I thought I was over the grieving period, but I'm grieving in a different way. And I can't sleep.?

Question

My fiance died 1 1/2 years ago, and I thought I was over it. I went through the whole grieving period. I cried for a long time because I thought I couldn't live without him. I got over that. I've been happy lately, while still sad that he's gone, but accept it as a part of life. I just started crying all of a sudden for a new reason. Not because he's gone, but because I now feel as lonely as when I was with him. I used to think of the wrong that I did to him, and that I should have made the best of our lives. Now I'm thinking of all of the hurt he caused me. I feel all of that hurt now, all of a sudden. Not the pain of him being dead, but the pain of him trying to prove our lives to other people instead of making us happy...and of him not hearing me when I was trying to tell him how I felt inside, and him getting mad cause he thought it was an attack on him, but it was a cry for help from him. Don't get me wrong, we had a good relationship, despite the hurtfull times, but I feel it now

The main thing that hurts now, is that I feel like he left me in my time of need like he has done when he was alive.

Answer 1

It's like peeling an onion, my love...don't judge it...honor it...give it voice.

Perhaps this is the harder part to grieve...it is more about you and your search for meaning. A year ago you did not have the courage and strength to face it as you do today.

You are dealing with this now...because you can...

Answer 2

You say that he left you in your time of need-I am sure that he didn't want to leave. We all have guilt or hurt feelings when someone dies, think of the "what if I did this" or "I wish I would have said that"-the more so when it is sudden.You can analyze forever but it isn't healthy to do that.My mom passed away suddenly a year ago next month and I am still thinking "was my last conversation with her good?" "Did I make her mad that last week? I was going through guilt because I got married for the second time and I didn't invite anyone to the justice of the peace's house, just had the ceremony and was going to her house the next day to show her pictures-she was put out that she wasn't invited I could tell and that is why I thought she was not taking my calls when I tried to call her two days before, one day before, the day of and the day after which is when we found her. The guilt I felt was indescribable and looking back at my wedding pictures-I was all smiles and she was already gone and I never knew it.There is SO much I would change now about how I treated her-we all don't treat people good all the time. This was a wake up call to me that life is SHORT and you make the best of what you have. Instead of dwelling on the hurtful things, try to think of the good part of the relationship, like you said at the end of the question.There are always good and bad times. We all hurt each other at sometime but you can't keep thinking that way about him and agonizing about what should have been, especially since he is gone. Keep occupied with other things, go out and meet people and try not to think about it before you go to bed, if that is the reason you aren't sleeping.It is hard I know and I wish you the best.

Answer 3

Sounds like you are at the point of grieving where you blame him for "leaving" you. Subconsciously you may think that it will be easier to get over him if you are angry with him. It's all apart of grieving and there is no time limit on it. My father has been gone for almost 15 years and I still go through periods of sadness and anger. Most of the time I try to change those feelings by remembering the good things. The pain does not go away but it does get easier. Stay Strong and make sure you have someone to talk too.

Answer 4

My own grandmother never got over the death of her husband even a decade after he's gone. We can't give ourselves a specific grace period to get over the loss of a loved one. The fact that you are slipping back into depression after you thought you were on the road to recovery is an indication that you haven't really had a proper closure in this relationship.

You also mentioned that your tears and sadness were triggered by loneliness. Perhaps it's time to go out and meet someone new rather than staying cooped up at home.

Strangers and friends can offer you words of advice and comfort, but you really need to brace yourself for the road ahead on your own. Turn to God and your close friends. Learn to live again. I wish you all the best!

Answer 5

its funny you should say that but please dont let it get to you i still some times blame my mum for leaving us and its over twenty years now she was only 49 i was devastated but it does somehow get less painfull and more easier to cope with you do need to get out and meet with old friends and if possible make some new ones it wont feel so hard then hopefully theres not a day goes by that i dont think of her and yes sometimes feel very sad she hasnt seen my children grow up or my grandson whos a liitle tinker not even two yet and he rules the roost and this takes our minds off all the pain that we suffer when you see a little one smiling up at you even when he as just written on the leather sofa with a pen so get out there and make youre life easier for you it will happen just doesnt seem like at the moment i know but 18 months isnt really a long time is it i think youstill greive but think of all the bad things to try and ease that grief no one will ever blame you for that honestly its just another way to try and cope with your loss and all the conflicting emotions that go hand in hand with it it will get easier to cope with honest so chin up smile take care most of all dont blame yourself life after all can be cruel for no reason cant it

Answer 6

First you have to find a new boy friend.
You may have some form of Post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) or Depression. A treatment of 3 - 6 months with a clinical psychiatrist must solve the problem.

The drugs Paroxetine or Sertraline will be very helpful in managing your situation. Paroxetine 20mg or Sertraline 50mg.

Paroxetine is marketed under the tradenames Paxil in the United States, Canada and Brazil; Seroxat in Austria, Belgium, Greece, Israel, Poland, Portugal, Singapore, Spain, the UK and China; Aropax in Australia, New Zealand, South Africa and Brazil; Pondera in Brazil; Deroxat in Switzerland and France; Paroxat in Germany, and Cebrilin in Latin America.

Sertraline hydrochloride (labeled under numerous brand names: Zoloft, Sertralin, Lustral, Apo-Sertral, Asentra, Gladem, Serlift, Stimuloton, Xydep, Serlain, Concorz).

Answer 7

I am so sorry for your loss. You are now into another stage of grief. In this stage you get angry at the loved one for dying. This is 100% normal. When my Mom passed away I was sad for a very long time and then I got mad at her for not being here where I needed her to be. This to will pass and you will finally come to acceptance of his death. Once you do you will be ready to move on with your life. There is no time table for grieving it will take as long as you need it to take.

Answer 8

People grieve in different ways and resolve their grief at different times. It may be a way that you are healing inside. If this is a concern, perhaps you should talk to a grief counsellor and see where you are in the process. If you are having problems, they can get you back on track.

Answer 9

Face your front: the past is gone and irretrievable. The present needs better handling to avoid the mistakes of the past while the future is uncertain. My friend, stop crying over the past with its spilled milk. The future is unpredictable, and beyond your control. You have only today; live it well lest it also becomes a bemoaned past in the future.

Answer 10

I am very sorry for your loss.

You know something, my grandmother died over 20 years ago and I am STILL NOT OVER HER. I still cry about her. I remember the funeral like it was yesterday. Some things I don't think we ever get over. God bless.....