What's the best way to start living when most of your life has been on a detour?

Question

For various reasons I strayed away from my dreams/goals in life and now find myself, 20 years later, in a job/life I hate because I have no sense of purpose or passion for it. I've known this for a while but over time I've grown a family and the income from my "pretend" career is signifincat for maintaining stability of my lifestyle/family (responsibility). I am reaching the point of job dysfunction but lack confidence to make drastic changes (fear of losing security). What should I do? I've lost my drive and I'm not sure what direction to go. If I were free from my current job, I may have a renewed docus, or I fear I may have none at all. What is the best way to manage a transition into the unknown?

I have many interests, I have gone the religious route, I know all the prevailing psychoanalitical process stuff - nothing sticks. I've talked to professionals...I understand what is happening intellectually, but nothing changes.

Answer 1

Well, here's a case of the "blind leading the blind" -- but here goes nothin'. :)

I understand your situation. I'm currently there as well. Been in the "professional market" for 16 years now. I entered not knowing what I wanted to do, ended up drifting from thing to thing, and slowly became more and more miserable and unfulfilled.

Now I have a family that I need to support; but at times the misery and uncertainty is overwhelming. Like you, I understand intellectually the religious and psychological reasons why I am behaving the way I am, and what's going on... but as far as making a decision or moving, I just find myself locked down by sheer inertia.

Unless you get lucky and meet someone who hears your dream and immediately wants to pay you a decent wage for doing it (without any certainty you've developed expertise in it yet), you're going to have to roll up the sleeves, determine what risks are worth taking, do a lot of footwork and talking to people you know in order to find "open doors," and maybe try some jobs you aren't sure about.

It's good to remember that your wife and you are a team, so any serious decisions you make about your income have to be discussed between the two of you and faced as a team. She does need to be supportive of you and your needs, while you need to remain supportive of her situation (i.e., the risk you are suggesting). Has she had any opinions on any of this yet, or any suggestions for possible career changes?

You will also need a budget review, just so you understand what risks you might be incurring, and what the bare minimum income would be for you to stay afloat as a family. Determine your bottom line.

Do you have an area of interest you are considering entering, or are you just wanting to quit and then look around for that nebulous "better profession?" Do you know what your 'passion' is yet (as compared to the lack of passion you feel in your current job)? The more you understand about what you enjoy, what you're willing to sacrifice for and work hard to do, what you can take risks for, the more direction you will have. (Someone else mentioned trying out your desired work as a hobby and seeing how it goes. This is not bad advice.)

We all are unsatisfied with our work for different reasons; we also all have different reasons for not moving. You are balancing family needs vs personal needs, and you also are a risk-manager and fear to move on. It sounds like you are unsure of direction, or you'd have moved by now... or that you're not sure specifically how to get to where you want to go. There are few ways around this latter problem other than researching the desired industry, doing the work and making personal connections, and seeing where things go and whether you can make the jump at some point.

A book I am currently reading is called, "I could do anything if I only knew what it was," by Barbara Sher. She covers a variety of scenarios in this book for why you might be hesitating, and some of the exercises are useful.

One example in her book that sticks with me, on how to determine your "passion," is to imagine yourself in a job you KNOW is a mismatch for you. Then ask yourself these questions:
1. What would the job be like (your actual duties, you imagine)?
2. How would you feel in this job, specifically?
3. How would this job feel after three months?
4. Imagine that you are not permitted to quit this job unless you make it "wonderful" somehow. How would you do that?

Invariably, the ways you would "change" the job will help reveal where your interests actually are -- the natural direction you would like to take things.

You're not in an easy spot, and there are no easy answers. Wish there were -- if only so you could share them with ME. :) But I get the feeling you're waiting for the 'right moment' or 'the least risky opportunity' -- and I think this is one case where you need to muscle through instead and be willing to take some hits. It sounds like it's time simply to make a decision and move, and to stop analyzing.

You hint that you're a spiritual person. Christians generally believe that God will enable us to be fulfilled/content and useful wherever we are, and that in the right time He will open doors to help us move into areas where we can be best used. You need to be praying for this, as well as for opportunities for God to use you uniquely right now despite feeling miserable. There are unique things about you that at least can impact your coworkers in positive ways. Like the exercise I mentioned above, what are the ways in which you could make your current work a place where your special personal nature comes to the front?

What I am seeing now is that this life is MY life. It doesn't matter whether I took a wrong turn in the past, or made the wrong decision, or even that I'm really miserable right now. All of that is past and unfixable. This is my life, it's got certain boundaries (whether I chose them or not), and I have to live it out and make it work as it is right now. I'm responsible for what I do with each day.

Stay in touch, if you want. I'd be interested to hear of any success you experience, as well as what ideas end up working for you.

Answer 2

You mentioned a family. A wife and kids are going to be depending on you.

Talk things over with your wife. Let her know that you're going through a crisis at the moment. Don't make any drastic decisions. Keep in mind, that anything you do is going to impact your kids, your wife and your home. You need to be a hero for them; that's #1.

#2. You need to break up your routine as part of "getting out of your life". Go for long walks. Join a church group. Get some alone time in. Boredom can do wonders for your creativity.

#3. I suggest you get rid of your television, and possibly your computer, too.

#4. Get this book:
http://www.amazon.com/List-Your-Self-Listmaking-Self-Discovery/dp/0836221796
It's a form of self therapy; perfect for during/after those long walks.

#5. Talk to the Big Guy Upstairs. You don't have to be eloquent or smart or high-and-mighty or whatever. Find a place of complete solitude, put your head down, and tell Him what's on your mind. Ask Him for some insight. Keep doing this. He'll show you a way.

Bonus idea: Want to do something crazy? Take up jogging and go for midnight runs. It's strangely liberating.

Good luck.

Answer 3

Your on the right path. My advice is to listen to yourself. You kow what you have a longing to do, just go for it slowly. Just enjoy life on the way. Don't stress, but work at it. Change your habits to better ones. Get out there and even just take a walk around, and get a feel of what it's like out there in the world again. Don't be lazy.Your confidence will come back. You just might run into some people that will later become part of your successful future.

Answer 4

I would start with a hobby. Find something that genuinely interests you and start it as a hobby. If you decide that this hobby could become a career, then you could start by taking classes that have to do with this hobby. Then you can go from there. I think the most important step is to figure out what you like to do and then work that into your life and then later if you choose, you can make the job transition. It is a scary thing to think of uprooting your life, so don't think about it in that context. Take it one step at a time and see what options you have and then go from there.

Answer 5

I would start with some cheap explorative classes at your local (?) community college. Often you can do them over the internet so you don't miss much home time or have to change you job schedule. It's a good way to start looking into changing. It's never too late to start something new. My father is almost ready to retire at age 60, and he still talks (and pursues) things that he says he wants to do when he grows up. I don't think he'll ever grow up, but that's what is keeping him young to begin with.

Answer 6

WELL THE FIRST THING I WOULD DO IS SAVE AS MUCH MONEY AS I COULD THAT MEANS CUT DOWN ON TAKE OUT AND WHILE DOING THAT (DON'T GET TEMPTED BY THINGS FOR THIS MONEY IS FOR SECURITY )
NOW I WOULD NEED A DETAILED PLAN (IT DOES NOT NEED TO BE FOLLOWED IT IS JUST TO BETTER VISUALIZE WHAT MY GOAL IS AND WHAT I'M ABOUT TO DO ) AND THEN DO THE PRO'S AND CON'S LIST ALL THE THINGS OUT ON THE TABLE MANAGING BUDGET AND NEEDS TO OBTAIN MY GOAL NOW I FEEL BETTER AND I FEEL MORE SECURE IN WHAT I'M ABOUT TO DO I NEED SO MUCH MONEY TILL I'M MAKING ENOUGH TO SUPPORT EVERYTHING AND I KNOW I NEED AT LEAST A LITTLE MORE FOR JUST IN CASE I HAVE TO GO A LITTLE LONGER WITHOUT GOOD INCOME THEN IF IT IS A BUSNISS I'M REACHING FOR LOOK FOR GRANT TO HELP OR OTHER RESOURSES THINK EVERYTHING WILL FALL IN PLACE I KNOW MY PLAN CAN CHANGE A LITTLE DEPENDING ON THE GOAL I SET BUT I'LL HAVE TO SET LITTLE GOALS TO ACHIEVE THE BIG ONE GOOD LUCK AND GOD BLESS

Answer 7

I feel the same way, yet you're unhappy cause you're following the 'American Dream' not YOUR dream. Make the most of what you've made and appreciate what you have now though.

Answer 8

Go to New York, walk into the 1st Men's room...inhale deeply...thank the lord your not from New York....they are filthy...Go BOSOX 2007

Answer 9

be confident on what you are doing..forget the old days those because if you will think about the old days which were not good if cant just focus on what you are doing..

Answer 10

today is the first day of the rest of your life ..a wise man once said