Are you presently with the love of your life?

Question

If you look at these questions and answers it's clear that we have a strong theme among us -- many of us are in relationships with people that aren't the love of our lives. I'm wondering why? Did you choose to be with someone for practical reasons? Is the love of your life just impossible to deal with? Is being alone better than being with someone that is just a good companion? I'm curious. Thanks for your honesty.

Answer 1

I have been with the love of my life for the past 13 year of marriage and almost 5 years of dating before that. I think the main reason a lot of marriages fail is because people put all the emphasis on being head over heels in love, instead of attending to any of the practical aspects. That isn't romantic, I know- but there's a lot more to having a sucessful marriage than being in love. First, you have to like the person- it should be somebody you would choose first as a friend. If you can't be friends, you certainly can't be anything else.
I made it a point to make a pretty honest evalution of myself at one time. I had taken a class in marriage counselling as an undergraduate, and it was something we had done as an exercise in class. We honestly assessed our strengths, weaknesses, likes, dislikes, child rearing views, religious views, and money views. We rated each on a basis of how important it was to us, and how open we were to changes or differences. After that, we drew up an assessment of what characteristics we would like to find in our ideal partner- since few of us were actually married at the time- though those who were married did the assessment on their partner. We didn't share the info with the class- it was ours alone to see- so you could be pretty brutally honest. The idea was to have a means of determining how well you and a partner meshed- and on what level.
It probably all sounds pretty cold blooded- but I did find use for this. When I was still dating, when it looked like things were getting a bit serious- I would look over my lists. I realized if my potential mate and I had serious differences in areas that I felt stongly about- a long term relationship was not likely to be a sucess. Eventually I did find somebody I not only liked and loved, but we actually matched quite well on my criteria. I even made it a point to discuss the items with my future husband, to make sure I had his opinions and thoughts correct. He thought I was a bit nuts at the time, but after he looked over it all, he also saw the wisdom.
That's not to say we are a perfect couple- far from it. We do not always see eye to eye on everything, but when we are dealing with things that are critical and where we have strong preferences- we most usually do agree. I would never say he was impossible to deal with, because from my point of view he isn't. Sure he has little idiosyncracies, so do I. But none of them involve things we are not willing to tolerate- since that possibility was eliminated from the beginning.
Ideally, you would love your companion- but that love matures with time. The first sparks are not always a sign that you really have the kind of fire you are looking for. Even if you get some good flames- if there isn't fuel to support the fire in the long term, it's going out eventually. And you get left in the cold. A long term relationship starts with a bit of spark, flames up, and then settles down to a good bed of glowing coal. You can always fan the flames if you want, and it gives off a good steady heat you can depend on. It's not as showy as a new fire, but it's a lot more comfortable to be near and more satisfying in the long run.
The love of your life is a good companion for life, but not all companions are the love of your life. It's important not to confuse one with the other. If you are looking for the love of your life, you will not be satisfied with just a companion- you will be cheating both of yourselves. Can you live that way? Yes, but not in contentment, and I think eventually that discontentment will cause problems. The end of a relationship is always sad- you end up feeling like a failure, miserable and often angry and hurt. So I think it would be better to be alone than to settle for less. That doesn't mean you can't still have an active social life, or that you have to give up looking. It means accepting that you just haven't found what you are looking for yet. I think given the pain a bad relationship gives, I'd rather risk a little loneliness. Having the right partner is linked to a long life- having the wrong partner will just make it seem that way.
As I said, I realize my answer isn't really romantic. But if you are willing to try on dozens of jeans to find the one that fits just right- why not spend even more time determining if the partner fits just right? You will certainly have the partner longer and it will have a much bigger effect on your life. Of all the decisions and choices you make, the partner you choose to be with is the most rewarding or devastating experience of life. So although my assessment suggestion isn't all flowers and romance, it is at least realistic. Find the right fit, and it all works out. Settle for an ill fit, and regret it.

Answer 2

I was "in like" several times but it was unrequited. I have been with the love of my life since March 5, 1975. We married in 1978 and still have a wonderful relationship. I am from a very large family and counting my parents, We have 200+ years of commitment to being with the loves of our lives.

Even in a committed relationship, there are times when you can't and shouldn't do everything together, and times when you get so angry that you wish the other person would just shrivel up and dissapear, but it takes two to make it work and we work every day.

Answer 3

Yes; I am. She is not perfect but neither is she. There are times even when I'm ready to pull my hair out with her. When it all comes down to it though I find it an honor to awake in the morning beside her and lie beside her at night. When it comes down to it I really would give my life for her and anyone else's to. I can't see a future without her. When I look into her eyes not only do I see us growing old together but I also see my children in her eyes. We have gone through hell and back together multiple times and will probably make the trip many more. As long as she is by my side I know I can persevere.

That is why I am with her.

Answer 4

I have been married twice, my first marraige I was young (19) and pregnant, and scared to death to be alone, we got along good (or so I thought) he was funny, and he asked and I said yes...I thought I would learn to love him, I didn't, I learned to hate him, the day we got married he became abusive VERY abusive, I stayed for six years! My second marriage was a guy I dated in high school, and I loved him, but I was never "in love with him", I married him because I had three children and he was a great friend and companion....basically I was an idiot and I "settled" so I didn't have to be alone both times. Nine months ago, I decided that being comfortably married was not enough anymore. I wanted and deserved more.

Am I presently with the love of my life? yes and no. I have found him, I love him more than life itself, but he's not mine to have. He's married.........so instead of following my old footsteps, I will opt to be alone, unless the day ever comes that he chooses to leave his wife (which of course is against the odds).

Answer 5

I am with the love of my life, and I do love him so very much. No relationship is perfect, but I think it is very important to never argue, it doens't cause anything but more problems. Have patience and listen. I think if your so-called love of your life is not someone you can deal with, then he is not the love of your life. You are suppose to love them till the end, no matter what. What is most important in life, that I think the majority of people in this world forget, is happiness is key, if you are not happy with the person your with, then that is definetly not the love of your life.

Answer 6

I am presently with the love of my life, I have been with him for 8 years and married for 1 we have 2 children and i couldn't ask for a better family than the one i have.

Answer 7

Yes i am with the love of my life, And it took me until the age of 33 to find him. Met him online and we been living together for 2 yrs. And of course we have our problems like everyone else. But we have total respect for eachother,and honesty. If we have problems then we can talk them out. Not everyone is perfect,And i know that...But yes i am with the love of my life,,and very happy.

Answer 8

1. I'm with the love of my life.
2. It is better to be alone than with someone for companionship; you will always feel cheated, and its not fair to the companion.

A lot of the questions I couldn't answer because they didn't apply to me, however I believe that people get into relationships and marriages for the wrong reasons. Namely because they have issues of their own to work out, and think that another person will ease whatever situation they're in.

Love yourself first; be capable and independent. Once you do this, love will find YOU.

Answer 9

The love of my life passed away 2 and half years ago....So I'm not very optimistic about relationships at this point..Although I do have a very good friend that I relate to but would have trouble if it were anymore than that...

Answer 10

am i with the love of my life??? i like to think i am, but only God knows so ask me on the other side in heaven, but im reasonable sure that she enterd my life in such a way that was unmistakably remarkable and even when im down and out or she and i are crossed i have never waivored of my love or my choice to marry, although the common theme in the room is divorce or being with somone they are not happy with it doesnt represent all of us it only represents three classes of people. it represents the class of people that dont know what marriage is really about, they thinks its always this uephoric, happy bliss. and they forget to learn that marriage is about work work work and never giving up. it also represents the class of people who think promises are only usfull untill they ((((((((((feel))))))))) diffrent and can cast aside promises before God and country on a "feeling" and the last group of people i think it represents are those that are looking for a shortcut to happiness, by that i mean people want so badly to be happy they overlook seriouse redflags becuase its easier to hope that things will work out then to find the right person with out all the redflags. to find that person, one has to endure alot of time alone and alot of relationships ending on seeing certain redflags like those that can make a promise and not commit or follow though with it.......im gonna add one more group becuase its needed to be said.... some people think being an adult is an age or a physical size and we all know that even a 45 year old male can still be a boy and just becuase you like to call yourself a lady doesnt mean you are it could mean your decieving yourself to make yourself feel like a grownup.. a man does what is right regarless of how fun it is and a lady is beyond reproach.<~~ beyond reproach means noone can ever accuse you of being imoral or unscrupulis....... great topic