I've always felt "evil" in church- a product of Christianity or just me? Anyone else feel this way? Thoughts?

Question

My mother was distant, but she always told me how worthy/talented, etc. I was, so I can't fathom it's my upbringing. I've just always felt there was a primordial, "mark of darkness" on me- on my soul. Here are some examples- what do you think?

For instance, as a 6 yr old child, I wondered why it was that I was allowed to stand & sing with "the good children" & why I wasn't burning a hole into the floor right then & there..

As an adult, I'm attending classes to learn about my boyfriend's religion, catholicism & he asked me if I have to take tests.. I said no, but that "when it comes time to baptize me- if the holy water doesn't cause me to melt into a puddle on the floor, I guess that means I've passed.." (he didn't find the humor there!).

And another time, after receiving my blessing at mass, I was back at my pew when the music ABRUPTLY stopped, it was all I could do to surpress my childish urge to holler out "We've got your pew- those left standing are all going to hell!"

I most typically a happy, very gentle person who silently blesses everyone I meet. I don't understand this "evilness" I feel while in a christian house of worship. While I still feel that I have a "mark" on me, I generally don't feel "evil" while OUTSIDE of church or while attending shul with my jewish friends, or while reading buddhist literature, etc. I do have an overwhelming sense that I am a good person who has been- or who is in the process of being- "rehabilitated" from some weird, awful past life.. and yes, I do believe in reincarnation. Hmm.

Can anyone sympathize? What do you think?

I disagree that my views conflict eachother. I don't believe in the Satan nonsense (Satan mixed up spelles Santa anyway, who doesn't exist either!). And I never said I believe in a christian god. There is a higher spritual force in Buddhism, too.

Sorry for the typos. I was typing too fast. I am only attending the classes and mass to see what my boyfriend believes in. I highly doubt that I will convert from my blissful nothingness into something I feel is hypocritical (even if it seems to be okay for other people- that's fine with me). I just wonder why I feel like I need to act out.

Answer 1

You have my sympathies and understanding.
According to orthodox Christian theology, humans are fundamentally flawed and wicked. If they weren't, there would be no need for Jesus, and in that case his entire life and crucifixion would be meaningless. Don't buy it. We absorb some of this type of information through osmosis, as it were, due to the fact that the culture is saturated with it.
Your fear of being 'marked' is irrational (all fear is irrational, which is not to say that sometimes fear protects us). Just look at it as an irrational phenomenon, which may be the result of an overly active superego. If you have trouble controlling your impulses while in church, maybe you should avoid going to church. You seem to be open to other religious traditions. Explore them and see what comes up.

Answer 2

I know the feeling.

I don't care what anyone says otherwise, all people are flawed in some way. Any thing made of water and dirt will have some issues.

The guilt you feel is painful and unnecessary. Yes, God puts some guilt in our hearts to let us know when we do wrong; some may say our conscious does this. If you believe in the work of Christ, ie. the redemptive power of his Resurrection, there is absolutely no condemnation in Christ... there are verses about this. Also if you feel you have slipped, here is a verse," God works all things for the good for all who believe."
God does not want to destroy anyone because God is love.

If you don't believe the redemptive work of Christ I understand that position too; I was there once too. We feel guilt but we don't know why. We fail in areas and blame God or the stars or luck or Karma.

I found my answer in Christ; His words, His life, and His spirit. People think God is about rules and regulations, this is far from the truth. He is freedom. Freedom is not having guilt or having to return to past problems. Freedom is moving on and looking forward.

I hope my answer inspires hope and not further doubt/guilt.

Answer 3

The primary purpose of religion is repression. If you attended lengthy lectures on idealized human behavior as a child you are bound to have taken on board the idea that we are all sinners (essentially evil) and that our only redemption is to subjugate our free will to the power and authority of the church and state.
Attending re-indoctrination lessons with a more fanatical section of the Christian faith (Catholicism) is hardly likely to help you become the untraumatised free spirited person w. a sense of humour that you seem to be saying that you would prefer to be.
I can't understand people converting from one medieval form of madness to another, convert to science and humanity.

Answer 4

I've used to feel a little guilty in church. Now, when I do very rarely get dragged there, I just feel embarrassed (for the people there and for the whole ceremony, not for myself). I think it's normal to feel things other than so-called good, pure, religious feelings.

It sounds like you believe in the whole God and Satan thing though, or else you wouldn't experience feelings like that - you feel more drawn in some ways to the evil side. It's strange that you believe both in the Christian God and in reincarnation - those are contradictory belief systems - as in, they cannot coexist. I'd advise rethinking your belief system, and taking your mischievious urges out of it. If you're going to be religious, at least be serious about it. It sounds like you're more into making a mockery of it.

Answer 5

Did you happen to see The Omen, Damien, Rosemary's Baby, or any of those when you were young? Or maybe just a televangelist. ;-) Did you go to church at all when you were young? My mother stated taking me when I was something like three weeks old; it doesn't seem a stretch at all to think that some of the damage I've had to undo came from things I heard there but was too young to put into a healthy context. Maybe one sentence stuck in your mind and developed a life of its own.

Sometimes I wonder if some of the otherwise inexplicable ideas, which can manifest in dreams, obsessions, phobias, feelings, etc., aren't related to movies or television that we witness when we're too young to understand, or half-heard conversations. Mine is having to pack hurriedly and flee, leaving everything else behind. Easy to say that's from the experience of a past life, but what if I just saw a bit of a documentary when I was three or something?

Answer 6

Sounds like an overwrought guilt trip that the Catholic church tries to inculcate into their flock to keep them toeing the line. Take a break from it for awhile. Explore other philosophical views; Humanism for example. Just because you were brought up a certain way doesn't mean that you are wed to it. Be your own person.

Answer 7

I feel you. But all humans are naturally evil. But what your feeling is anger towards hypocricy. People pretending their good people through fictional stories and faking worship to impress others. All humans are in an age where we know invisable gods have joined the ranks of santa clause and superman. Nerds worship captin kirk and dungens&dragons more fiercly then people worship their "god." Don't fall in to that bulls**t. Just live a good life and accept the fact that people "know not what they do."

Answer 8

Watch the movie "Chocolat" with Johnny Depp and "Antonia's Line". You might like "Fanny & Alexander" by Ingmar Bergman..
They all have themes about church and how people feel a little guilty there. From your sense of humor about being in church, Antonia's Line sounds like a great movie for you. Keep your light outlook about religion.

Answer 9

Sounds to me like you were scared out of your wits or instilled with guilt somewhere along the line in your religious upbringing.
Why don't you talk to a pastor or someone in the religious sphere,(not a priest), and they may be able to help you.

Sounds like you are feeling a great deal of guilt for no reason.

Answer 10

sounds like you have some issues stemming from your religion.

i dont get it though. (it doesnt help i'm agnostic, but still.) if you believe in god, then what are you afraid of? what makes you think you're evil if you havent committed evil acts?