When are parents going to learn; that preaching abstinence isn't working?

Question

Has anyone noticed all the pregnant teen girls? On here, and out there? We need to teach safe sex; not abstinence!! Teens will have sex; we can't stop nature!! Who agrees that preaching abstinence is unrealistic? I have three teen boys, FYI!!

Answer 1

My husband and I argue about this all the time. He was raised in a family that considered sex before marriage equal to murder (atleast thats what it seems like) so he thinks we shouldn't teach our sons about safe sex every thing else, he says "No, we teach them that they don't have sex before marriage period, no need to tell them what to do if they are going to have sex, they wont because we taught them that." I am like "Thats what your parents taught you but you sure as heck had sex before marriage. We got married 10 days before I gave birth to our son, so you were definitely having sex before marriage!"

The way I feel is, yes of course I dont want my kids having sex and getting diseases or having a kid when they are young, and I will tell them that they shouldn't be doing it, however I want them to be educated and know what can happen if they have unprotected sex, how to protect themselves, and more than anything I want them to know that they can come to me and tell me any thing that they have done and I wont yell or judge but listen and help. The last thing I want is my child in a bad situation and too scared to come to me.

The way I see it is, teach and raise your children not to do drugs, drink, have sex, etc. But also educate them and let them know they can always talk to you. The last thing you want is a phone call from the police telling you your child was killed while driving home from a party, drunk, because they were too scared at how mad you would be and how dissapointed you would be in them, so they just drove themself home.

Answer 2

In case you didn't know, there is no such thing as safe sex. There is safer sex, but none absolutely safe and secure from unwanted consequences- mental or physical. Perhaps what we should do is determine that we are raising humans, and not animals. Animals do as they do because instinct drives them, and they have no control over it. Humans on the other hand, can be expected to exercise self control, and to weigh up the consequences of their decisions. When you start preaching safe sex, adolescents tend to think it means they can forget worrying about everything else. While a condom may protect them, condoms break. The pill fails to work- either because you forgot to take it, or it just doesn't. Meantime, though you are safe from pregnancy, you certainly aren't safe from all the other sexually transmitted diseases- are you? And neither was your partner. Do you honestly think the teenagers are going to use both pills and condoms, every time? Perhaps if all of it fails, the idea of an abortion is acceptable to you- but what about the pieces left to be picked up afterwards? How many abortions before you think it's enough?
Perhaps we'd have better luck if we simply started treating them like we expected them to behave like humans instead of animals. Instead of just handing over the safe sex line, perhaps we ought to educate them in the consequences and possible side effects, mental and physical, of each choice. It's not enough just to hand out condoms and pills, and say go to it, kids- after all, it's just nature. I bet that's not how you felt about potty training- and going in their pants was natural at the time. I say give the kids credit for being more than the sum total of their hormones, for actually having some brains and some ability to control themselves, as well as being able to make informed decisions if given the whole story. Some may not listen, but I bet more would than wouldn't. And by the way- I have 3 boys and 3 girls- and it's been the same lesson for them all. And so far it's worked just fine, and I am not a grandparent- the oldest is now 24 and single, but not a single parent.

Answer 3

I think we should teach the reality of what happens when you have sex. In addition to unwanted pregnancy and STDs, there are financial implications, social consequences, emotional problems. We can't make people's choices for them, but we can show them all the facts and they'll see that abstinence is the only 100% safe plan. Check out more related information at www.ampartnership.org.

Answer 4

Honestly what needs to happen is that both boys and girls should be taught to value sex. It's obviously not valued much by many people anymore.

As a 20 year old, I was a virgin until I was 19 -- not because I didn't have the chance... oh believe me... I just seriously didn't feel like the girls I was with were friggin worthy of my first seed... The funny thing is I didn't even look at it as being snobby - I just litterally didn't feel it was right.

So I don't know how long you want your kids to abstain or stay protected -- but I was taught both... and neither of them did much... Basically the thing that kept me for so long was my high standards... hah!

Answer 5

I guess it depends on your community, your family, your circle of friends. In ours, it is working well, and I think generally it is, as well. I think you would feel totally different if you had three teen daughters! I kind of feel sorry for your boys that you will not be teaching them the value and specialness of sex that should be reserved for the sanctity of marriage. I think the best way parents can do this is to be role models for them, and to teach the values in the home. I totally disagree with your statement that teens will have sex and that nature can't be stopped. I feel sad that you continue this myth, and sorrier if that is how you speak to your sons about sexuality and women. Our job as moms and dads is to inform our children, but to also teach them that the marketing out in the world and the magazines and videos and music isn't reality. We need to teach them respect for both girls and boys, and that "sex" involves more than the physical act - that is why we are beyond animals. I wish you luck with your future grandchildren!

Answer 6

I don't believe it's unrealistic. I think it should be taught as the only truly safe way to avoid pregnancy and disease.

With that said, I do believe that while we should be recommending abstinence as your #1 choice, we should be educating our children on safe sex. The problem is, teens are teens and no matter what parents say, they'll always know better than we do.

Answer 7

I can only answer for myself. My parents did teach me abstinence along with the teaching that premarital sex is wrong. But-they took it a step further. They were monogamous with one another and taught me by example what a healthy relationship was like. They were by no means perfect, but they did the best they could. It is difficult to tell kids to act one way, when many parents themselves aren't displaying that behavior, and society as a whole portrays sex as the end all be all of life. Look at our music, our magazines, our advertising-it all points to one thing. Buy this product and you will be sexy by the standards of the opposite sex. Then there are reality shows like Flavor of Love 2, Temptation Island, Wild On, Dance Your Pants Off, the message is everywhere. But it must not only be preached, but also PRACTICED.

Answer 8

yes, teaching safe sex does seem more realistic but use that after you discover teens having sex, otherwise it'll seem like you're giving them the okay to do it. you should still teach abstinence just don't tell them "don't have sex" because everyone knows that if you tell a teenager not to do something they'll end up doing it to spite you. instead say something like "having sex doesn't make your relationship stronger" and use examples. or you could just say, "at least wait until you're out of high school because things like that can can more emotional damage"... something! anything! flat out telling them no doesn't work....you should even try to bring religion into it!!!

Answer 9

well we should let them know that sex is for married people and that god loves us and wants us to stay pure for our spouse but at the same time be as open as you can with out saying its OK that way they will come talk with you before they decide to take that step.and if they are just determined to do so then we help them with protection.and with boys you should teach them to respect a lady and try to make them see how important it is to never pressure them because the reason most girls have sex is because of the boyfriend. think of when you were a young girl and get all this moder day crap out that's why we have all these problems in the first place to many people are saying times change and let them be kids they are going to do it. no they want if you are open honest and bring them up in church you will have the uper hand not the kids

Answer 10

You have confused "acceptance" with "approval."

I may have to "accept" that some teenagers are going to have premarital sex. That does not mean I have to "approve" of it happening, especially with my own children.

If you raise your children with a firm foundation of understanding the reasons to wait (Faith, for one, if you have one, STDs ought to scare the hell out of anyone thinking of unprotected sex right now, unwanted pregnancy), and also with the information to protect themselves if they choose not to.

You also have to shield them from the abusive and degrading musical industry that mascarades as "entertainment" these days as much as you can.

And stop whining about "it's unrealistic." Parenting is, and always has been, a 24 hour a day, 7 day a week job. If you can't devote more than 4 hours a night and weekends to it, maybe you need to be in a different line of work.

I have 2 teenage daughters, and a wife who was a full time mom, not a "carreer woman" first and a mother in the evenings and weekends. Was it hard? Yes. We live in a small house and drive 10 year old cars. But our kids turned out great, and they have enough self-esteem not to have to chase after some guy to believe they are worth something.

And raising daughters is harder than raising sons anyway. You only have to worry about your sons - I have to worry about my daughters AND your sons!