Can anyone out there relate or help?

Question

Well, I have Borderline Personality Disorder. For those not familiar with this lovely curse, it more or less means that I'm a royal pain in the ***, I will probably never have a normal/stable relationship of any kind, I have suicidal thoughts, looooong term depression, and sometimes crazy mood swings that change from one minute to the next. I'm about to be 32 (in 1 day...whoopee). I have no plans with anyone to celebrate it. And it means that time is flying by; still not married; still have very few true friends. Anyways, I just moved to the LA area a few weeks ago and started a new, exciting job. It really is as close to a dream job as I may ever get. It doesn't pay quite as much as my last job, but it's in the industry I love and basically, I was just really feeling like this was my official fresh start. So 3 weeks in to the new job and move....what is the DAMN problem? I'm totally losing it again...crying every 10 minutes (not an exaggeration), wishing I was dead,

hating myself, getting mad at my friends.
Despite trying various meds, therapy, attitude adjustments....the moods just keep hitting and it makes me want to throw in the towel for good. My mom died when I was 18...I miss her soooo much still to this day it hurts more than anything. Sometimes I think how much better it would be if I died and could be with her again.

God, I'm rambling...sorry. Basically I do not want to mess up this job/fresh start. I need to be focused and relatively happy. I just feel so alone in the world. I weight 280 lbs...my heaviest ever. And I'm soooo freaking ugly I seriously don't know how people can even stand to look at me. I mean, when I look in the mirror I don't think I look THAT bad...but when I see pics of myself I think "GRROOSSSSS" and I can barely look at myself. I do NOT want to wallow in my own pity. I want to enjoy life...I want to make other people laugh and feel good. I want to be healthier and feel better about myself.

Answer 1

I can't give you a professional opinion, nor can I relate exactly. Everyone gets down. I get down very low and get discouraged very easily. I have found that by surrounding myself with people who offer companionship can help alot.

Here is a good example. I used to do alot of racing, triathlons, half marathons, etc. I read in a training manual to tell everyone that you come in contact with what you are doing. By doing this you can create your own "cheering section", thus giving you a common ground with others. I started doing this with everything that I do. If I cook a gourmet meal for a group of people, I will tell people what I am doing. Some people don't care, but some people will ask you about it. By creating a conversation starter you will meet people. By meeting people you will feel better about yourself. And this may aid in you being able to cope with day to day life better.

Not sure if this is right, but it's worth a shot.

Answer 2

I am bipolar so I kind of know where you are coming from. You need to get in the a mental health office and get someone to talk to and then maybe meds to just with the depression, it sounds like to me that is the main deman right not, If you can get your depression under control you might start to feel better about your self and all. You already like your job so now for you fresh start take care of you. Get some help meds or theraphy but hon you need something. I know what it is like to go bonkers in your own head and can't do a damn thing about it or even explain it most of the time. By the way Happy birthday I am 32 also. Good luck

Answer 3

Girl I know how you feel I was diagnose borderline AND bipolar 1 and life was and still is hard! I cut myself ended up with 21 stitches one time got into I don't know how many abusive relationships and got arrested over 20 times before I was hospitalized!! My life was un-controllable.. Drugs and drinking was the only way I knew how to deal with my crazy emotions!! I had some great boyfriends and got married 4 times by the time I was 33 but my mood swings were so bad I don't know why they stayed with me! I cheated on them all the time I felt they were gonna leave me so I always left them first!! After I got hospitalized they put me on lithium and resperdol my life with medication and therapy has helped me so much I have been drug free for 11 years and I am back in school and life is great now! Don't ever think of death there is always light at the end of a tunnel. Get help and your problems will start to go away good luck...

Answer 4

You really do seem to need some professional help because if all that you say is true about your mental health its more than you can deal with alone.

When it comes to having lost your mother, most people don't ever get over losing their mother if they were close. Even after ten or more years you can feel as if it were four years. I think when it comes to externally caused sadness like this what you need to do is try to "collect" happy experiences to have in your mind, and eventually the sad things go toward the back of your mind in order to make room for the current and happier things. If you don't have enough happy/joyful things in your life you don't get your soul nurtured and are kind of left feeling empty, if not out and out sad or depressed.

With a job you could be happy with in an industry you wanted you have the chance to make that fresh start. Maybe you'll meet more people once you've worked there for a while. Maybe you could try to join a couple of things after work too - things that you're interested in and that may help you meet more people You could try (if you feel up to it) to do something to help someone else, like put together some little Christmas packages for people in nursing homes or get a group together to do something like that.

Don't forget that every time someone moves or changes jobs it is stressful, even if they wanted to move or change to that job. This new stress is coming on top of a whole lot of other stuff, so it probably has added up to being a real challenge for you. There is probably a process of adjusting to a new situation that goes through phases just like the phases of grief have. Maybe three weeks (when the newness wears a little off and the honeymoon is a little more over) is a time when its gets a little more challenging for a while.

Please find someone who will work with you until you get any medication to do what it is supposed to do for you. If you can't get medication to do what it should you may be trying to feel less frazzled or anxious by eating foods that cause the brain to send off calming "chemicals".

Try to enjoy your birthday and remind yourself that this just may be the year that gets you on the road to that new beginning. Remind yourself that the moods you're going through amount to your being under the influence of brain "chemicals" just as if you were under the influence of alcohol. Try to find music or fresh air or a sitcom that makes you laugh and try to fill your head with as many positive (even if small) things as you can every day. The more you can force your mind to experience even a little pleasantness, the more likely you are to at least alter your brain chemicals at least a little in the direction you may need them to be.

Finally, 32 is far younger than you feel it is right now.

Answer 5

Ok I have no clue how to help you except to say all though you feel alone your not. I to am very heavy and don't think I look bad in the mirror but I see a picture of my self and get the same reaction as you. I have no friends and love most of my job.I have been crying lately at the problems at work do to new policies and we can not get our personell to do anthing. I have also thought maybe if I just left or wasn't here anymore things would be better. But I look at my kids and know better. I am 37 and know some of what you are going through though not all of it. I wish I could help , there are more of us out there seek us out and get some true friends that are on your side. We can probably help you through it like a buddy system.and that's the way I see it.

Answer 6

Call one of these numbers.

1-800-SUICIDE* 1-800-273-TALK

They will give you some help and tell you how to get professional help in the LA area. Since you are new there, you may not be aware of all the support groups and places you can go to get the help you need. For one thing, you need grief therapy. Losing a mother is always difficult and you probably haven't grieved enough. There are many stages to the process and you may be stuck in one of them.

Also action is one of the best things to defeat depression. So do it now. Pick up the phone and call. You did take one action and that is to ask the question on Yahoo answers. Now take all the positive advice (not the one that says "get over it") and help yourself. You CAN get help NOW!

Answer 7

Girl, you are manic depresive. I was you. It is a condition to where you lose it sometimes, just wanna scream and cry and die literaly. Not have a care in the world. You need to regulate this embalance. If theropy and medicine isnt an option, get out. What I mean by that is talk to people, every body you pass. Go out with friends, find something to do..almost constantly. If you have time to sit and think deeply about your life, your thoughts about suiside will come back. Please try theropy or doctor one more time.

Answer 8

i have borderline personality disorder. its miserable and i don't know what to tell you for advice. i recently had to drop out of school and i don't work because i have gotten so bad. i have no insurance so all i can rely on are these stupid meds. they only help the mood swings a little but not much. I'm up and down a million times a day. i get extremely angry at the people im close to for no reason. i treat everyone like crap and i feel so much guilt. i don't mean to but i cant control myself at all. sorry I'm rambling but if you would like to keep in touch you can email me at [e-mail] it would be nice to keep in touch.

Answer 9

i am sorry for your loss of your mother. sucide is never the answer. I would recommend a Christian counselor.
you like me and everyone else is harder on are self than everyone else is. also you seam to have self-destructive behavior in that you already know what you will do. so break the cycle, stay at work start walking joing O.A. or weight watchers. just rember this grasshopper, dont ever stop.

Answer 10

Are you sure you have borderline, they tend to use that to tag just about everyone.. mis-diagnosis is common.
My g/f was once diagnosed borderline, as well as several other things. She is actually suffering MPD (co-concious).
She can be hard work, but it is rewarding. I love her dearly, and can get on with most of her alters...
I myself am an under control paranoid schitzo, so theres hope for you..