I'm super-stressed about my new fiance & his kids. Help!?

Question

He's a fantastic guy (at least I think so), but left his wife of 9 years to be with me. The divorce was only final last month & we got engaged a few weeks before it was finalized (although haven't told anyone). He has a 4 yr old & a baby only a few months old. I'm 7 years younger with no children (and no desire to have my own, at least not for several years). I came out of a BAD abusive relationship before I was with him. Now the kids come every other weekend to our new house & I'm really frustrated. They jump on the (brand new) furniture and I guess just act like kids. But he lets them jump on the couches, beds, and even throw balls, toys inside. I have never done this stuff and don't want it done in my house. But they aren't my kids and I don't feel it's my place to correct them. Also, how do I even bring it up? I'm afraid of hurting his feelings if I start questioning his parenting skills. Also, the ex is such a sensitve subject - how do i bring up things related to her

Answer 1

In your house these children must respect your things and your authority. This doesn't mean you are their parent. He is the parent. If he doesn't shape up and start parenting then you better be paying attention. This will not improve until the children are old enough to choose for themselves whether to improve or not. And then there is no guarantee they will.

Have this discussion with him BEFORE you marry him. A wedding will not make anything change. Usually the issues after the wedding are magnified rather than lessened.

Answer 2

You really took on a whole lot of baggage and for the life of me I don't see why. There are so many good men in the world other than a man who would have an affair, and divorce a wife after 3 kids...two to young to understand what is happening.

Since you are not married, I think you should move into your own place and let him deal with the kids on the every other weekend he has them for one month. Let them drive him crazy and then he will be more open to suggestions on how to turn things around for the better. Never ever dish the ex wife.

Answer 3

Like Zebrarain, I wonder how "fantastic" this man really is.

He left his wife of 9 years for you. He apparently has partial custody, not full custody. I doubt he will get full custody given he left his wife for you.

Now, you are complaining that the children are a handful but you want to have another one. Obviously, he is not disciplining them, and that is nothing new with divorced men. In general, they tend to think it is their fault that the kids are in the situation they are in and they choose to ignore bad behavior to make up for the fact that they only see their kids two a week or so. I can tell you from talking to the mothers of the children they wish you would do something about this. It makes it harder on them to have to discipline the children the majority of the week when daddy lets them act like little savages on the weekends. If his ex wife would talk to you I am sure she would agree that you are in the right to set guidelines and run the house pretty much the way it has to be run. Of course, that is a big if you can talk with her.

Now to you, are you afraid that he is an abusive parent or spouse? If so get out of there right now. You started out by talking him up and then finished by saying ignores the kids. Are you afraid to tell him that he is a bad father? What if he is? He won't get any better if you let him think he is doing nothing wrong. You need to communicate with him and by that I do not mean argue. Tell him that you need help. You need him to agree on disciplining the kids. Tell him that it will help them to develop as individuals and as parts of a larger world. Tell him it will also make it easier for them to spend more quality time together learning about each other. Life is not all fun and games. And some day these kids will have questions of their own and he will want to be the person they want to come to and ask what to do. He has to get them to understand that he is there for them to guide them and to encourage them but not to placate them and tell them everything is alright when it is not. And, you need to do the sam thing for them and for the child you want to have.

If you can get this done with him and with his ex wife , great . If you are able to do this with him, okay. If you have to do this on your own that is not good but it is batter than leaving these kids to grow up wild. I wish you the best, and hope you can all come together on this point. As you said the divorce is still fresh, this can be an ammicable relationship if you help make it one. be happy.

Answer 4

If you really love him and want to make it work, you need to sit him down and be honest. Tell him that you didn't do that and did not grow up around that kind of behavior. Tell him you would like to set some rules for the kids when they are at your house. You don't have to bring up the ex this is something that is happening at your house not hers. Let him know that you feel there needs to be a separate set of rules at you house. Good Luck

Answer 5

The answer is, you don't bring it up. Kids are messy, they do stupid stuff, they ruin furniture and walls, they make noise, and they're frustrating. There's nothing you can do about it. Some amount of dicsipline is necessary, but there's always gonna be a commotion one way or another. Wait til they get older - you ain't seen nothing yet. Seriously ask yourself if you want to put up with a lifetime of this (well, at least til they're old enough to be on their own). You have to accept them and love them almost as your own, otherwise you and your fiance are both heading for trouble.

Answer 6

What extra are you able to do? not lots. You seem to have issues under administration as much as available. in case you have been to be out working, you will possibly have the duty of offering look after the youngsters. it is vitally costly as i'm particular you already understand, plus it quite is risky at present looking a sitter who's to be depended on with those little lives. i think of see you later as you're a sort and loving companion, doing all your section at homestead as you have already got, which you will be superb. Your guy would not desire you to sense responsible, a maximum of do. be happy that he has the attitude that he does. you have a stable working dating - so carry on.

Answer 7

If he did this to her, what makes you think he won't do it to you?

As for the kids, it's your house, and your rules. If people don't like your rules, they can leave. Don't let the abusive realtionship in the past control you today. You can't have children controling your life, much less a man.

Sweet, he left her for you. He broke up a family and is putting his kids through hell to be with you. I'd be thrilled!

Answer 8

If you want this to progress successfully, you have to speak up. That's your house, too, and you should be able to correct the kids. Not spanking them, of course, that would be overstepping, but you can establish rules and expect them to abide by those rules in your home. Talk to him and tell him there will be some boundaries for the kids and he must help you enforce those boundaries. He's not doing them any favors letting them act like animals. Again-it's your house, too, and you have every right to speak up.

Answer 9

I think you need to sit down and talk to your fiance. Tell him how you feel about the kids jumping on the brand new furniture. My husbands kids use to do this all the time b/c their mother allows them to do this over at her house. If i see my husbands kids doing something wrong i simply say not to do that i tell them that they could either hurt themselves or hurt someone (my husband has 3 kids that i have to deal with). I tell them that we have rules over here at our house and i say i know that your mom allows you to do this at her house but your not going to do it over here (at their mothers house they have no rules and they are aloud to just do whatever so when they come to our house they think they can just do whatever over here too b/c mommy lets them do it at her house) Or if i see them doing something wrong i tell my husband what the kids are doing and i tell him i think he needs to do something about it. I don't feel its my place to correct them either but someone has to do it. I correct them b/c i care about them and don't want them to get hurt. They could easily fall off an break a arm or leg or something. Your fiance and his ex wife must of allowed them to do this while they were together. I'd have a lil talk with your fiance about his children jumping on things and throwing things in your new house. Oh i can only imagine how you feel about this lol. Your better start making them mind now before they get older. Hopefully your fiance will listen to you and do something about this situation. Good luck.

Answer 10

Sorry to say it but you inherited the children the way they are...lucky for you they dont resent you since theyre very young. If you want him bad enough you will simply put up with it and correct them gently yourself or more firmly with him around. Best of luck...you may have bit off more than you thought you could chew.