Poetry time again..What do you think about this one??

Question

It's been a while so I thought I would give it a try again. Critics are welcome, please???

The chill of autumn is upon us
It gets colder each passing day
Soon we will feel the ice of winter
Nothing compared to the heart
A heart that is frozen in time
Like being in a chilled abyss
Holding back the memories
For fear of torturous anguish
Why is the pain still within
After many months of nothing
Forever gone from the soul
Into the pages of forgotten love
Hold back the future
None exsists in this world
He that could of loved
Took the path unused
The meadow is empty of flowers
Even the field lily has died
Walking alone in darkness
I see his hands and hear his voice
It sings of soft spoken love
Promises that are lost forever
Timeless in memory
Lost in emptiness of nevermore.......

Excuse me, typo...exists not exsists.....

Ron C. Aren't you just the poetry critic. Kudo's for your knowledge. I didn't realize I was publishing on yahoo, nor that I am or ever plan to be a published poet, just an ordinary "nevermore" wife whose husband passed away and she's missing him............thnx for your professional critique

by the way, the punctuation was left out with intent as it is my style and outlook on life, just for the info............

Frost, Speilberg, Poe, oh woe is me. One thing for sure is poetry does not have to be based on true happenings in life. Imaginary can sometimes be the best for all concerned. One thing I know for sure is, he's gone and I went through it, not you, and those feelings are private, just as I made them in the "poem that was written from the heart not the artistic professionals eyes...............Ronny boy!!

Answer 1

Eee-ouch! Harsh critics! I'm certainly glad that I've not displayed any prose I've written here.

I think writting a poem is a personal purge of emotion. Sometimes, I don't intend anyone to read it. Sometimes, I have a message that I would like many to read. Either way, who are we to criticize something as personal as someone's expressed anguish over a lost spouse?! Many times I've written verse to release emotion that was otherwise eating at me, gone back and reread what I'd written, and thought, "Wow! It sounds like a junior high kid wrote this."

And frankly (I'll probably be crucified for this), Poe's repetition in his saga over his lost Lenore is a snore -- and look where he ranks in the poet list!

Answer 2

It's ok...I would tryto rhyme a little and break it into stanzas of 4 lines each....The chill of autumn is upon us
It gets colder every day
Soon we will feel the ice of winter
My heart is feeling that way

A heart that is frozen in time
Like being in a chilled abyss
Holding back the memories
For fear of torturous bliss

I won't finish but you get the idea. I like the idea, I just prefer poems that rhyme. I know that they don't have too. I just prefer that kind. Keep writing!

Answer 3

If this is a personal poem, by that I mean one you intend only to read yourself, then who really cares what I think? The question is does it bring you comfort? Does this poem make YOU, the writer, feel better.

As an outside reader it's not terribly interesting. Although the first line had me. I, personally, don't care for it, but that may be because it means nothing to me.

And, FYI, Emiliy Dickinson used poor punctuation in her poetry. No one liked her stuff until after she was dead, so when it comes to punctuation and critics, tell them to brush up their Dickinson! Pucntuation in poetry is a guide for the reader! Nothing more!

Answer 4

I like the idea behind the poem. I also agree with the people who say the poem doesn't flow well. Try playing with the words and paying attention the accents and beats so it will read smoothly.

Answer 5

i like it. it truly is the superb sentence from sex without Love through Sharon Olds which first confirmed me what poetry is able to (it really is somewhat lengthy): they are like large runners: they understand they are on my own with the line floor, the chilly, the wind, the fit of their footwear, their over-all cardio- vascular well being—only aspects, like the significant different contained in the mattress, and by no skill the reality, it somewhat is the only body on my own contained in the universe hostile to its own suitable time. Edit: and certain as Cheese Whisperer says i'd no longer be following guidelines...it really is close although.

Answer 6

it is a really good poem with a good story behind it . i appreciate poems and sonnets and think that this poem is great and the message could be both universal as well as personal: it is about innocence lost, how nothing stands the same as it used to be and how love can cause a broken heart. the words, imagery and detail make me feel as though i am reading a poem written by one really good writer. that was my opinion, just blunt and honest.

Answer 7

Ron C said it all. As a literary effort, it is not very good but if it is just written to get your thoughts and emotions down on paper, to give you some peace, why should you care what others think? As long as you don't expect anyone to want to publish it-and no one will-just write for your own satisfaction.

Answer 8

"Nothing compared to the heart
A heart that is frozen in time"
should read
"Nothing compared to a heart
Frozen in time"

Also, "He that could of loved" should read "He who could have loved"

I agree with whoever said it doesn't flow well. It doesn't. Some of the words are just wrong.

Answer 9

I think it's admirable to write verse, but I also think that it's absolutely necessary to read a lot of poetry before sending what one has written out into the world.

The metaphors in this poem don't have any surprise in them. One could predict them with utter certainty. Some lines are so obvious that there's no point in writing them: "The chill of autumn is upon us/It gets colder with each passing day" - getting colder is the definition of autumn, in a way. There's no urgent need to tell anyone that. And you've written "...frozen in time" and "Walking alone in darkness" two phrases so hackneyed that it's hard to read them and take them seriously. (It's like starting a mystery novel: "The sun came in through the Venetian blinds.")

Other problems: Spelling - "exists." Punctuation: Why isn't there any until the end? Punctuation: You need to look up the proper usage of ellipsis points ("..."). If you're not going to punctuate, then you should probably have a pretty clear notion of what you're giving up and what you're likely to gain from doing that. You won't get the benefit of consistent enjambment, for example: "...alone in darkness/I see his hands..." works okay; but, "hear his voice/It sings..." is clunkier, since you're basically making the line ending and capitalization follow different rules, with no real need for the potential confusion. Capitalizing the first word in each line is originally a printer's convention. If you're going to take it up, then you should have some clear rationale for doing it - one that needn't be unfathomable to the reader.

Also, the verse contains unnecessary (e.g., uncreative or unintentional) grammatical or stylistic errors: "He that could of loved" probably means "He who could have loved." There's a laziness about the whole composition that makes this reader think, If the writer didn't care enough to take the time to fix this, why should I take the time to read it?

Other assorted problems: too many linking verbs and verbs in the passive voice. One can never, ever use the word "nevermore" in a poem without alluding to Poe, which reference is, unfortunately, not doing your poem any favors. Other allusions that verge on the ridiculous: "Took the path unused" has already been done supremely well by Frost in "The Road Less Traveled." "Hold back the future" is too close to Spielberg's "Back to the Future." Shakespeare has done lilies too well to bring back without supreme confidence and technical mastery.

I have to ask myself when I read odd things in a poem whether or not I believe that the poet has any direct experience of what he or she describes. You've written, "Like being in a chilled abyss." That seems reasonable at first glance, but then I start to think about it. If you had fallen into a crevasse on a mountaineering expedition, would you call it a "chilled abyss"? Not bloody likely. Under what circumstances would anyone use that phrase to describe a real, physical sensation (which you're using as an analogy to an emotional state)? The answer: never. The world of a poem has to be as real - if not more so - than the world of everyday life. That doesn't mean that it has to be literal, only that it has to be true to experience. Be specific: if it's as cold as you imagine an icicle would be if it pierced your hand until it drew blood, I'd believe it because you can imagine it, because you've felt something like it, at least. Or if you really were in a chilled abyss once, you need to write where and when it was, so that the reader trusts your understanding of human experience implicitly, without being told, from afar, about some general condition.

Read, read, read. Write all you want. Think and revise before you publish.

In response to the comments regarding my answer:

I've taken your poem seriously, obviously. And have spent more time writing about it than I might have. If you read carefully, you'll see that I wasn't questioning your experience of the emotional tragedy, only your description of the analogy. THAT'S what I was saying didn't ring true. The "chilled abyss" didn't rise to the level of the loss that you're really talking about.

If the poem were merely personal, then you wouldn't have posted it, wouldn't have asked for comments. That's publishing in its basic form. The thing is, I don't think that the poem as it is really does justice to the experience that you're trying to convey - to yourself, and to the rest of us here who are reading it - because you haven't taken enough care over it.

I am not patronizing you when I point out things that don't work here; I would appreciate it if you wouldn't take a patronizing tone with me, either.

You've gotten more time and attention devoted to your poem, by someone who has read, studied, written, taught, and edited poetry for many years. You MIGHT take this as an opportunity to learn, rather than as an excuse to vent. I find it odd that - instead of defending yourself in your comments directed at me - you don't instead just ask me to explain why I think what I do about a particular point, or ask what suggestions I might have to help you write more robust verse in the future. That's what people who want to learn usually do. They see an opportunity and try to exploit it, rather than attacking it or lining up self-justifications. If your poem really stood on its own, you wouldn't need to say a word about it; every word it meant would already be in it.

Poetry deserves to be as good as it can be - if a poem is worth writing, it's worth writing well.

Answer 10

Because I suffer from SAD, I couldn't even finish reading your poem. It's bleak. Good job.