the same circumstances as what you are experiencing. I was adopted undet those circumstances as well, I was told when I was a teen, only because I was adopted at 5 and had a vauge memory of the court appearance. I asked and they told. I will not tell my children until they are mentally mature enough to handle it. I can tell you from experience, I would have rather not known and been a bit more mature. It devestated me and made me wonder what was wrong with me that my own father would try to kill me and then abandon me. Please just be very careful, that one thing can change the childs outlook on himself as well as the world. Good Luck, my prayers are with you

Answer 9

asap ... if u make it known then it wont be hard to deal with. as soon as he is old enough to understand.. show him pictures of his biological father if possible. have that info out and available for ur son... he can still call ur husband dad of course and that will be his daddy but he needs to always know that he did have a father that is no longer that. it is hard cuz as parents we wish we could erase these things. But they can not be erased and therefore must be shared. children need honest parents if u expect them to be honest people.

Answer 10

Tell the child early in life so that it is something that is always known - with no big traumatic revelation. Search out a child's book about adopted children to make them feel more secure that they are not alone.