I think you're doing a great job under the circumstances. I don't think any heavy-duty counseling is needed. The kid is probably a little depressed. The treatment he/she is giving you sucks, but it isn't personal. Face it, he/she IS at least attempting to be responsible, as you pointed out, and is able to spend time with you in small increments happily enough.
Don't make deals with him/her because it looks like he/she works on a whim. Explain in a friendly voice that you are available for a certain time period and that you look forward to spending that time with him/her on whatever he/she would like to do. Then do that, and don't offer comments otherwise, and don't spend more time than that. Make your time as valuable, your schedule as real as everyone else's.
You can 'loosen up' when you see a little glimmer of respect coming your way. Face it, neither of you chose to be together. You two are 'stuck' with each other. To make the best of it, keep all interactions pleasant and in short doses until things warm up a bit more.
Good luck!
2006-09-26 12:34:18
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answer #1
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answered by nora22000 7
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zoe_south,
your husband should lay down the law
to his children to straighten up,
but he won't
so,
you're on your own with your children
you should stop referring to them
as your "step" children
but, you're angry with them for their behavior
and, because you're also angry with their father
for his non-involvement,
you're pushing them away emotionally
it would be nice
if only ONE of the children
was giving you a problem
then, you could get
help and encouragement
from the others
as you all dealt with
the hurt and angers
however, it sounds as if
ALL of the children
habitually
disrespect you
i'm not clear on whether or not
you are in a position to contact the
chidren's birth mother
i would hope you can
and that she would
want to
work with you
to help the children
enjoy their youth
i know you feel
angry, and betrayed
and insulted
by the family in your house
and you have a border-line
rage
that you have almost no control
over this aspect of your life
or so it seems, to you
your husband avoids counseling
because he suspects that
he's going to be told to
spend more time....
and he's over burdened as it is
plus, it's his culture to
put this type of thing
in the wife's hands
you could get all of the children
together
and talk straight
with them
they're plenty old enough
to understand
exactly
how wrong their behaviors are
obviously,
how they treat you
isn't personal
in the sense that
they dislike YOU
(they would act the same to ANY wife your husband had)
a counselor would tell you
that their actions
of rebelling against your authority
are the way they
assert some control
over their lives
and they do it,
because they feel
that they have no control
not control in the sense that they get to choose their own clothes
but, control in the sense that they really didn't want the break up of their parents' marriage
(no matter how awful the situtation was)
children are like that
so, now
what do you do
to improve things?
i wonder if you realize
just how angry you are?
i'm not saying it's unjustified
but, children need to see that
the adults in their lives
are in control
of their emotions
and, anger
by definition,
shouts: "out of control!"
you need to pursue
your inner peace
in however manner
you ascribe
get the children together
and talk with them
tell them that you love their father
and that, although you don't know THEM very well, yet
you want to be a loving mother to them
tell them
how YOU see the mother role
you know, the getting after the homework, taking the medicine, carrying the umbrella, etc.
tell them a mother is a guide
who helps her children
be the best they can be
but that she isn't a lackey
serf, slave, etc.
tell them that
you would be
letting them down
if you DIDN'T get after them
but that
you'd ALSO be letting them down
if you don't teach them
proper behavior,
and that being rude
to family, friends, co-workers, etc.
is going to prevent them
from advancing in their careers
and, socially
(and emotionally and spiritually)
then,
you have to get them to talk.
what do they think of what you just said?
do they feel that everything is going alright in the house?
what suggestions do they have for improving things?
this is not an overnyx "fix"
maybe you don't want to invest the time, either
maybe you'd all be better off
if you pulled out
what i've said
is only how i read the situtation
from what little i know
of only one side of your family's dynamics
i believe it will
improve
2006-09-26 14:14:10
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answer #2
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answered by Anonymous
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I got a question. Is it possible the 12 yr old NEEDS the breaks? I think I would ask her. She may be just pushing, or she may need the time to let what has transpired sink in. Depending on her answer I would either make her work through without breaks (as per agreement) or plan X amount of time for study then break for X amount of time etc. Explain to her that you ALSO, have other things to do so the breaks need to accommodate your schedule too. Why I wigged onto this is she did come back to continue the homework. I don't know, it just seemed to me that maybe she needed to break.
2006-09-26 12:42:42
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answer #3
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answered by dulcrayon 6
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I would say no ice cream until the homework is done. Dont get up until the homework is done. Then I would say you are 12 years old, I am busy if you have a question then ask me otherwise do it yourself and use your book to look up the answers before bothering to ask me. She is old enough to do this stuff without taking advantage of you.
2006-09-26 12:34:32
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answer #4
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answered by Anonymous
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First the fathers attitude is far from desirable and the kid obvious lack discipline. If the father cannot discipline the child, you should, why help her is she cannot follow instructions. she ignore you when you need something but have to jump when she need you. Start by disciplining her and maybe you should have a word with her father as well. Families need the input from both parents.
2006-09-26 12:39:07
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answer #5
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answered by Pete 3
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Since you are helping the child, they do their homework at YOUR convenience. to me, what that child did was totally disrespectful. the child does not run the house, you do. they would be lucky to have my help after that. and if i was feeling nice and decided to try to help them again, it would be when i had time and when i was done with whatever i was doing. and if i wasnt feeling nice, that kid would sit there in the same room as me (so i could supervise) and do their homework. and as for the husband issue, if i felt that counseling was necessary i would tell my husband that if it doesnt happen, then he can raise his kids himself, i know that sounds a little harsh but sometimes you need to be completely clear and serious with men for them to get the point.
2006-09-26 14:17:58
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answer #6
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answered by krystal 6
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Since you mention this is a step-child in your question, I feel
there is friction between you and the child because he/she
is a step-child. You should treat this child just the same as one
of your own, or you two will have constant friction and disagree-
ments. If it were my child, I would set a time the two of you
agree on "homework" and tell them that is the time you have
set aside then to help them, otherwise they can buckle down and
do the homework on their own.
2006-09-26 12:39:16
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answer #7
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answered by Anonymous
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wow that is a tuff one because if you dont address it she will think she can walk all over you. I guess I would not help her if she couldnt follow the agreement and say that you do not jump at their beck and call and that if she expects you to help her then she needs to stick to the agreement that is agreed upon at the start of the project then if she says ok then finish helping her this time but tell her if it happens again then you will no longer help her that is just my opinion though good luck use your best judgement
2006-09-26 12:32:59
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answer #8
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answered by LaceyandSamsmamma 2
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tell your 12 year old kid that he/she has plenty of time to iron his/her clothes after he/she finishes their homework. Just stick to the finish homework before doing anything else.
2006-09-26 12:30:52
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answer #9
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answered by sellatieeat 6
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you're between a rock and a complicated place in this one and you're damned in case you do something and damned in case you do not !! I see it as she has only shifted the bitterness/anger from you onto your chum because of the fact she is acquainted with this might get to you - so the two way she continues to be hurting you and attending to you - even in spite of the indisputable fact that it may look you have been commencing as much as get alongside. Why could you inform twelve months chum to bypass - she is then isolating you and manipulating twelve months existence - incorrect in case you tell twelve months chum to bypass and then say 4 molnths time you have yet another chum tro stay she will have the means to in all probability commence all over lower back - basically over a diverse undertaking or whine. provide up IT lifeless IN ITS TRACKS good now. She is amazingly rude and only darned good undesirable mannered. it is likewise your place too and you have a very good to assert what you sense. the place is your help from her father ? what's his tackle this or does he only not see it? My 4 twelve months previous reported a chum of mine grow to be fat in front of her (she grow to be 23stone) yet thqat grow to be an extremely youthful toddler making an commentary and that i dealt with it good there and then. this could be a 12yr previous so is acquainted with finished nicely what her comments are going to throw up only with the help of asserting it yet is after a reaction - provide her one ! One she's not waiting for. you assert daughter has began beginning as much as you greater considering arrival of twelve months chum have you ever asked twelve months chum how she feels approximately her teasing ? Does she look to have the style of relationship right now away that according to probability you need along with her your self ? do not do cloak & dagger form - do only huge open form and get each thing out and aired. basically then are you able to progression forward yet why positioned up with it? looks like she will have the means to easily change one drama for yet another and do anythng to maintain the undercurrent flowing over ANY be counted and with anybody. is that this relationship nicely worth all this ? tell the little madam she is an extremely fairly lady till she opens her mouth and walk away - her tongue will hang her sooner or later cos she will have the means to %. on the incorrect one. you have not lost you have gotten gained. existence is only too short.
2016-10-01 09:51:42
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answer #10
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answered by ? 4
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