He saids he'll divorce me if I don't start.....?

Question

Ok here it is,my husband and I have been together for 9 years I have 2 daughters from and earlier relationship,a year into our relationship we had our son..our marriage is really good! But... our kids are now 11,9,6 years old...and I have to admit I do EVERYTHING FOR THEM/and my husband none of them have to do dishes,clean their rooms,bathrooms,do chores and so on...I'd also have to admit my kids are lazy! and very messy...they don't pick up after themselves and whine when I do ask them to clean,maybe thats why I don't ask anybody to help me around the house...It's just easier to do it myself,but I know thats not right...Hubby has stated more then a few times that if I don't change and start making them help out and do work around the house,at the very least clean up after themselves he's leaving me and getting a divorce...so is he just acting like an a s s ? or do I have my head in the sand? He's says I'm not teaching them anything by doing it all for them,but thats how I was raised.

Answer 1

Repeat After Me . . . . . . You are not the maid! It is not too late to start!

Start with the trash. Ask your 11 year old to make sure the trash gets to the kerb the evening before collection. He may forget, but remind him once or twice. If he goes to bed without doing it, wake him up around midnight and say sweetly "Honey, don't go to sleep yet, you didn't put the trash out" I only had to do that once, but it was worth getting up at midnight to do it - he never forgot again.

Another technique for your older children is to wait until my child needed a special shirt or sweater and THEN show them how to use the washing machine - there is real motivation to learn how to use the washing machine when they really need something washed - once they have done that load of clothes, say "Please put the load of towels in afterwards, you do it exactly the same way as the load you just did".

I have never been a yeller or a smacker, but sometimes you need to get your point across and let them know that you are serious.

Try having a big laundry basket where you put the things they leave lying around - if they are still there after 2 or 3 days they go to "jail" and they don't get them back, or maybe they could "earn" them back.

I know it is a little late to start, but I found that when my kids were 3 years old they would help me clear the table, when they were 4 they helped me to take out the garbage, when they were 5 they helped to make the beds, when they were 6 they helped to tidy the yard, when they were 7 they put the groceries away .......... and so on, so by the time they were 13 they were doing a whole lot for themselves - which was lucky for me as my husband became ill with a life-threatening illness when they were in their early teen years, thank goodness they could cook, do laundry, cut grass and be a great help to me.

I know that sometimes it seems easier to do things for them, rather than teaching them to do it themselves, but you taught them to tie their own shoes - right? (I hope) You taught them to cross the street, feed themselves, shower etc., now it is time for you to progress and teach them the skills they will need to survive out there in the world.

When I married my second husband, his 18 years old daughter did not know that clothes had washing instructions sewn in them, how to sew on a button, how to cook a hamburger, or how to look up a number in the phone book . . . . . . the list went on.

There is a lot of talk today about self-esteem or confidence, one of the best ways to increase your child's self-esteem is to teach them skills. Perhaps you could get your kids together and make a list of skill that they would like to learn - how to use a bank machine, use a public telephone, public transport, laundromat, all these are skills they may need one day - get them involved in the running of the household.

Answer 2

WELL HE SHOULDN'T BE USING DIVORCE AS A TOOL THAT'S NOT FAR AND A BIT DRASTIC. BUT I MUST SAY HE IS RIGHT U NEED TO TEACH YOUR KIDS TO TAKE CARE OF THEM SELVES AND THERE THINGS. MOM ISN'T ALWAYS GOING TO BE THERE TO PICK UP AFTER THEM.

Answer 3

From the point of view of a teacher - you are a lousy parent!!

It's parents like you who are producing the children we have to deal with each day who don't think they have to do their homework or even clean up after themselves in class.

You are being selfish. You don't want the drama it will take to teach your lazy kids to take some responsibility around the house. You would rather do it all yourself than step up and act like a real parent.

You are raising spoiled, lazy kids. They will never accept any responsibility unless they are raised that way. Your husband is right. He should divorce you for neglecting your kids' education like you have. It is your duty to teach them the correct behavior at home. They should learn responsibility at home. They should learn how to work together for the good of the whole family.

Answer 4

I think divorce is kind of over the line in this situation, but I have to agree with him, you are not teaching them. The easy way is often the wrong way to do things. You need to instill a sense of responsibility in your children and make them learn to earn their keep in the world. When they leave home, there will not be anyone out there to pick up after them, cook, clean, and do all the follow up behind them, but they will expect it to be done. Do the words "spoiled rotten" ring in your ears. Your husband is 100% right in that you need to make them do things, rooms, pick up after themselves and dishes or other chores. The added benefit is that you will find you have more time with your husband too... He is probably just trying to get your attention about how serious he is with the divorce threat, but dang, as much as you probably do not want to admit it, he is right on this one...You can ruin children by not letting the learn to take care of themselves, so deal with the whining and fussing and make them do for themselves, just teach them how to do it...

Answer 5

Your husband is right. Not only are you taking away from your time for YOU, but you're not helping your kids by doing everything for them. #1- they need to learn how to clean up. #2- they need to learn that responsibility. Take toys away, create some sort of punishment if they don't do what they are supposed to do. When they do clean up when asked, reward them. It could be something small. Or even just a little praise. Kids love that.
You may think its easier to just do it for them... but its really not. It will do more damage in the long run. Good luck!

Answer 6

Your kids are old enough to start helping out around the house. Hate to admit your husband is right but divorce is a little drastic . Call a family meeting lay the ground rules, get a calender and assign chores for each child.

Answer 7

I think he is right to start making them help. I don't know about going as far as divorce! He should help you and talk with you not divorce you over it. But yes I do think you should start making your kids help. You need to teach them responsibility. They should pick up after themselves and I also believe they should each have a chore to do. If you don't start now while they're still kind of young they'll expect you to do everything for them even when they start to get older.

Answer 8

HE IS RIGHT THAT YOU ARE NOT TEACHING THEM ANYTHING, BUT, THAT IS NOT A REASON FOR DIVORCE ,OR EVEN TO USE IT AS THREAT.

Answer 9

That's pretty severe, but I think he's making it that way to make a point. You're spoiling these kids, and as such are not making them into worthy members of society because if they aren't productive in the house, what good are they to the rest of us?

You need to put on the strong parent hat and start ordering your children to do work around the house to help you out. If you're worried about the quality of the work they do not being as good as your own, then make sure they do it right and not let them off the hook until they've done a satisfactory job of it. You're going to run into a lot of trouble trying to put this on them now since you let them be spoiled for so long, but it has to be done sooner or later.

If not for yourself, do it for them. Because once they get to the real world they will fall flat on their faces, and the real world has ZERO tolerance for people like that.

Answer 10

Sounds like he needs to help teach them too. You ask them to clean, but he doesn't. He's not being a parent or step-parent and being a role model. Why is he expecting you to do all the teaching and parenting on your own? If I were you, I would have a discussion with your husband and ask him these questions. He is to help raise the children as much as you are. Any reason will sound like an excuse. He is a father figure and needs to show it. Good luck.

Answer 11

I agree he's acting like an a s s for saying something like that. but he is right you should have them doing things even if it takes a bit longer to get done it teaches them responsibility and gives them a since of accomplishment.

Try watching Wife Swap I swear every week one of the wives has the same philosopy you do.

It seems the best way to get them involved is to offer reqrds and make it fun. The 6 year old can probably still make a game out of it but the older ones your going to have to reward or take something away.