Sex after childbirth? hahaha...what a joke!?

Question

Hi all!
my wife and i have a 20mo old daughter...well, when my wife first got pregnant (APR04) she began to lose her sex drive. it was like, she didnt even know what sex was. well, after we had our baby, her drive got even worse. i mean, it was like having her only as a friend--except we kissed. im in despair now :-(.....and for the past 2.5yrs its been like this. she doesnt even touch/grope me anymore. no oral, no nothing! (although we've HAVE done it maybe 15-20 time ever since she got pregnant) all she wants to do it cuddle, and im tired of it...y is she being so selfish and inconsiderate? and i hope that there is someone out there that will take my side on this, and not "understand" her...the time for understanding over...she has been like this for almost 2.5yrs now. theres more to type, but i dont want for my tone to anger anyone...but please, please, can someone give me any advice? thank you!

*Note*...These are all answers to questions from previous readers...we have talked about (she says she doesnt know why) i have given her flowers, massages, etc...she doesnt even like for me to grope her. when we do have sex, im the one that ALWAYS starts it, and i do ALL of the work 97% of the time. i have to beg her to do anything for me. she works mon-fri/8:30-5:30 as an advertising rep (phone) and thats it...me, on the other hand, im getting a degree AND i work full time, and i still get "in the mood." oh yeah, our daughter is in daycare. i just dont know anymore :-\ im not one for cheating, but it is so tempting. i know i wont do it, so my eyes stayed glazed w/ porn, which she gets mad about...i say, "well if we would have sex, i wouldnt have to look at porn." she says "well if you wouldnt look at porn, maybe we would have sex." ummmm, how can she turn that on me, basically saying that porn is the original problem...when its not?

Answer 1

We've had the same issues too (not quite as bad though) What helps for us is that some nights my husband gets the kids to bed, cleans up after dinner etc so that I can have some time to decompress. It gets very irritating having a 2 yr old pull on you all day and then as soon as they're in bed for your husband to do the same thing. It makes sex just one more thing on the to do list. So my advise would be for you to help out a little more (not saying you don't help at all!) and give her some alone time. Maybe you could make a bubble bath for her to relax (while you get the baby to sleep) and then give her a massage. If that doesn't help you might need to get her to a dr and see if there's a hormone issue. Your body goes through crazy stuff during and after a pregnancy so that could be a big issue. One other thing, if she's on birth control (tho it sounds like she doesn't need to be!) you should get her to see about changing it. Birth control can totally destroy your sex drive. I had to change mine 6 or 7 times to get just the right thing (but stay away from the patch because that zaps the sex drive while making you crazy mean at the same time!)
Good luck!

Answer 2

Hmmm.. there could be a lot of things in play here that need to be looked at.

1. I am assuming that she is no longer breast feeding. Though if she is, certain hormonal levels in her body may be affecting her libido.

2. It is also possible that she is still suffering from postpartum depression and if so she should see her doctor.

3. She may feel self conscience about her appearance from the tummy down. Pregnancy and childbirth puts a womans body through a huge amount of change. She may now have strech marks or incisions from a c-section, not to mention that she may have also had an episiotomy.

4. Use of contraceptives. If you or her are uncomfortable in there use then the issue of her getting pregnant again comes into play. This alone can cause a many a woman to shut down for fear of becoming pregnant again.

3. You pressure for sex is causing her to "run the other way." If she thinks that sex is all you need out of her she will definitely give you the cold shoulder when you try to seek it.

The preceding knowledge has come to me the hard way, as most things in life do. That being said, in all honesty I think that you really need to sit down with her and calmly ask why has there been no intimacy between the two of you. Don't be demanding or condescending in your questioning just be gentle and firm. Tell her how you feel about the topic and more importantly ask her how she feels about it. You may be surprised at what you learn. You may also realize that good communication will be the answer to many other marital problems that could occur.

Answer 3

Okay I'm gonna be honest with you i have 2 boys and have been with my husband since i was 15yrs and now I'm 28... As you have children you get tired ran down and feel less attractive then you did before the kids... I like to cuddle too but i know that's not all my husbands wants to do... there for you have to make it more exciting especially after kids and years of being together. Go and buy her a new teddy or something sexy that should get the mood going.. There is also movies toys and other things that can spark a moment.... Try any of these and see if it works if not try and get her to try some of the medications that are out the for women with low sex drives I've only heard great things and results about them!!!!!! Go luck and i hope the sex picks up for you!!!!! :)



Okay i just read your additional comments.. Whats up with her blaming no sex on you looking at porn? Its only natural after being denied sexually pleasure from your own wife.. I'm also glad to hear that you would not cheat that good so to narrow this down maybe there is a chemical imbalance and meds might just be the best solution to the problem... A chemical problem also leads to a less of a sexual drive... Good luck once again....

Answer 4

I'm sorry for your woes. I don't know how your sex life was before you had children. I think you should speak to a counselor. You don't want sex, or lack thereof to ruin your marriage!

Ever marriage is different. My husband and I used to have sex 2 or more times a day before getting pregnant. We were in a lot better shape also. During my pregnancy, sex slowed down a bit but we were still active. After the baby was born, it was hell not having sex for 6 weeks. I didn't think I could get through it! But nowadays, with a 6 yr old and an 18 month old baby, it's hard to get sex in. Also, I go to work at 5am. So some days, I just have to say no. But we average about 3 times per week now. Some days include more foreplay than others. Now that we are out of shape, sex doesn't last as long.

Everyone has their ups and downs, but if you don't do anything about your problems, no one is going to fix it for you. Take charge of your life. Don't let yourself be a victim.

Answer 5

As a women that has had 3 kids, I can understand where you are coming from and why you might be upset. On the other hand, I have never experienced this myself. My youngest 2 boys are only 20 months apart, because we couldnt keep our hands off each other. I see that you have tried to talk to her and she isnt responding with a good answer. Maybe you seriously need to sit down and try again, maybe suggest that she see a doctor. If you notice that she is being strange in other aspects of life, maybe she has a sort of post partum depression, and the problem isnt you, its the depression. They say when someone has it, the tend to pull away from other people that they are normally involved or intimate with. Just dont give up on her, and try to be supportive as possible (I understand it cant be easy for you!) I think, you are a good husband, because you are still there and trying. I hope things work out, Im rooting for you.

Answer 6

Being pregnant does alot to a women's hormones it's pretty normal not to want to have sex alot. During labor with all the pain a women tells herself never again! After birth and about a month later women's sex drive tends to come back in full force. 2.5 yrs later is a long time. You should have a heart to heart with her and let her know whats it's doing to you. Try to understand where she's coming from as well. If she truly loves you she'll understand and try an change. Remind her how beautiful she still is to you sometimes after having a child a women doesn't feel like the same person, she may feel unattractive. Don't give up you'll work it out.

Answer 7

It is possible there are factors causing your wife to not have a sex drive right now. I think my daughter was over a year before mine came back, and it wasn't like it was before my pregnancy. My doctor told me that breastfeeding can slow a woman's sex drive, somewhere in our DNA it is programmed to keep us from getting pregnant again too soon. If she had the baby vaginally, it might be that she fears pain from any tearing or an episiotomy (I had that problem.) Your wife might also be experiencing some sort of depression, she's past postpartum depression, but she might still be having problems. I don't honestly know what is causing your wife's problem, and I don't want to be too "understanding" of her feelings, because that isn't what you are looking for here. I know that after I had my daughter I wanted to be left alone because it was like there was always someone touching me, but that wore off after the first 3 months or so. I'd recommend you sit your wife down and tell her that you can't go on like this. Ask her if there is something in particular turning her off from sex, and if so, try to fix it. If she can't pinpoint the cause, you might tell her you'll go to the doctor with her, to see if she needs treatment of some kind. I'm sure she loves you and doesn't want to ruin your marriage over her lack of desire. If you are honest and understanding of her feelings, she might let you help her. Try not to be angry or defensive with her, this could be eating her up inside too.

Answer 8

Seriously - go to a sex therapist. No sex leads to frustration which leads to feeling pressured into it, this in itself leads to more frustration at feeling pressured - it's all a nasty cycle. You can't break the cycle with chocs or flowers - its probably a deep rooted problem tied to childbirth. Pregnancy and birth puts enormous physical and psychological pressure onto a woman, and this often manifests as a low libido - it is a real issue suffered by many women and all too often suffered in silence - with women feeling bad at feeling pressured into sex, and men frustrated that their woman isn't interested - this will slowly destroy even the best of relationships -if you had a good sex life before - you can get a good one back - it'll take time, patience, understanding, probably tantrums and tears - but I'm sure you'll both get there.

Answer 9

If feel for you, i had the same prob only opposite sexes. He was afraid to get me pregnant again. But anyway, honestly, what it sounds like is your wife is having a hormonal problem, which can easily be solved by your wifes birth control method. If she's not on one, she needs to be, if shes on one, maybe it needs to be a higher or lower dosage. Birth control pills/patches are made of hormones, hormones are what controls a womans (pretty much everything) sex drive, and what-not. After a woman has a baby, her hormones change so much, all you have to do is find the right dosage of it. If its a little to high or even a little to low, she could be tired, overly emotional, totally over-stressed, and all that is caused by hormones. So talk to her about this so she can go into the docter and talk to him about this and hopefully get things fixed.

Answer 10

My husband and I went through that. We have a 2 1/2 year old and a 4 month old. She's probably just tired or has a lot on her mind. I very rarely initiate it with my husband nor do I get very "freaky" in the bedroom, and he hates that. Just talk to her and ask her what could be wrong. Try getting a hotel room for the night. Be romantic, help her around the house, compliment her, but definitley discuss your feelings with her. That has helped us. We have been together 11 years and we are very much in love with a pretty good sex life now. Good luck.