Four weeks ago i came out
After twenty five years of living in fear of what she would say i finally told my mum that i am a transsexual and what that meant for me.
Now i think she just wants me to just go away
ever since i have told her she has not spoken about it
I have brought it up a few times but the conversation went limp very quickly
I am worried my mum and i will end up not talking or not careing
i was perpard when i told her for the worste
but i feel it has just taking longer to get the true feelings out
should i confont her and ask her want she really thinks
or just let it be
as it is still in the agustment time
or what should i do?
2006-09-28 00:56:59 · 8 answers · asked by Zara3 5 in Society & Culture ➔ Cultures & Groups ➔ Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual, and Transgender
I'm going to try to answer this as a mom. My daughters happened to have the advantage of a bisexual mother and a bisexual transvestite father. They were raised with exposure to extraordinary opportunities to get to know first hand the complexities of the human experience. They are extremely passionate about tolerance for all types of people and one of them is bisexual.
However, if one of them came to me and said "mom, I've been living a lie all my life, and I really feel I am a man", I would probably die inside.
Don't get me wrong, I would support her because that's what unconditional parental love means, and I would encourage her in any way I could.
But my little baby girl just died in front of me, and I would be devasted as if I lost her to death. Starting from scratch with a whole new gender would take time and effort. I personally would make the effort but I have the advantage of understanding. I am not ignorant of the consequences, good and bad, of her actions.
I'm betting your mother is not in that position. Its been a month, and you are saying to her, "mom, I'm not who you thought I was".
One thing people without children don't understand is that a parent always see's their child at about age 2. You wonder why some of those mom's of horrific murderers will cry "he's a good boy, I don't understand how he could do that?". Its because little Johnny that just picked off 20 of his fellow highschool mates, WAS a sweet good boy WHEN HE WAS 2. He's someone quite different now, but in mom's eyes, her baby is always 2.
Your mom is grieving and doesn't know what to do with the information you gave her. What exactly do you mean by transexual? When I hear that, I except you to want a surgical gender reassignment, and if that's what you are working towards then perhaps she is terrified out of ignorance of what exactly that means.
Your mom already knows there is something different about you, she's known all her life and since you are that old and she never brought it up, she's probably just hoped it would go away and here you just layed her fears at her feet.
Be patient. Be prepared with information to educate your mother. Tell her you love her and that you will always be her child and you need her support and love. She hasn't cut you off, she's just processing. She was patient with you when you were learning to feed yourself, walk, talk and not use diapers, this is your turn to do the same for her.
Good luck to you, you are on a journey that will have alot of ups and downs, make sure you surround yourself with people who are loving and supportive. Get involved with the transgendered community where you live, and make friends with people who have gone before you.
2006-09-28 01:23:46 · answer #1 · answered by tjnstlouismo 7 · 2⤊ 1⤋
There is a wonderful nation wide group called PFLAG (Parents and Friends of Lesbian And Gays.) I don't know where you live, but if you live in or near a major city in USA or Canada, you will find them listed in your yellow pages. You could also read about them in their website.(see below)
This group's main concern is exactly what you are facing, ie giving support and advice to parents of gay, lesbian, bisexual and transexual sons and daughters. Contact them to send you some information that you can give to your mother. I have actually attended some of their meetings as an observer in my home town and I can assure you and your Mom that they can help you both get through this.
Meanwhile, try to be understanding to your mother. This is always a shock to parents. I know because I came out to my parents at the age of 42 after a 21 year straight marriage. My parents were in their 70s and strictly from 'the old school'. But after a phone call to PFLAG, they eventually calmed down and actually completely accepted my partner as part of the family.
All the best to both of you.
2006-09-28 08:44:32 · answer #2 · answered by roqofages 3 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Well first thing, some people take long to adjust to news like that....but if it seems like she isn't ready to talk about it then maybe give it a little more time (not too long thou). What you do need to do is show her that it doesn't change who you really are. Age and up-bringing can have a lot to do with it too. Can make it harder for them to understand. I know my mother would probably understand my life better than other members of my family (as I am bi). You can't force her to except it, but you can try to help her understand.
Hope all works out for you...........take care
2006-09-28 08:10:51 · answer #3 · answered by froggy96quebec 1 · 1⤊ 0⤋
It all depends on one simple question: do you think she's trying? Parents have a huge "adjustment period" when they find out their kids are gay or lesbian. People in general know much less about trans issues, so I'd imagine that would make things that much more difficult. The truth is, it doesn't REALLY matter what her specific opinions are right now. What matters is that she's trying to find out more, and still trying to love you. If she's not trying, you don't need her in your life.
2006-09-29 01:06:10 · answer #4 · answered by Atropis 5 · 1⤊ 0⤋
I think you must give Mom more time, this is still news to her. Give her some more time to start with...very brave of you coming out no matter what the future consequence will be.
I know people who told their mothers on mothers death beds and that's not to recommend. And don't forget that must parents love their kids no matter who they are or what they do.
I wish U both the best.
2006-09-28 08:20:53 · answer #5 · answered by neshama 5 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Leave her alone about it for awhile-like a few months or more.
She is most likely trying to come to terms with it- You wants her to accept in 5 minutes what it took you 25 years to do?
She loves you so don't worry about that just give the poor gal some space and time. She may never accept that part of you but she will always love you. AND DON'T THROW IT IN HER FACE EITHER!!!
2006-09-28 08:04:58 · answer #6 · answered by dragon 5 · 2⤊ 0⤋
Personally i think you need to do what you feel is the best thing for yourself and your relation with your mum but one thing im sure of is that im sure your mum wouldnt disown you or even fall out with you she is just probably in a bit of shock but will eventually come round and when that does happen you could both possibly sit down together and you can explain things better to her so she understands you a bit better. GOOD LUCK WITH IT ALL HOPE IT DOESNT LAST MUCH LONGER AND YOUR MUM SPEAKS TO YOU SOON.
2006-09-28 08:07:40 · answer #7 · answered by annie 1 · 1⤊ 1⤋
This is a big surprise for her and it will take some time for her to get used to it. Give her some space. Would it be possible for you to leave home for a while.
2006-09-28 08:05:30 · answer #8 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 1⤋