how do i explain to my child why he has no father?- he was conceived from rape?

Question

my son is a beautiful, happy and intelligent little boy, i have devoted all my time to him and constantly tell him how special he is and how much i love him-sometimes over indulging him to overcompensate for his absent parent.
I feel desperate now he is asking for informaton; such as who is his dad, what is his name etc.
my dilema is not- should i tell him i was raped (i think thats horrific and at his age he wouldnt understand it anyway), i just really dont know what to say without lying.I feel if i lie it will generate more questions to which i will have to lie and it feels wrong morally.
Some of the advice and kind words have been greatly appreciated, please dont answer if you can only be abusive- this is really painful and distressing to go through and am deeply shocked at a couple of the abusive answers.
thankyou

my son is a beautiful, happy and intelligent little boy, i have devoted all my time to him and constantly tell him how special he is and how much i love him-sometimes over indulging him to overcompensate for his absent parent.
I feel desperate now he is asking for informaton; such as who is his dad, what is his name etc.
my dilema is not- should i tell him i was raped (i think thats horrific and at his age he wouldnt understand it anyway), i just really dont know what to say without lying.I feel if i lie it will generate more questions to which i will have to lie and it feels wrong morally.
Some of the advice and kind words have been greatly appreciated, please dont answer if you can only be abusive- this is really painful and distressing to go through and am deeply shocked at a couple of the abusive answers.
thankyou

Answer 1

Well, definatly wait until he is old enough (into his teens at least) to explain it to him. Remind him that you are his mother too, and nothing will change that or take that away. Tell him the truth. One day he will find out anyway, and really, he deserves to know. Obviously you are respectful and intelligent enough to appreciate human life (which is why you didn't murder...I mean...abort him) so you must have a good head on your shoulders. Don't forget to remind him that just because his father did something bad, doesn't make him a bad person or reflect on him in any way what-so-ever. Tell him you love him often and you are glad he is in your life, even if the circumstances in which he came were not pleasent. Remind him he is special, and that he is in control of what he does. Mostly, just don't let him think that because his father was a rapist that he is a bad person, it had nothing to do with him. I'm glad that you have stuck by him, you are a good mother. Keep it up, I look up to people such as yourself.

Answer 2

Firstly i admire your courage and strength and for you to have got through what you have and made it to the other side.

I am not in your situation so i cannot tell you how to feel or react and as you haven't given specific details of the age of your son i can only guess.

But I feel you should continue to tell your son how much you love him and how special he is, you may find it a good idea to tell your son in a kind way that his daddy has hurt you badly (no details) and you just want to protect him from being hurt by his father like you were, maybe tell him that his daddy did naughty things but this may probe him to ask for more details. Explain that not all children have a mommy and a daddy and that some children only have mommies and some only have daddies but that doesn't mean that they are loved any less

I think that if you told your son the truth about his conception at too early a stage it may make him feel that no matter how much you tell him you love him and how special he is there is something wrong with him and that is something to be ashamed of.

I think that if you haven't already you should see a councillor away from your son and discuss this at full length with he/she because no matter how hard we try and the people on here may feel for you this isn't the right place to be having such a personal conversation with you about things like this. A councillor however may be also able to see things from your childs prospective and age and be able to relate to that better and help you word what you need to say so that you can shelter him the truth of this monstrosity of a man for as long as possible.

I am so sorry that i am unable to help you any further. You have already been through alot and coming on here and posing this question could not have been an easy thing for you to do

Please try to keep your spirits high and keep up the good work, you are doing fantastically, i hope you find at least one piece of advice on here that you can use

Take care and god bless, my thoughts are with you x x x x x x

Answer 3

If your son is young he does not need to know about the rape, but he does need to know that you made a decision to keep him even though that decision could have caused painful memories. If you were raped by someone you knew you could tell him that his father was not good to you and that you knew it would be better for your son to live in a loving home with out this man, than to live in fear of this man. If your son is older and you think he is ready for the full truth, make sure he knows that you love him and never regretted having him no matter who his father was. His father has nothing to do with who your son is today. Point out men in his life who were possitive influences on your son, these are father figures he should look up to. You made a difficult decission but have stuck with it, you are a great person and must be a wonderful mom. I hope you have friends to talk to that can help you on how to tactfully tell your son. Just don't tell too many people, this is something that he might not want people to know. God bless, and I hope your talk goes well! Remember, he may be angry at first, just be there for him when he has questions.

Answer 4

My sister went via this. It changed into very frustrating for she loved the youngster it turned right into a blessing from God. She changed into raped by a number of adult men and ended up having and holding the youngster besides as loving it unconditionally. She determined she did not choose the youngster to ever be scared by the way she changed into conceived so she informed her that he were killed in a vehicle crash in the previous the marriage. definite the youngster may be illegitimate without her fathers call yet she is a contented, loved, and extremely brilliant strong baby. there is little question she will be an asset to society sometime and in no way imagine she changed into no longer needed. This must be the fellow who changed into raped determination yet imagine and pray about it. i imagine it will be less complicated to manage a small love fib then to make someone imagine that each and every time her mom regarded at her she remembered the way she were conceived. As I reported a baby is a blessing from God even though it got here about so I pray the right determination is, has or will be.

Answer 5

Firstly i would like to say how proud i am of for keeping the baby. I know some people who have had the same experience and couldnt go through with the pregnancy. This is a really hard time for you, all single parents dread the time their children ask that question. Who is my father, I would suggest you dont tell him anything yet, just keep putting him off, if he keeps at you. just tell him you will explain everything to him when he is old enough to grasp the idea that a man can do something so shitty to a waman, why not just say to him. You know who his dad is but your not ready for him to know. At the end of the day you are the parent and he has to respect the fact.

Answer 6

If this baby finds out how he was conceived it will scar him deeply....please do not tell him ever.
I f I were you I would tell him he was special and you chose him above all the other babies cos you loved him so much. As for his absent parent...explain that some kids live with mums and dads and some kids live with just 1 parent but that doesn't mean that he is loved any less, I am sure there must be kids from single parents around him in his school or playgroup....sometimes you only need to give a kid a small bit of info and they accept it, don't make a big issue out of it with him and then he wont.
I think you are a very brave lady and I wish you so much luck and health and happiness for you and your baby. x x

Answer 7

Hi Lola two things happened the night you were raped firstly someone took from you your dignity and against your Will gave you a gift a that you as a brave and loving mom have embraced , its a lot more than a lot of us could cope with and for that you are to be commended I agree with everyone that has said you are an extraordinary woman . the question of how do you tell your Son ,He is your son and you just sit him down look into his eyes and say I am so proud that you are my son and I love you like no other > Your dad didn't love me and I didn't need him here with us so Its just the two of us, We two are all we need. Ill look out for you and you for me . When he is a man and can understand what his father did is no reflection on him and how you feel for the child you gave life to and raised to be a better man than his linage portrays him to be . then tell him but as for now just let him grow and live in the loving environment you have created for him . all the best brave lady I hope this helps

Answer 8

If he is little, I would just tell him that his father can't be a part of his life right now. As he gets older I would gradually tell him more detail, but only when he asked. I would never try to traumatize him by saying what a horrible person his father is. He may think that makes him a bad person too. I would just let him know that his dad did a bad thing, but because of that bad thing, you got a great gift and that you love him very much. You should get him counseling, too, so he has someone to help him comprehend what you tell him as he grows up. Or don't tell him about the rape only that his father did a bad thing and that's why he can't be in his life. If he wants to know what he did, just tell him he hurt someone very badly. You don't have to say it was you. That's a really tough one to answer.
God bless you. You are a very strong woman.

Answer 9

if it was me i would not chose to tell my child that he was the result of a rape. But that is my personal opionion.
Life is very hard for kids today and this i think would be very hard for anyone let alone a kid. I would rather tell my kid his dad was a one night stand or is dead or anything, and let him greive for the dad he will never know, but dont tell him that. You dont know how it will affect him and if ever anything went bad for him he might always think he's cursed or something like that as this happened to him. It could make him feel guilty or depressed later in life, no one knows but its not nice thing to know how he was created. Please think this through very carefully, you never know when hes older as an adult you may think he could handle the truth but not now as a child. If you told him as an adult if you ever did decide to tell him, then he would be able to understand why he was never told who his father was, and he would prob appreciate the heartache it has caused you, and make him realise if he didnt know just what a brave and strong woman his mother actually is, (if he doesn't know that already)
My heart goes out to you and again, all i can say is what ever anyone thinks what you should tell your child, it is entirley up to you. You know your son and you know how strong he is and you will know when the best time is to tell him should you decide to tell him. This is my personal opinion and i think you are a very courageous person to do what you have done. Your son will be very proud of you just like any other child would be.
Good luck and i wish you the very best of everything.
Stay strong. I wish everyone could be as strong as what you have.

Answer 10

This really is a tricky one!
1st off i think you are a very brave women and you should be very proud of yourself. Secondly this child will find out! Dont you want to be the one to tell him rather then be told by spiteful kids at school that have found out!

Obviously you need to wait untill you feel you are both ready to face the truth and you need to let him know that however he was concieved does not make him any less loved!

I really feel for you and i hope you get this resolved. Good Luck in whatever you decide to do and god bless you!