The wedding is less then two months away. We've sent out the invites and everything is set. But my fiance's brother, Brian, is back in town. Brian is bi-polar, mildly pyschotic, and a violent alcoholic. Neither of us want him at the wedding but he knows many of the people my fiance know and they are all invited to the wedding. It won't be hard for him to figure out where and when it is. Particularly since we sent my fiance's mom an invite and he goes over there often.My problem is that Brian doesn't like my fiance and he is very loud, rude, and vulgar when drunk (and he's always drunk) He likes me even less. If he shows up at the wedding and starts throwing a fit (we highly suspect he will) is it ok to ask a few of the guys to deny him entrance to the church and if necessary escort him away as quietly as possible?
Another fly in the ointment, my fiance's mom wants him to come. She has asked if she can bring him as long as he is sober. My fiance flat out said no.
2006-09-29 04:58:20 · 30 answers · asked by skrablesgirl 1 in Family & Relationships ➔ Weddings
He isn't welcome. (Brian has had a history of abuse toward his mom so we can't figure out why she would want him there but still) We are confident she won't bring him, but by having him escorted away she will be incredibly angry with us. And this isn't just a perfect wedding thing. My fiance's mom understands us not wanting Brian there but to have to hauled off would be the straw the broke the camel's back. This would have lasting consequences.
Should I talk to my fiance and consider letting him come so long as he has taken his meds and is sober or should we continue the plan of having him carted off if he shows up and risk having lasting consequences from my fiance's mom?
2006-09-29 05:01:01 · update #1
just mention one word to him : Teo.
all 'boys' fear The Teo.
2006-09-29 05:01:17 · answer #1 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 4⤋
This is your day . Not your mother-in -law to be . It is to bad that Brian is not socially accepted . This being a family thing with he being your fiance's brother even makes it worse . Try to tell your mother-in law that you don't want any trouble at the wedding . That she knows that Brian will more then likely start some . Being a wedding there is almost all the time a riff between someone . You don't need a preplanned , know it is going to happened one there . See if some one will take Brian out to dinner that night to keep him occupied for the evening . Just to keep him away from your day . I wish you the best of luck in your marrage . Please try to have a good time at your wedding no matter who comes .
2006-09-29 05:17:38 · answer #2 · answered by Angel 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
sounds like it's already ruining your wedding...worrying so much...is he ok when he's on his meds? if so ok let him come if not well you can still let him come tell your mominlaw that if he gets out of hand that there are some friends that will take care of it...tell her that if ANYbody so it's not just Brian...but if your soon to be husband REALLY doesn't want him to be there HE needs to talk to HIS MOM about it you can't do anything about sibling and mother son stuff...if it was the other way around...your brother same situation wouldn't You talk to Your Mom...so just try to be understanding and have your fiance make the final call...if not it can cause problems down the road because sometimes unfortunately Family IS forever...Good Luck and remember there is almost always some sort of commotion at a wedding....
2006-09-29 05:53:49 · answer #3 · answered by bunny 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
DO NOT feel like you have to invite him!! If Brian doesn't like your fiance or you either then he shouldn't even want to come to this wedding, but I understand your concern that he might show up anyway, if for no other reason than to say "Ha ha, you didn't invite me and I'm here anyway". I know you don't want to upset his mother but the fact of the matter is, it's not her wedding. This day belongs to the two of you. You will remember it your whole life long. Don't let anyone ruin it for you.
Perhaps you could prevent having to "remove" him by placing two of your fiance's larger male friends at the front door to make sure he never gets in at all, if he should happen to show up. They could stay there the entire time just to be sure. I doubt it would break their hearts not to witness the actual ceremony....most guys I know wouldn't mind missing a wedding, especially to do security duty!!!
2006-09-29 05:16:38 · answer #4 · answered by Tallulah 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I haven't read all the other answers yet, so I may be repeating.
Bi-polar can be controlled with proper medication but is sounds like this guy isn't for that. So he's made his choice. Now you have to make one, too.
If him not being there is going to cause more problems than not, then let him come. But get some of your guy frineds together, and make them responsible for this guys behavior, make them 'bouncers'. If ANY trouble starts, they can head it off or usher this guest to the outside. You can even call the police to let them know where your wedding is, what your concerns are and that they may be called. If they aren't too busy, an officer may drop by just to see how things are going. If he does, offer him some cake or something to eat. :) That way you won't have to be worried.
It's a horrible thing to have to have 'wedding bouncers' but you aren't the first one that has had to face a guest like this or do this. Inform future Mom-in-law (but not Brian) of what you are doing.
2006-09-29 05:23:07 · answer #5 · answered by weddrev 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Letting him come, even if sober, is risky. I assume there will be alcohol at the reception, so who knows how long the sobriety will last.
You do not want a violent person who hates you to be at your wedding, no matter how they are related. It's very, very good that your fiance is with you on this.
Yes, have sentries to escort him away if needed. Make sure they understand his violent tendencies. You might want to have someone have the police on speed dial if he's that bad.
If the mom gets pissed, then she gets pissed. Deal with that later. You cannot avoid making your mother in law angry for the rest of your life, so you might as well deal with it now when it's an issue that really matters to you.
2006-09-29 06:44:04 · answer #6 · answered by Pink Denial 6 · 2⤊ 0⤋
This is your fiances brother right? And he said he flat out didn't want him there, right? If he is as abusive and crazy as you say I wouldn't want him there either! Bottom line is if he doesn't want his own brother at his wedding, then don't allow anyone to make you guys feel guilty for not wanting him there! I have a lot of experience with these types of people, (the brother of your fiance) even if he says he won't drink, he probably will. If he shows up have him escorted off the property. If it upsets your future mother in law, explain you couldn't risk that sort of scene in front of your grandparents, and elderly relatives. If she doesn't accept your decision, oh well! Its your wedding not hers, and ultimately it isn't up to her who is invited and who isn't :)
Good Luck and Congratulations!
P.S. I had a similar problem with my father showing up at my wedding. He wasn't invited and the rest of the family was. I was concerned he would show up as well, he has similar behavior as what you are describing. I quietly gave the groomsmen the heads up and the pastor, that if he showed up to quietly escort him out and off the property. I also told them if necessary call the police and have him removed. It all went smooth, he never even attempted to show up.:)
2006-09-29 08:52:37 · answer #7 · answered by **hope/faith**1744 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
You can talk to him and say: you can come to the wedding If and only if you are sober, abstain from drinking at the wedding, taken his meds, and behave. Tell him that you will ask Unclet Pat and cousin Tito to sit by him at all times. Tell him that if he agrees with the terms of thje conditions he is welcome to come and share your happiness. Tell him that you both wish to include him and that's why you are making sure that he is accomodated accordingly.
Tell him too (same idea as Eric) that you have an option for him. tell him that he and Joe can go to X event or restaurant on you. Tell him that he can celebrate from afar if that is his choice and you will be more thanhapy to make sure that he celebrates in other ways that better suits him. Tell him that cousin Tito will drive him there and that all his expenses have been paid for him and a companion.
Set the greeters at the church if option B has been chosen.
Congratulations and good luck
2006-09-29 05:53:20 · answer #8 · answered by Blunt 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋
You dont have to invite anyone that you dont want there. Your word is final. If someone really has a problem with it, then they can take it up with you later. Have a guest list at the door with someone checking in your guests. If he shows up unexpectedly, he wont be able to get in and cause a scene.
You can hope and pray that he doesn't drink and has been actively taking his meds the correct way, but since you wont be there to police him, there isn't really much you can do without jeopardizing your wedding day.
He may be able to come, but I would bet, by your description is that he isn't going to be well enough mentally to come. If anyone says anything, just let them know that you are trying to avoid and potential disasters and by eliminating him, you are trying to keep it that way. No one can fault you for wanting a peaceful wedding/reception. Maybe if he catches wind of it, he may try and change- but I say if your hubby says no and so do you- i would leave it at that!
2006-09-29 07:28:21 · answer #9 · answered by glorymomof3 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋
We had a similar issue. My cousin hated my then fiance and swore he wasn't gonna let it happen. We had a couple guys there to stop him from getting in the church. They stood at the only door to the church we left unlocked and greeted everyone, directing them to the sanctuary down the hall. Everyone thought they were just greeters. No one suspected why they were really there. The "greeters" stayed there the entire wedding. Apparently he did show up and the "greeters" took care of it. I never noticed and neither did my husband.
I say its your wedding and since you and your fiance are in agreement, don't invite him. Explain to the mom-in-law your feelings and your plan. Hopefully she'll be ok with it.
2006-09-29 05:34:05 · answer #10 · answered by bubb1e_gir1 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
We had a similar situation at a wedding recently. When it was realized that the offending person was going to attend no matter what, we divided up the room into quarters. Then we assigned at least one large male to each quarter. When the offending person was in each quarter, the man assigned to that quarter was to keep an eye on him and run interception with the person. When and if he got out of hand, the person assigned to that part of the room signaled the other men assigned to the task of keeping an eye on him and they quietly removed him and drove him home.
It worked out very well and most of the people who attended didn't even know there was a problem. I know it sounds like a tough task but it worked and it set the groom and brides mind at ease and they didn't have to worry about it.
2006-09-29 05:11:42 · answer #11 · answered by nana4dakids 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋