My husband and I just got married last month. He wants me change my last name to his last name only and not my name hyphen his name. Before we got married he did say that he would want my last name to be changed. However, I also told him that I wanted my correct last name and hyphenated his last name. He even gave me an ultimatum on our marriage concerning this. What should I do?
2006-09-27 11:51:42 · 34 answers · asked by shortyred7998 1 in Family & Relationships ➔ Weddings
take his last name. it is tradition. What is it you are fighting for?? Losing your identity? You are now Mrs.____. Enjoy it !
2006-09-27 11:54:06 · answer #1 · answered by shasta 5 · 3⤊ 6⤋
Well, I guess the ultimatum didn't work since he married you anyway! I'm married - and we talked about this well before we got married. I could have gone either way - not for any feminist agenda, but was proud of my family name. My guy's stipulation that there be one name, no hyphenating, and he offered to take my last name if I didn't want to take his.(how cool was that?) What you have to take into account is future children. Now, as an aside, I am a teacher, and it is just crazy these days with all the hyphenated kids, and parents who have different names from the kids.... it can really be nuts! So in the end, I decided to take his last name - and the ultimate reason was that I loved him and wanted that traditional "belonging". So what should you do? Think long and hard before making a decision. Ask him why it is important to him for you to have his name - you can probably guess why - he wants you to be his, and that's a wonderful thing!
2006-09-27 15:27:11 · answer #2 · answered by Lydia 7 · 2⤊ 0⤋
This is one of those situations that is only going to work out between the two of you. I've seen couples who dated and promised to never have children. Then after they married one says they really do want children and are shocked to find that their partner was not kidding and would now like a divorce. It won't make sense to any of us and some of our wants and absolute needs will not make sense to others either.
The name change for your husband is a serious issue to him. It doesn't matter if anyone agrees with you or him. Our opinions do not matter whatsoever. What matters is that he has threatened your marriage over this subject. Is your need for hyphenated last name stronger than his need for his name only? Are you willing to give up your marriage for it?
If you feel very strongly that your last name should be included and that you would not be yourself without it. That you would be less somehow and cannot live that way then you have your answer. If you feel that you could compromise and take his name and not feel deprived or less and can live happily with this marriage going forward then there is your answer.
Counseling would be helpful if you are overwhelmed and simply cannot decide. If you do not address this issue it will come back in other ways until you both agree on whatever answer is the best. Good Luck!
2006-09-27 13:40:06 · answer #3 · answered by r_k_winters 2 · 1⤊ 0⤋
I took my husband's name because we're a family now and I wanted us to have the same name. Hyphenations are a pain anyway. My boss hyphenated and it hurt her husband's feelings--plus, it made her name very lengthy, and half the people don't know what name she's going by. It's caused a little identity crisis!
Personally, I'd just go with his last name, but it's your choice and you may be more of a feminist than I am. Just take a look at why you want your last name in there. Is it really that important? There's a lot of give and take in marriage. If it's going to break your heart to give up your name, it's worth the battle. If you're just sticking to it because it's what you told him you wanted before you married, consider giving up. Both of you would be foolish to let a little thing like name change destroy your marriage; someone needs to be the bigger person.
Also, if you have daughters and they get married, do you think they'll have a hyphenated-hyphenated name so your name will be included? Your name is eventually going to get lost in the shuffle.
2006-09-27 14:32:42 · answer #4 · answered by Jenny Alice 4 · 1⤊ 1⤋
Last names are especially important to your children since their friends will have parents whose last name are the same and whose last name are different. The different last name always raises the question of illegitimacy and that is very difficult for an five, eight, ten, year old, etc. to deal with especially if they're being made the butt of jokes. So, make it easy on your future family and use your maiden name as your middle name and take his last name. You can also do this even if you have an extensive practice or reputation using your maiden last name. People will realize that you are married and using your husbands name without affect on your professional career.
By the way, if you promised him to change your name, this is not the time to start breaking promises. You should have told him your feelings before you got married. Ultimatums are not good at any stage of a marriage.
2006-09-27 13:57:39 · answer #5 · answered by Anonymous · 2⤊ 1⤋
This wasn't cleared up before you got married and now you have gone into the marriage with this issue. That's usually not a good way to start out. Does he give a reason why he wants you to take his last name only? Have you given him a valid reason why you want to keep your last name hypenated with his? If it is for professional reasons I can understand it. It could be he is insecure about your relationship or..it could be a control thing. Whatever the case is, you two need to sit down lovingly and discuss why it is so important to him that you lose your last name.
I will tell you one thing my nephew's wife did by choice. She loved her maiden name, and didn't like her middle name so she changed her middle name to her middle name when she got married and no hyphen was needed. Think about that!
2006-09-27 13:00:25 · answer #6 · answered by faith4ricknlisa 2 · 0⤊ 1⤋
I think that you should do what ever your heart desires. It is not him that has to change his name on all of his credit reports, Social Security, state ID or drivers license and the like. People make me sick with that. If you don't want to take his last name as yours fully, you don't have to. It does not make you any less or any more married.
I think that one of the biggest problems with marriage today is that people think that they have to change to be a "wife" or a
husband" it is not a new personality that you take on. I am recently married myself and a lot of people have made a big deal over the fact that I use both names, and personally, I would rather keep the one that I had. The compromise that I made was to use the two. But they do not have to sign my name, they only have to say it. So they can choose what they say and I can choose what I write. If he leaves you over your name, he was never with you to begin with. Find a real man.
2006-09-27 12:01:27 · answer #7 · answered by Shanigirl 4 · 4⤊ 0⤋
Its a good question, but I think you should just take his last name. You married him, it's part of the territory.
I understand you are probably very proud of your maiden name and the family it stands for, I am too...but you do have to let it go since you got married. You are starting a new family now. It sounds like you are trying to be married with single perks.
Drop your middle name and use your maiden name there... I am gonna be Ashlie Sa**** Mc**** I still will have my family name, but I am fully acknologing that I am married to him, and am part of his family now. If you are viewing your name as the correct name, then what is his? I understand him having issues with it.
I will tell you that if marriage is so disposable to you that you are willing to throw your it away over a name change, then you shouldn't have walked down that aisle in the first place. remember that when you are considering this. Unless you are famous and have made millions off that name, their is no reason to hyphenate.
2006-09-27 15:14:06 · answer #8 · answered by ASH 6 · 2⤊ 2⤋
You really should have talked this all out specifically before the wedding.
He's willing to leave the marraige over this? That's crazy.
Another option is to put your original last name to be your middle name, and take his last name.
Or, you BOTH can take the hyphenated last name.
The two of you need to talk this out and make a compromise.
2006-09-27 12:09:02 · answer #9 · answered by Etiquette Gal 5 · 2⤊ 0⤋
Well I'm getting married next year and me and my soon to be husband discussed that I would just attach his last name to mine. Do to how I grew up, I just don't want to give up my last name. So he has no problem with me keeping it. Now if your husband is giving you an ultimatum, then just think of all the good things that made you say "I Do" to him. Go on and take on his last name.
2006-09-27 15:36:44 · answer #10 · answered by mzteajae 2 · 0⤊ 1⤋
What on earth?!?!? Honey, how did you end up with a guy who gives you ultimatums over ANYTHING that isn't life-or-death-serious? Is he a control freak? It's YOUR name. Go with what you think suits YOU. If he's not supportive or at the very least accepting and non-interfering or pressurizing about that, you've got MUCH bigger problems to look out for. I wish you luck.
P.S. If he believes SO strongly that you should have identical last names, let him take yours. Several of my guy friends have taken their wives' names!
Or, keep your maiden name as an extra middle name, and add his as your last name. My sister in law did that. My friend Tim's kids have his last name as their middle name, and their mom's as their last name, too.
2006-09-27 11:57:04 · answer #11 · answered by ladyfraser04 4 · 5⤊ 0⤋