10 years ago, I got pregnant and married a man whom I thought I loved. Throughout our marriage, he went to bars on a daily basis and left me to raise our daughter. When he wasn't drinking at the bar, he would bring the beer home and drink there. A few years later, "celebrating" my new job, our youngest daughter was concieved. We bought a house, and I opened up a daycare to stay home with the kids. He still drank. When he would wake up in the morning, I was scared. His hangovers were terrible. I was accused one time of throwing out his shorts (when they were out in the garage, boxed up) He always controlled everything. When I even mentioned his alcololism, he would deny it. When I mentioned how depressed I was, he asked me if he was going to find "his" children drowned in the bathtub. My spirit and soul is gone. I have looked at an apartment and will move this weekend. My daughter is VERY upset with me. How can I re-assure her this is the BEST decision for all of us?
2006-09-28 05:21:59 · 27 answers · asked by Erin 2 in Family & Relationships ➔ Marriage & Divorce
MOVE ON!! then keep yourself busy..
2006-09-28 05:24:14 · answer #1 · answered by edzy 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
You are on the right track. As for your daughter she cannot understand your adult issues. You can only explain that your dealing with this has to do with positive change and evidence of it might result in a reconciliation ( does it?). There comes a time when you can no longer look the other way. Change must be thrust on some people.
Reality is that he will not quit drinking unless he wants to. It might take your leaving or a time of loneliness to make that happen. Kids view it as destroying their home and life. They must understand that change is often painful but necessary. Its the outcome which its value is measured by.
2006-09-28 05:41:34 · answer #2 · answered by Flagger 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋
You know what, it IS the best decision, he's an alcoholic and needs help, you are the mom and if your daughter is mad, then let her be (she is entitled to her feelings, but she will get over the madness). It is a bad situation and you are making the right choice. God Be with you, if I was there I'd give you a great big hug. I hope you have some friends who will support you as you make this move forward, don't look back honey, KEEP going forward!!!
2006-09-28 05:29:04 · answer #3 · answered by Ladeebug71 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Your little girl is scared too. She doesn't understand what is going on and often children think or wonder if it is their fault. I don't suggest you say anything to her right now. Wait until you are all moved into the new apartment. There you may speak freely with her and open with her. Whatever you do, don't *talk down* daddy, she will get defensive. Ask her to answer questions that she already knows the answer to. Like " Honey, you know about daddy's drinking? Right? " Let her answer you with "Yes", then say, "Remember when daddy would get mad in the mornings and he didn't feel very good?" and let her answer you with "Yes" then you tell her that daddy and you still love eachother, but that daddy's drinking so much is not good or healthy, and that for right now you feel that you and daddy need this time apart. Then maybe ask her if she understands what you are saying. Let her ask you questions and you try to be as honest and open with her without *downing daddy* or *talking bad* about daddy. Please remember she loves him and she looks up to him, she is young and until she can *see* certain things for herself, its a good idea that you try to play light on the subject of daddy, and please tell her again and again, that its not her fault and this has nothing to do with her or your youngest child and that you and daddy still love her very much and always will. BLessed be........
2006-09-28 05:38:22 · answer #4 · answered by shy&gental 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
It will be VERY difficult for the children - without a doubt! But children don't always know what's best. All they've ever known is that mom and dad ARE together today. And I'm certain it's scary for any child to think about their parents NOT being together. However you need to be the strong one here, and it sounds as though you are! I'm sorry to hear about your situation. You are doing the right thing. He sounds abusive. If not physically, certainly verbally, and it's very unhealthy for you - and your children to be in that type of environment. I wish you all the best of luck! Stay strong! It will be worth it in the long run!
2006-09-28 05:28:46 · answer #5 · answered by loving father 5 · 1⤊ 1⤋
I assume you are taking your children with you...which is going to be hard for them. You need to make sure that you talk to her daughter about what is going on. Be honest - tell her the facts, but on a level she will understand. Let her know that she is still loved by both parents and always make a point of going out of your way to not speak negative things about your husband in front of the girls.
2006-09-28 05:27:11 · answer #6 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
It will take time honey. But your decision to leave is for the best. He's not going to change, because you put up with it this long.
Once you and your daughter get settled, i'm sure she's see that there's less stress where your concerned, and she'll see that mom is and can be a happy person..........how cool is that??
If it keeps bothering her to where it seems she can't adjust after a good time, get her in counceling.
I'm proud of you!! Stand up and be heard!
2006-09-28 05:37:40 · answer #7 · answered by peggin_beast 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Tell her that even though a divorce or seperation is painful,it is all for her own good.Highlight the bad points about her father and ask her how she will feel if she has to endure these for a long time.If she still objects to ur decision, maybe arrange for her to meet her father at least once a week?I do empathise with ur situation,a divorce is most painful to a child...
2006-09-28 05:27:39 · answer #8 · answered by lemondevil88 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Your daughter is about 10 years of age....she may not understand your decision. All she knows is what she's lived already and that's normal to her. She loves her parents unconditionally. You will have to find professional help for her thru her school so that she grows up knowing you did the right thing for her. Trust me! Also, you won't be able to help your daughter unless you help yourself too! She'll need to "see" you're getting help too. Also...NNNEEEVVVEERR talk bad about her father.
She won't see your husband as that....she only knows him as her father....your daughter is not your best friend whom you can vent about your sufferings w/your husband. When your daughter gets older, she'll put two and two together and figure "him" out for what he was.
2006-09-28 05:25:03 · answer #9 · answered by Zoila 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋
You can't explain it all to her. She is a child and doesn't understand what you do, or really SEE it as you do. After I filed for divorce and informed my children, my oldest didn't speak to me for DAYS, almost the whole week to be exact.
I spend time trying to convince him, trying to explain to him, but then I realized, it isn't my place to do that. We are divorcing because HIS and MY relationship doesn't work. We aren't good for each other. His relationship with my children isn't an issue, and it would be totally wrong for me to include my children in it.
So instead of trying to reveal all the dirty little deeds that went on behind closed doors while the kids were asleep.....I just told my son that our relationship was bad. It was bad for me, it hurt me, it wore me down, it was toxic and unhealthy and that I deserved better for myself. I deserve happiness, and that hopefully one day we can be friends.
I also reassured him that his dad will always be there, and that the love he has for them isn't the issue. The only thing that will change is Mom and Dad's relationship. And that I want to be happy, I want the kids to be happy, and they deserve to grow up with me giving my best to them and for them......and not being down, depressed, and drained because of my unhappy relationship. This made sense to them because at times I'd be so depressed, I literally would not leave my bedroom. I'd be laying there in the dark, not wanting to interact with anyone.
Just leave it at that. Assure her that there is a problem between you and your husband. And that it doesn't involve her, or interfere with the love that you and him have for her.
2006-09-28 05:38:12 · answer #10 · answered by lilac b 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
You know why your daughter is upset. She fears the unknown, she fears the loss of a "family" even if it was terrible, it is always easier to face the devil you know than the devil you dont know, and she fears for her father, knowing you and she wont be there to take care of him.
You can help her understand and deal with the first 2 issues, but her concern for her alcoholic father is real, and hard to dissuade.
2006-09-28 05:27:31 · answer #11 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋