My son has lived with his paternal granddad since his was 4.He's now 15. I was ill when he went to live there and by the time I was better he was already settled so he remained there. He lives about 250 miles from me and his father but we talk constanlty and I see him regularly and am to take him on holiday next month.
My son's father and I do not communicate at all except through lawyers.My son's grandfather is in his late 70's and my son has really been a carer to him since he was 9 years old. I was getting very worried about the responsibllites my son had which included washing clothes, dishes, shopping, getting his grandfather out of/ into bed, etc. He's a very good student but was under pressure. My son told me I could speak with his head of year to at least let her know what was going on. I did so but my son's father got angry and my son relayed to me that his dad doesn't see what all the fuss is about. My son then took his Dad's side and put the phone down on me. I feel hurt
2006-09-26 11:09:36 · 19 answers · asked by triptipper 3 in Family & Relationships ➔ Family
sorry.. had to continue here.. I feel hurt as I would never have interfered if my son had not told me to do so and asked me to contact his school.When my son's dad rings the school tomorrow he is going to say that I overexaggerrated the problem, yet I only acted on the information relayed to me by my son who told me to get involved then turned against me for doing so. btw I know that he has a lot of home responsibilites more so than he will admit now.
I feel both angry and hurt and no longer want to go on holiday with him. He slammed the phone down on me and I feel compelled not to bother ringing him until he apologises...
2006-09-26 11:11:27 · update #1
WENDY G.. you know nothing about the situation.I do everything to please my son yet he treats his father with more respect. I took him to Egypt last year and suggested he wear sandals as it was hot so he stopped talking to me for 2 days and you say I don't deserve him! I feel that it is the other way around. Loving a child does not mean you should be a doormat or that they should be allowed to be duplicitous.
When I took him to Egypt last year he made my life an absoulte hell and still i paid for him to go on another holiday knowing deep down he would probably teat me badly again. I was ill which is why he went to live with his grandfather but when I fought to get him back it was too late... and I did fight! the father was never ill and has a good job as a teacher and a house [I live in an apartment] but never brought his son down to live with him but dumped him on his father.I never wanted to contact the school as I knew this would happen so thanks for your insensitive remarks!!
2006-09-26 12:07:27 · update #2
SNOWHITE... sorry but we both have parental responsibilites and have NOT LOST OUR RIGHTS!!! I see my son every month despite the fact he lives over 250 miles away, he visits regularly and I speak with him 4 times a day!! His father has legal custody but does not live with my son but 250 miles away as well! My son lives with his Dad's father and I NEVER SAID MY SON SHOULD NOT HELP HIS GRANDAD., BUT HE GETS UP IN THE NIGHT WITH HIM WHEN HE IS ILL THEN HAS TO GO TO SCHOOL.. he never goes out to play or does teenage things. Just because his grandad brought him up does not mean he should have to forfeit his childhood!
2006-09-26 12:13:03 · update #3
My son lives in Manchester and I live near London. I'm from the south of England [near London]. I am hoping that when my son's grandfather dies he will come down south to live with either me or his Dad. I don't want to move back up to the North.. I have lived there before and I would end up moving up there only for my son to possibly move back down South to live with his father.Then we would be apart again.
Personally I have never understood why my son's father has never sought a teaching job in Manchester as it would be far easier for him to relocate...
2006-09-26 22:43:09 · update #4
I think you should take your son on holiday and build a proper relationship with him. He's obviously feeling a lot of pressure from looking after his Grandfather and confided in you hoping that you could help only to have it backfire, when his Father caught wind of it, don't back out now.
I'm sorry but the feeling I'm getting from your story is that your son is being used by his Father as a f/t carer because he can't be bothered to look after his own Father, why should he when he's got a live in skivvy!!
Earn your son's trust, bond with him and show him there's another option when he's passed his exams, that you'll be there to support him or help him find somewhere else to live, I mean he'll cope perfectly well living alone or with you if you've got a good relationship.
Good luck and God bless....x
2006-09-26 12:11:15 · answer #1 · answered by Sweetcakes 3 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Okay you feel hurt, that's understandable. But even if he were living with you he'd still rant at you for no reason cos he is a teenager. So don't feel hurt - he only wants to blame you cos his dad got hysterical that someone had raised the problem.....
Problem here is dad is a selfish git - he is happy to let your son take on the care of his father, depsite being the piggy in the middle of a very bitter split and despite having schoolwork.
You now have to play the part of good cop, dad's done bad cop bit so I would text him and say "Sorry if I caused any trouble, I 'll be more careful in future" and leave it at that.
The he will feel a horror for taking his upset out on you and will get in touch.
Long term I suggest when you get him on holiday raise the possibility of him coming to live with you after GCSE when he is 16 and continuing his education there, and then dad can look after grandad and see what all the fuss is about for himself.
Keep your chin upXX
2006-09-26 11:20:00 · answer #2 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 0⤋
Yes it will be tough on you, and will hurt, but you have to swallow this and still continue to support your son in any way that he needs - even if you get knocked back for what you try to do. He is your son, and as you said he has a lot of responsibility, being only 15 years old he is confused and probably just wants an easy life. Be there for him and forgive him when he seems not to appreciate it. Take him on holiday with you; don’t punish him for this as it could end up severing any possible relationship that you might have with him when he is older.
2006-09-26 11:33:36 · answer #3 · answered by kel 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Head teachers are used to dealing with warring parents. She will be able to judge the situation for herself. What concerns me is that your son has been a carer since he was nine. What is his father doing to help? He sounds like a bully, and maybe your son is at the end of his tether.
Continue speaking to the head, have you met her face to face? If you are the one to explain things calmly, it will go in your favour. Has anyone tried speaking to his Grandad? A 15 year old boy should not be living like this.
Take him on holiday, he really deserves it. Be patient, he is only 15, and has had a rough deal.
2006-09-26 11:31:09 · answer #4 · answered by Thia 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Personally, i think that your Son is a very noble son looking after his grandfather like that, I realy do admire people like your son, i really hope everything works out well for you and your son.
I think that if you make up with him, and show him how much you do care, he will come around. I can see that he is already a caring young man and is able to love. So i don't see why he cant show that love to you.
But remember, love is a two way thing, you give respect to get respect, so speak to him appreciating how he feels and im sure he'll do the same.
Good Luck my friend.
2006-09-26 11:16:11 · answer #5 · answered by Conspicuously Inconspicuous 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I'm a tad confused by your story! Who's side of the family is the granddad, yours or the fathers? No matter which it is, you and the young mans father have given up the rights to him and your son feels his granddad is his parent and in that regard is only too happy to help him in his hour of need, as grandad did for him. In my eyes the only way forward for you is to gain a young man's respect and work with him to help the only real parent he knows.
2006-09-26 11:55:30 · answer #6 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
Your son is hurting and confused. Sometimes teenagers rage against those they love the most - those they trust. Continue to show him you care and love him - that you want to be part of his life. Sometimes listening is what they need, not necessarily action. It is often better to reflect and check before acting - and always better to let teenager know what you are going to do so that some control is retained by him. He is demonstrating a high level of responsibility and would be able to think things through for himself with a sympathetic ear.
2006-09-26 11:18:33 · answer #7 · answered by confuseder 1 · 0⤊ 0⤋
take him away on holiday ,although he may feel guilty about leaving his grandfather if he relies on him so much. I would contact social services and ask that a carer be allocated to the grandfather. Explain the situation, they will understand your concerns. This will give your son space to be the child that he is without feeling guilty
2006-09-27 02:54:17 · answer #8 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
I think you should try to build a really strong relationship with your son now,He most properly resents you in someways but you were ill and that wasn't your fault, Can't you move closer to him so you can spend more time with him? (This is not criticism) what will happenen when the grandad dies where will your son live then?
2006-09-26 21:18:55 · answer #9 · answered by sexyass 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
How sad that adults must use attorneys to communicate. That is your son, so if his dad is too childish to speak with you regarding his LIFE - then poo-poo on him. You obviously do not owe him anything and now that your son is 15 -he can make some decisions on his own, obviously. Worry only about the things you can control, the rest is left up to others...Good Luck
2006-09-26 11:13:59 · answer #10 · answered by Cat 5 · 0⤊ 1⤋