How would you deal with a daughter in law who doesn`t like you?

Question

MY son say`s she is jealous of me when we visit she ignores us and has even turned our 10 year old grandaaughter against us ,we called round last night beacause our son say`s he knows it`s hard but can we still call,she and our grandaughter who usually rushes up and hugs us ,completely ignored us ,this is breaking my husbands heart ,I have tried to talk to her but to no avail,her mother has even come in on the act now and making it worse ,I have 2 other daughter in laws ,we all get on in lovely,I have had one heart attack and I don`t want another ,,please advice ,

Answer 1

Have you ever tried to ask from where the difference started, what is the bone of contention? Who started it. There are many questions, which has to be asked, you can contact me on [e-mail]. I'll help you and seek your advice to solve this problem.
I thought this kind of problems are only in Pakistan, where Saas ( mother in law and Bahoo ( daughter in law) are against each other. So I should not worry this is a natural Phenomena.

Answer 2

My goodness how horrible for you both! Can you pinpoint an exact incident or time that this started or has it always been like this..and what does your son mean that she is jealous of you?? Is she jealous of your relationship with him? or your lifestyle, or is it the relationship you have with your other daughter in laws..I don't get why she would be jealous of you..Does he know what the cause is...I must say I feel sorry for him being stuck in the middle but can't he help resolve this? To bring the child in to the feud is totally unfair on the child, I feel the most sorry the your grand daughter because her mother is manipulating her in a very negative way. Have you tried asking your son to come to your house instead? that way if the daughter in law wants nothing to do with you, then at least you can still have contact with your son in a more relaxed atmosphere. I can't understand why your daughter in law is behaving like this....I had major problems with my in laws but there were specific reasons for this and in the end my husband and my daughter used to go to their house instead...now? None of us speak, its sad but there was no alternative. I feel that your son is the key here, it is him who needs to sort this out and try and get to the bottom of the cause of the animosity. With reason will come healing....please stay strong and make sure you take care of yourself....sometimes in life,people are just like that and no matter what we do we cannot change them...if you can look into your heart and honestly say that you cannot see what you have done wrong then you need your sons help to resolve this matter.

Answer 3

I have an advise from personnal life - it might be tough for you to read and do but trust me it pays up and if you don't want to have your heart broken (and you probably don't deserve it), following this might be the solution.

IGNORE THEM. For a while. Do not call, nor whine, nor talk about this situation with anyone else than your husband (try also not to sadden him further more with your saddeness and concern - he sure feels already so concerned about your feelings and the way you take things). Not even friends or relatives you would like to receive help or attention on the matter from. Just pretend you don't give ratty's *** about it. It will struck them as lightning! Stop (still for a while) the little attentions you normally had for them, baking cakes, and ahaving everything well planned and organised when they're due to visit, delay the 'please call back', the 'I bought you your favorite cake/drink/beauty product/....and so on,... act as if you are always busy, smiling, enjoying life, running around, with hubby, friends, have a lot of important activities that require a lot of your time and energy and that you can not waste on mean people who do not deserve you and your love and attention.
Stop all the little attentions and focus on the others and they will come running back especially your grandaughter who will soon realise that you're giving all your kindness to your other daughters in law! But one thing to keep in mind: BE KIND! Unreprochable! be sweet as a grandma should be but detached, be polite and tough as an adult should be in front of another adult but unconcerned and show your love and attention to others without forcing too much (otherwise it will show).

Next step is too make your point understood when your grandaughter comes back to you: you will have to show defiance to have her understand that once you cheat on someone, trust is hard to buy back...

Now cheer up and remember: you can choose your friends, not your family. You have to live with them but you have to remain yourself and not let them get to you (too much)

Answer 4

Your daughter-in-law is very insecure and acting childish which you have no control. The most important person is your grandchild,she needs you and her grandfather to show her love ,being polite, and human kindness. Maybe you can take her for a nite over the weekend or even a few hours to spend time with her in a calm atmosphere at your house.
Some people are just rude and remember, you have no control over that, your granddaughter is the # one .
Also your health ,try not to get upset ,try to keep calm,maybe she is the type of person that like discord and enjoys getting people upset,don't feed into that. Maybe her behavior will stop when she thinks you are no longer getting upset.
Good luck and I hope for you things change

Answer 5

She sounds like a grade A *****.
Have you ever done anything to turn her against you? you sound like a loving and caring grandmother and like you go out of your way to be there for your family.
You've tried talking to her and that failed - then I think you need to involve your son - at the end of the day you're still his mother and she has to bear in mind that the way shes treating you has an effect on him as well.
With regards to your grand daughter - your son has to put a stop to this carry on - his wife is obviously poisoning her against you and he cannot allow this.
I know its not fair to get him involved in all this - but I think its your only option.
He needs to be a man and step up to the plate and sort out these problems. Alternatively does your daughter in law get on with your other daughter in laws? If so maybe they could try and find out what her problem is.
Family disputes like this are awful for everyone concerned and the tension it causes is terrible.
I really hope you can get to the bottom of this and I wish you all the luck in the world xx

Answer 6

Maybe she just wants her family to be her family. Some people are weird like that. My mum didnt speak to my gran for 10 years because of something she did. I dont speak to 2 of my aunties because they put my gran in a home and sold her house and tried to take all her money away from her.

On my dads side of the family everyone is loving and nice, I dont understand how two familys can be so different.

I do have a cousin on my dads side called debbie and she has always been anti social even as a child.

I suggest asking your son if you can take your grandchild out shopping or for lunch etc.

Is it a class thing as I find that my mums family compare themselves against each other and are stuck up.

Go luck, if I had a grandchild I would hate not to be able to see him/her.

Answer 7

It's not worth the stress on your half, you won't change her feelings, but I really think you son should take a bit more of a responsability and realise what you are going through. I also find it awful that he is allowing his wife to turn his child against you and your husband without doing something, is he afraid of her??
He should bring your grandaughter to your house or make sure that she is out when you visit their house and maybe stand up to his wife.

Answer 8

if the daughter in law wants to play silly games let her ,why not get your son to bring his daughter to your house on a regular basis and maybe even let her stay over the mother shouldn't be doing this to the daughter.
Maybe ask the son what is it that you are doing wrong in her eyes (daughter in law) it can't be jealousy he probably is trying to make it sound better.
try next time you call bringing her some flowers or wine and ring ahead to tell everyone you are coming over .
Can you have a family dinner with everyone there and the rest of the family can see the way the d In law is behaving or maybe she will come around .
There could be loads of factors maybe you call and go on about the other d in laws and maybe because you get on with them don't realise you say this stuff.
maybe even make up a dilema and ring to speak to her about it and make her feel important in your life .

Its very hard to know what to advise i've no idea why the woman is doing this but the grand daughter shouldn't be getting on like this .

Answer 9

There are two sides to every story. I am going through a divorce after 16 years of tolerating the nasty abuse of my in-laws. To hear them tell it, they are perfect. You must accept the fact that your son has grown up, made a choice and his first loyalty is now to his wife and child. If you continue to meddle, and they divorce you will see your granchild even less. Sorry, but this is the reality of your situation. Lay off the guilting and examine your own behavior and see what you can do to make a positive change in the situation. Remember, you can't control other people, only your own behavior. Good luck!

Answer 10

That's terrible, because you sound like really good parents-grandparents. It definitely doesn't sound like your to blame. It also sounds like you have made every effort to make the peace between ya's. I know there is a thing out there called Grandparents rights. If ya have the $$$$ to take her to court, but that may cause heartache between you and your son. Maybe you can talk with the son to see if you can have your grandaughter on alone time, without her there to interfere. To me if she loved your son, she would consider his feelings, and she would try to make some peace herself. I would love to have grandparents for my children. I take care of a man with MS, and he is the closest thing my children have to a grandpa. My husband parents have both passed away, my real father has never come around, and he lives right here in my own home town, and my mom remarried 22 years ago, and had to children with her husband, and has nothing to do with me and my other sister. So we really have no parents, and my children never got to experience grandparents. I just tell them, that their children will have the grandparents that they never got to have. I wish you the best of luck, and I hope things work out to your advantage!