i wanna laugh!!!!!!!?

Question

i wanna laugh anyone can give me reall really funny jokes????

Answer 1

heres is a ten point selection from my arsenal .......

A guy decides he is going to throw a party, not just any party he wants to have an emotions party, so he tells everyone to come Friday night dressed as there favorite emotion. Friday night comes he gets a knock at the door, it is a girl dressed head to toe in pink feathers, he says ''oh you're tickled pink come on in'' .. a little bit later another knock at the door, it is a guy dressed in a green suit with his face painted green , the guy says ''Hi I'am green with envy'' and walks in ..... several guests arive dressed as different emotions, after quite some time he hears a knock at the door , he opens the door to see two enormous black men buck naked except one has a pear jammed on his penis the other has an eclair jammed on his penis.. The shocked host says ""can I help you'' one of the men answers ""this heres the emotions party right ?"' the host says ""umm well yea, but what are you?"" The guy answers saying '' well I'Am deep in Dis-pear and he is fu*ckin dis-custad'' .......

Answer 2

One day a farmer's donkey fell down into a well. The animal cried piteously for hours as the farmer tried to figure out what to do. Finally, he decided the animal was old, and the well needed to be covered up anyway. It just wasn't worth it to retrieve the donkey.

He invited all his neighbors to come over and help him. They all grabbed a shovel and began to shovel dirt into the well. At first, the donkey realized what was happening and cried horribly.Then, to everyone's amazement he quieted down.

A few shovel loads later, the farmer finally looked down the well. He was astonished at what he saw. With each shovel of dirt that hit his back, the donkey was doing something amazing. He would shake it off and take a step up. As the farmer's neighbors continued to shovel dirt on top of the animal, he would shake it off and take a step up. Pretty soon, everyone was amazed as the donkey stepped up over the edge of the well and happily trotted off!

Life is going to shovel dirt on you, all kinds of dirt.
The trick to getting out of the well is to shake the dirt off and take a step
up. Each of our troubles is a stepping stone. We can get out of the deepwells just by not stopping, never giving up! Shake it off and take a step up.

Remember the five simple rules to being happy:

1. Free your heart from hatred - Forgive.
2. Free your mind from worries - Most never happen.
3. Live simply and appreciate what you have.
4. Give more.
5. Expect less

NOW --------

Enough of that crap . . .

The donkey later came back, and bit the sh*t out of the farmer who had tried to bury him. The gash from the bite got infected, and the farmer eventually died in agony from septic shock.

MORAL FROM TODAY'S LESSON:
When you do something wrong, and try to cover your ***, it always comes back to
bite you.

Answer 3

Heres some good ones I got emailed today

An attractive blonde from Dublin arrived at the
casino and bet twenty-thousand dollars ($20,000) on a single roll of the dice.
She said, "I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I'm completely nude".
With that, she stripped off, rolled the dice and yelled, "Come on, baby, Mama needs new clothes!"
As the dice came to a stop, she jumped up and down and squealed..."YES!
YES! I WON, I WON!"
She hugged each of the dealers and then picked up her winnings and her clothes and quickly departed.
The dealers stared at each other dumbfounded.
Finally, one of them asked, "What did she roll?"
The other answered, "I don't know - I thought you were watching."

MORAL OF THE STORY -
Not all Irish are stupid and not all blondes are dumb, but all men are men.


A WOMAN'S POEM

He didn't like the casserole
And he didn't like my cake.
He said my biscuits were too hard...
Not like his mother used to make.

I didn't perk the coffee right
He didn't like the stew,
I didn't mend his socks
The way his mother used to do.

I pondered for an answer
I was looking for a clue.
Then I turned around and
smacked the **** out of him...
Like his MOMMA used to do.


And this is REAL 911 CALLS transcripts

Dispatcher : 9-1-1 What is your emergency?
Caller: I heard what sounded like gunshots coming from the brown house on the corner.
Dispatcher: Do you have an address?
Caller: No, I have on a blouse and slacks, why?

Dispatcher : 9-1-1 What is your emergency?
Caller : Someone broke into my house and took a bite out of my ham and cheese sandwich .
Dispatcher : Excuse me?
Caller : I made a ham and cheese sandwich and left it on the
kitchen table and when I came back from the bathroom, someone had taken a bite out of it.
Dispatcher : Was anything else taken?
Caller : No, but this has happened to me before and I'm sick and tired of it!
Dispatcher: 9-1-1 What is the nature of your emergency?
Caller: I'm trying to reach nine eleven but my phone doesn't have
an eleven on it.
Dispatcher: This is nine eleven .
Caller: I thought you just said it was nine-one-one
Dispatcher: Yes, ma'am nine-one-one and nine-eleven are the same
thing.
Caller: Honey, I may be old, but I'm not stupid.

Dispatcher: 9-1-1 What's the nature of your emergency?
Caller: My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two
minutes apart
Dispatcher: Is this her first child?
Caller: No, you idiot! This is her husband!

Dispatcher: 9-1-1
Caller: Yeah, I'm having trouble breathing. I'm all out of breath.
Darn....I think I'm going to pass out.
Dispatcher: Sir, where are you calling from?
Caller: I'm at a pay phone. North and Foster.
Dispatcher: Sir, an ambulance is on the way. Are you an asthmatic?
Caller: No
Dispatcher: What were you doing before you started having trouble breathing?
Caller: Running from the Police.

Answer 4

ok...
theres two girls. one is in arizona waiting on her friend to get there. after here flight she drives to the city to meet her friend, but her car breaks down and she is stranded. she waits until a local indian rides past on a horse. she kindly asks him for a ride and he takes her to the next city. she sits behind him, holds onto the horn of the saddle, and waits patiently.there is only one problem. Every five to ten minutes the indian wildly shout a crazy "YE-hawww!" the women ignores it. they get to the city and she leaves him and says bye. she later meets up with her friend and they discussed what had happened. She told her friend everything including the indians uncalled for outbursts. "All I did was be quiet, sit behind him and hold onto the horn of the saddle." said the woman. her friend replied,"honey, indians ride bareback."

Answer 5

ill give you a dumb blonde joke:

a blonde walks into a hardware store and saw a t.v. that she likes.She asks the cashier if she could buy it and the cashier said "sorry i don't sell to Blondes" The Blonde went home and dyed her hair brown. She went back to the store and asked the cashier, once again, to buy the t.v. The cashier then says " sorry i don't sell to blondes" The Bonde went home and dyed her hair red then black then blue, but every time she went back to the hardware store the cashier always said "sorry i don't sell to blondes. So one day the Blonde came up to the cashier and asked him how he know that it was always her. Then he said:


Because that's not a t.v. it's a microwave. XD

Answer 6

well if you have a p2p program I'd highly suggest searching for these audios:

- "Bob and Tom 911 call man vs deer" !
- "Bob and Tom gay trucker clock" !!
- "Bob and Tom Mark Maron Teenage Girls" !!!