She lies and steals constintly. Nothing my boyfriend and I are doing seems to be working. We have grounded her, taken things away for periods of time, made her clean, spanked, etc etc. This is not all done at the same time, don't worry. It's just getting really frustrating because neither myself nor my boyfriend lies. He is her father, I am not her biological mother (and I realize genetics don't make a parent). We're at our wits end. He's actually agreed to let me take her to Sunday school which is a huge step for him. We're out of ideas. Help!
2006-09-27 03:24:19 · 12 answers · asked by Anonymous in Family & Relationships ➔ Family
Ok she's 9. I should have stated that beforehand. To the comment about checking my parenting skills because I'm going to take her to church, she likes church and I was raised in church. Church can be a healthy thing. My bf thinks there was some sort of abuse going on between her and her biological mother before he got sole custody. Also, she has a tendancy to lie and exagerate to other people about punishments she gets at home so we are exceptionally careful in what punishment gets handed to her. We are constantly on her about how she words things because it makes something sound horrible when in reality it is not. For example when a little boy got in front of her in the lunch line she was going around saying he 'cut' her. The last thing I found out that she stole was my spare car keys. And believe it or not with my influence she has come a very long way. Her horrendous fits that she used to throw for hours are now almost gone (knock on wood).
2006-09-27 03:48:45 · update #1
Ok I have been with my bf for almost 18 months now. We both work as a team on everything. We are all exceptionally busy. I work during the day and I am a full time student. He works in the restaurant industry so on the night I do not go to school he is typically working. As per the comment about getting better parenting skills, I am constantly looking for ways to improve my skills, so I find that a very rude comment. I am asking for help, which would be a way to improve those skills. We have her in Girl Scouts now as well. At times it seems the more I let her be responsible the more responsible she acts and then there are times like the constant lying and stealing that she does thinking she'll get away with it that breaks our trust again. I know girls are complicated but its very difficult stepping up and being her mother when her own mother takes no part in being around her. Sometimes I just don't know how to be there for her.
2006-09-27 03:54:22 · update #2
I have already told her that I am not trying to take her mother's place and no one can do that. She doesn't call me mom and I've told her that's fine, its what she is comfortable with. I know she has a lot of anger problems. In the 18 months I've known him and her I have made extreme progress, you have no idea. He didn't know about her until she was two years old and her mother was leaving her for her sister to take care of her until he got custody of her at 4 years old. She still sees her mom's sister. In fact, that's where she was this past Christmas. Her aunt (mom's sister) has even noticed a trmendous difference in her since I have been around.
2006-09-27 04:14:38 · update #3
And we do suspect sexual abuse between her and her mother and her mother's past boyfriends. It's in the way she acts and can describe things and things he's seen her do and heard her say.
2006-09-27 04:15:53 · update #4
For the comment about children learning to lie and steal from their parents, that may be true in some cases but not ours. We don't lie and don't steal and don't associate with those who do. And our not being married is not as horrible as you are attempting to make it sound. It may be more ideal to be married, but that doesn't not make us horrible people and is not the reason she is doing this.
2006-09-27 05:36:53 · update #5
If 1 more person says "parenting skills" I will scream!!
Between the fits, lying and stealing....it sounds like this girl as ALOT of pinned up anger inside. While I'm usually a fan up good butt whoopin, I think you might be dealing with a bit bigger problem here.
This kid is angry for a reason and you will have to decide why. You didnt say how long the parents have been divorced.... but I'm guessing from your statement about the mother...that kid might have alot anger towards her. Having a parent...especially a mother that takes no part in a kids life is devestating for the child!
As a step parent (or gf) its not your job to "parent" at this point....you need to try to be her friend. She needs a female figure in her life, but she doesnt need someone taking "mom's" place...or think is taking mom's place. Even if mom is really rotten or abused her....kids dont normally hate their parents at that age even after abuse...this is pure anger.
If you have been trying to work with this kid for 18mos with no progress...it might be time to inlist some professional help. She could have been abused (sexually and/or physically) by moms bf as well
2006-09-27 04:08:40 · answer #1 · answered by texasmiss2000 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Now, don't think this is cruel, but after she steals something even if it is a pack of gum.....take her to your local sheriff's department (especially if there is a jail there.) Let them talk to her and show her some prisoners( I am not talking about murderers and hard core criminals). It is called scared straight and it will really help alot. Law enforcement agencies are used to doing this all the time.
I know about this because my son was in 3rd grade doing the same thing. I thought he had some type of mental problem going on, but he just admitted that he wanted the things he took because we wouldn't buy it for him. We used all the disciplinary steps like you have done and it didn't work either. One day my husband had enough, got him in the car and didn't tell him where they were going (he had already set it up with the sheriff's dept.) and took him to talk to detectives. They showed him people who had stolen something and were in the jail. I freaked out when my husband told me where he had brought him, but you know, he hasn't done any of that again. That is the last place he tells me he ever wants to be. And yes, my son absolutely loves going to church, whereas before this problem was solved he would act up there too. And the lies he would tell. I know what you are going through!!
2006-09-27 10:56:28 · answer #2 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
When my brother and I were kids 9 and 6 respectively, we were at the grocery store with my mom and we were eating tic tack's......... of course we hadn't paid for them. When she caught us, she made us tell the store manager what we had done and then on the way home she stopped at the police station, went in and got the biggest, meanest looking officer she could find and brought him out to talk to us about stealing and what can happen when we do it. Needless to say, we were scared pee-less, literally and after we got off being grounded for a week, we never EVER stole anything again! Now as an adult, I had the same problem with my own child stealing, I took the same action and have had no trouble sense! Maybe it will work for you too.
2006-09-27 14:36:49 · answer #3 · answered by kim h 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Girls are very strange they need alot of attention......especailly from there dads , u didn't say how old she was or how long u have been with him. That is also very important info...
U need to step up and be mom, Make time for her like when u go to do ur nails take her let her do her's too. go to the movies...... You guys must be very busy all of the time right?? do some things together as a family and u will see the difference TRUST ME it works.. But don't forget about the quailty time that is important, tell dad too...
let me know if it works OK>>>
2006-09-27 10:44:36 · answer #4 · answered by tee k 2 · 1⤊ 0⤋
You need to understand and find the real cause of her behavior which forces her lie or steal. Punishing is not going to help, but going to aggravate her more. Keep her occupied with something she likes to do. Make her participate or work in group activities.
2006-09-27 10:33:55 · answer #5 · answered by jegan v 1 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Consistancy. Everytime she lies or raises her voice. You blister her *** with a leather belt. Then she is to go to her room where all her things accept the bed and dresser have been removed. This may go on several times a day or twice a week and yes its hard but I promise it works. (it worked on me when I was a teen) And no driving until she respects your home.
2006-09-27 10:29:42 · answer #6 · answered by murph_ltt 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
ask the police to help you scare her when she lies and im sure they will help, or show her where she will end up if she keeps lying and stealing. go to the local jail house and arrange a tour and tell her about all the things that could happen if she keeps acting like this. tell her it could get really bad. that should scare her to the point where she wont lie or steal anymore.
2006-09-27 10:32:45 · answer #7 · answered by Anonymous · 2⤊ 0⤋
Kick her azz first. If that doesn't work then she needs therapy. You mentioned taking the child to church is a big step, hmmmmmmmmm - Check your parenting skills
2006-09-27 10:39:17 · answer #8 · answered by Jazz 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
It really depends on how or what things she is stealing or lying about-and her age! If she is old enough give her a scare with the police-just explain the situation to them and they will help you out tremendously with scare tactics. Good luck!!!
2006-09-27 10:29:05 · answer #9 · answered by dodlydink 4 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Kids usually learn lying and stealing from their parents, or they do it if they are not getting enough attention. Having a "boyfriend" instead of a husband is really bad. I can see why all this is happening.
2006-09-27 11:04:43 · answer #10 · answered by Rachel 7 · 0⤊ 1⤋