How can I learn to control my anger?

Question

People other than my family always think I am a calm gentle person, even though it astonishes me when friends and collegues say this because inside me I feel stressed alot of the time. At home I have greatproblems to control my anger and it has bad effects on my family and relationships. Any suggestions on how I can learn to not be such a hot head?

Answer 1

You can do four things
when angerwells in you do 1) Anulome vilome praanaayam
(since you are an Indian you can learn it from Ramdeo baba)
2) wear a sphatik maala
3) wear one 5 carat pearl in the ring finger of the right hand
4) keep chanting " manyur akaarsheeth"

Answer 2

You don't say how old you are, so difficult to say whether hormones are playing any kind of part, sometimes if we get stressed or too tired not eating properly, poor self-esteem, difficulty expressing what we really want to say. There are all kinds of things that can make us short-tempered. Consider dietary factors, low sugars from not eating for long periods, or high sugars from too many high energy drinks/snacks can affect mood and may act as a trigger. It's certainly worth looking at how often and what kind of things/situations trigger your anger. You could ask yourself, just after you've calmed down, how did that particulary episode start and what was it exactly that made you SO angry you "lost it." Patterns may then emerge and from those you may be able to find your own solutions. The fact you recognise your anger as being horrible shows good awareness, so I don't think it's impossible to control your anger, and perhaps if you tell yourself that too, you'll start to believe it. Some people though do use this recognition of a problem as a bit of security blanket, and excuse but if you're a fully functioning adult then it's not a very good excuse. To me though, I think you are actively seeking solutions so you're already taking some control over things. Relaxation and simple exercise, getting good nutrition and a good sleeping routine will all help to destress you. Making sure you get some time to yourself to do what you want, even if it's only an hour, is important. Address whatever negatives you're feeling in life, and look for the positives but accept you can't do it all and certainly there are no quick fixes. Finally, find a way of letting loose now and then, don't rely on counting to ten, if you need to let off steam do it, but perhaps in a different way. Take a deep breath and then walk away and vent the anger at a harmless target or save some of that aggression and use it to keep fit get a boxing bag, box the heck out of it at home. Take up a sport where hitting things is not only OK but if you do it well they'll give you prizes! Good luck.

Answer 3

You could be my own 17-y-o granddaughter!! In the family she makes everyone's life a misery, and, I'm sure, her own. You've set me thinking how I might help her and you at the same time. You could try counting up to ten before exploding! - that may dissipate your anger. There is some Christian teaching about anger, like verse 26 of Paul's letter to the Ephesians, but do read all of that New Testament that you received from the Gideons when you were in Year 7 (the "Where to find help" pages will lead you to some other passages). Another practical suggestion is to practise smiling all the time! - it's difficult to be angry and smiling at the same time. That smile will bring enormous happiness to your family and, in time, to yourself.

Answer 4

First of all a certain amount of anger is not only necessary but useful we feel this way for a reason after all, its only if your anger is out of control and hurting relationships that you need to worry. If you are a relatively young person you will find your anger subsiding as you get older (hormonal changes can affect temper and emotion). Just relax and try to think for ten seconds before you explode is this outburst necessary or not. Don't forget repressed anger can be just as damaging as the odd outburst of temper.

Answer 5

I think the clues to your problem and therefore the solution are there in your question.
Your friends and work colleagues think you are calm, although you are stressed. Then at home you get angry.

It sounds as if you are bottling up all your stress outside the home, and releasing at home, in private, where you feel safe to do so. But this is having a bad effect on your family.

You need to find other ways to release your stress and anger in the short-term. Try making use of your lunch break or the journey to/from work to get some exercise and release tension. Or use that time to have some escape by reading or listening to music. Often people (traditionally men) coming home from work try and have a bit of space where they could unwind before family time - whether by going to the pub, to the shed or walking the dog, or having a shower as soon as they get home. I sometimes do some food shopping on the way home and use that time to think through my problems so I am less wound up when I get home. It's a good way to ensure that your family don't always get the full effects of your stress.

In the longer term, you need to try and identify what is causing you most stress. Write down the top 10 things that worry you most whether from work or home - a typical list might include: that new invoicing system at work; Dad's health; holiday plans; my sore foot; daughter's teeth; needing to cut the hedge; credit card bill; bullying at son's school; hate my boss; junk mail. You can then begin to deal with them.

Don't be afraid to talk to your family about why you have been getting angry. Try saying something like "I'm really sorry I've been getting angry with you recently. It's not your fault - I'm stressed about work - and I am sorry I upset you. I'm getting it sorted out and I'm grateful for your patience - you don't know how much you all mean to me. I would like us to do something together this weekend - so I thought we could go and see that new film on Saturday and go out for pizza afterwards. Although my bad temper is not your fault - and I'm sorry - it would also really help me if you could help out with mowing the lawn/walking the dog/tidying your room."

You are only human; sometimes it's trying to be super-human that brings us down!

Good luck!

Answer 6

Psychologists of modern age recommend a balanced approach to anger, which both controls the emotion and allows the emotion to express itself in a healthy way. Examples of which are:

Direct, such as not beating around the bush, making behaviour visible and conspicuous, using body language to indicate feelings clearly and honestly, anger directly at persons concerned.

Honourable, such as making it apparent that there is some clear moral basis for the anger, being prepared to argue your case, never using manipulation or emotional blackmail, never abusing another person’s basic human rights, never unfairly depowering the weak or defenceless, taking responsibility for actions.

Focuses, such as sticking to the issue of concern, not bringing up irrelevant material.

Persistent, such as repeating the expression of feeling in the argument over and over again, standing your ground.

Courageous, such as taking calculated risks, enduring short term discomfort for long term gain, risking displeasure of some people some of the time, taking the lead, not showing fear of other’s anger, standing outside the crowd and owing up to differences, using self-protective skills.

Passionate, such as using full power of the body to show intensity of feeling, being excited and motivated, acting dynamically and energetically, initiating change, showing fervent caring, being fiercely protective, enthusing others.

Creative, such as thinking quickly, using more wit, spontaneously coming up with new ideas and new views on subjects.

Forgiving, such as demonstrating a willingness to hear other people’s anger and grievances, showing an ability to wipe the slate clean once anger has been expressed.

Answer 7

I have the same problem. I have found some success when I realized that it was other peoples behavior that was driving me nuts. I then I realized I was giving these people to much respect and power. I had to stop doing that, I had to start taking responsability for myself more and not be so dependant on others. See, I was giving them power because, I thought, I needed their approval in order to be accepted, or even to just survive. I realized I need my own approval more. So I stopped respecting people so much and started telling them how I felt with out caring how they felt. When ever someone did something rude I genuinely started to laugh at them instead of getting angry. I started to see people for who they really are. And some arent worth any of the stress they were causing me. They also started to respect me more, likely because I wasnt so wimpish and needy any more. I started to stand on my own to feet. My anger has since moved on and I am a much happier person now. Hope this answer helps you.

Answer 8

Anger management course works - also you can try exercise which relieves stress and anger, resting enough, eating properly, mediation if you are into that, and even acupuncture - Also deep breaths - in through your nose for 10 seconds, hold for 10 - out through mouth for 10.. you can imagine somewhere calm in your head and try to take yourself there - away from your stressors. Maybe you are not getting enough time for you - to do things that you like to do - maybe you need more time to yourself - if so, see if you can set aside that personal time that we all need.

If you can - start writing down how you feel - this way you can do a few things - get out how you are feeling in a constructive way that you can even learn from - and you can start to realize what triggers you or when you tend to get mad - if you start to see a pattern, you can start to work on changing that pattern.

You may want to see someone to talk to for a while to get some coping skills or something - you are probably a person who stuffs all of your feelings or may have problems expressing yourself which is why when something comes out - you explode cause you can't keep it all in anymore.

Really - you need to focus on talking - getting things out- letting people know in a healthy way when you are not happy with them or something and talking about your frustrations and problems - that does not make you weak - it makes you stronger. There is no need to suffer with anger - there isn't.

:o)

Answer 9

When you get angry does it feel like a rush that builds? If so read on.
What you are probably experiencing in the vicious circle of anger and reward. Each time you begin to get angry your brain receives a dose of adrenalin and (more importantly) dopamine. This is a reward chemical (produced when we take cocaine). We get angry - the dopamine is produced - we get angrier as our brain LIKEs the rush - we get angrier. Face goes red, volume goes up etc. That's why it feels like a rush building.
The only way to stop is to break the cycle. Your brain will eventually re-learn not to go on rages.
In many ways the old "count to ten" is a good tip.

Answer 10

You maybe should try to take a course in anger management, i hear that they can be very useful, and help people a great deal, Meditation, is another great stress reliever, think about what is causing this stress, and address it, perhaps also counselling, just talking to someone telling them how you feel, that always helps, it must be awful for you to walk around feeling things bottling up inside of you, you would be feeling like a time bomb, herbal medicine also, can help. Music listen to your fave music, good luck, take care and god bless.