Oh my.........help!?

Question

My 13 year old step-daughter came home from school today and prompty whent out to a friends. An hour and a half later she was brought home by a police officer...she was so drunk that she couldn't hold herself up let alone walk. Of course throwing up everywhere too. The officer was amazing and helped me with her. I called her Mother and she came to get her right away...we are dealing with where the alcohol came from.
My problem is that my husbands kids do bad things like this all the time and have done worse and they get away with it. I am afraid that he will get home, converse with the mother and decide to let her off again...
I feel like I should step in here (probably to no avail) and try to enforce some kind of punishment for this behavior....I am so frusterated!!!!!
I care about these kids and want to see them grow up to be good responsible people...help?

Answer 1

I have been in your 13 yr old position. EXACT. Drunk at 13 means desperation. She's obviously doing it to get attention and escape from reality. If you really care about her you wont push for some kind of punishment, you'll sit her down and talk to her as a friend. If you're husbands kids are always doing "bad" things like that all the time the 3 of you need to get together and find out why those kids inparticular are feeling the need to get drunk at 13.

Answer 2

I was in the same situation, but I was the 13-year-old daughter. This is a very stressful situation and I totally feel for you. It's hard to say what the appropriate action would be. You are the step-mother. She probably does not give a sh** what you think. I don't think trying to punish her would do you any good. I know that I acted out like that because my father did not spend enough time with me. Is her father an active positive influence in her life? Whatever you guys decide to do for her you must stand united. All parents have got to get on the same page. Teenagers are brilliant when it comes to playing parents off of each other. They will do anything to get what they want. At 13 most kids have access to any substance their little hearts desire. She is self-medicating to kill the pain. She will look to her so-called friends for comfort, because chances are they are going through the same thing at their house. I would suggest talking to a counselor together as a family, because I guarantee this is not just her problem, it is a family problem.

Answer 3

Now there is an interesting problem. Step-mother to much or too little...
If it were me I would make an effort to talk to your husband face to face and be sure he understands what a 13 year old girl can be subjected to in a intoxicated state of mind.
The big question would be where the alcohol came from. If there were boys that supplied it who were older your step-daughter could have been in real trouble.
Also at that age, at least for me, alcohol was a stepping stone for other problems, and that can escalate to a complete out of control situation.
I would suggest that you are calm when you talk to your husband and without going to far towards a conversation that could end up in a "and then she was with a group of people that stole a car and ran over a old woman". If you tell him a worst case situation he may retract and think there is no way it would get that far. BUT if you talk about how being drunk impairs judgment and could lead to drugs or sex (ouch!) things could change forever for his daughter and she would be unable to live a full life. It is much harder to get a diploma if you cannot find a sitter.
Just my take on it though.

Answer 4

What I'm getting from this is that this child is trying to find out just how much her parents love her. Children know, even though they don't like it, that parents who love them will discipline them when they do wrong as well as guide them to do the right things. It also sounds like neither of her parents want to be the "bad" parents which is very sad because they are putting their own feeling above their children's needs. You, as a step mom, are in a difficult and interesting position. Difficult because a lot of people feel that stepparents don't have any rights regarding their stepchildren. Interesting because a stepparent can be a parent but also a friend. This child needs to know that she is loved. Have you tried talking to her, I mean SERIOUSLY talking to her about the divorce and her feelings about it and her position in the family? If not, then you should try. Next thing you should try is to kick your husband's butt and tell him to start acting like a father and start discipline his children. I know some of what you're feeling because I, too, am a step mom. Someone needs to shake up the family and make them see what's important. Good luck to all you and I truly hope that things work out!

Answer 5

Sheesh -- take a deep breath.

All kids experiment, even Amish kids. My son did it at 15.

Talking it out as calmly as possible, being frank about your own mistakes and how you learned from them, being clear about what your boundaries are in your home ... all good things.

If she sees a lot of drinking in her own or friends homes, it's kind of hypocritical to say one thing and do another. You've got to lead by example.

Yes, there have to be consequences for her actions. A couple weeks without phone or going-out privileges seems reasonable. Involve her in deciding what her consequences should be.

You and your husband should be united on what is acceptable for your family -- and your stepdaughter is part of your family, and then you have to have the backbone to calmly stick to your guns.

Cops can be pretty cool about these things; ask the school counselor for a referral if necessary. If the situation gets worse, there's always alanon or alateen.

You too have to decide what you are willing to live with and what is completely unacceptable as a part of your life. You may not know exactly what you DO want at every stage, but if you can be really clear about what you do NOT want, then you're halfway to establishing some boundaries.

Good luck.

Answer 6

I'm a 22 year-old woman, and i havent had the experience of having kids..but i can feel your preoccupation and pain about this situation. I honestly think that comunication is the best way to handle problems. I think you should talk to your daughter , spend time with her, not just the time when she goes to bed at night, or when she comes from school, i really mean TIME.. Go out with her to have dinner, or get together and enjoy a pretty day, and talk to her...let her know how much you love her, how much you care about her and how sad you feel about this situation...Tell her the things that she should be doing as a teenager, ask her how's school doing, ask her about her friends, ask her is there is any guy in school attracted to her, or if she like someone....make her feel confortable while she's talking to you, while you show her how much you care for her , rising up her self steem by telling her how pretty she is and how much she can acomplish through life by studying and loving her family.

Make her see that you're the only true friend that she could ever have, show her trust, respect...and dont forget to ask her why does she like to drink, ask her how does she feel when she through up and get the side effects of alcohol. Show her by examples how bad and dangerous can alcohol be, how destructive for her health and well being..

be her best friend....talk to her...dont ever fight with her...speak to her patiently, remember that she is in a very dificult age...try to lead her by the right way with love and patience.

good luck.....

Answer 7

unfortunately the kids sound like they not only have discipline issues but the underlying problems are really whats starting this kind of behavior to begin with. how do mom and dad act with eachother? these kids seem to have a certain lack of caring about themselves, which in most cases means that on some level they either hate themselves or their parents, maybe both. this is not a good deal for you as the step-parent because they don't "know" you like that. it's likely, as you said, that you getting involved would do no good. is it possible that there's any family member around who they respect or look up to that might be responsible and able to talk to them and just hang out? i don't think speaking to the kids is a good idea at all. i would get in the fathers face though because for him to not care that way is really f---ed up! it's his job! dad is always the one who lays down the law. even if they say they hate him he needs to show that he cares and it sound that up to this point he has NOT done that at all. they need that, trust me. my father passed away when he was 47 leaving me at 20, which was fine for me because at that time i was ok with who i was. my brother however seemed to spiral downward since he was just 17 and pretty immature even for his age. good luck to you and long story short i would get in daddy's face big time!

Answer 8

Good luck, being a step-parent is a very ungrateful job. You don't want to look like the "evil step-mother", the bio-parent without custody wants to be the "fun parent", and the bio-parent with residential custody doesn't want to always be the "mean parent" -- and, of course, both of the bio's think that you're trying to interfere with THEIR child. The only solution I've come up with in my own step-situation is to tell my husband that I can only take so much and I won't force him to choose between me and his daughter, but one day I may be forced to choose for him because I don't think I can continue to live in the same house with his daughter behaving like she is. I haven't had to enforce "my choice" yet, but bio-dad also stepped up to the plate a bit and is enforcing the rules for our house. :) Good luck & God Bless!

Answer 9

If you're on good terms with your husband's ex, sit them down and talk to them about this. It's blatantly clear how wrong a 13-year-old coming home drunk in a policecar is, and I think that's serious enough to initiate some changes.

Answer 10

Tell your husband that you are worried about the future of his children and that you only want to do what is best for them. Tell him that if these children are not taught limits that he and his ex are in for many tearful days ahead. Let him know that their behavior is not only jeopardizing their future but yours as well and if cares for your marriage he will help you in drawing a line that the kids are not allowed to cross.