im as soft as muck and my wife goes mad with me whenever someone asks for something or a helping hand coz i never say no. it gets to me sometimes to but i just dont know how to do it. any suggestions please all you nice people out there that dont need anything doing,lol.
2006-09-26 07:57:31 · 28 answers · asked by neil d 3 in Society & Culture ➔ Etiquette
you say "i cant",,,,,remember ......avoid dealing with your wife at all costs on this issue....let the world b pissed at you ,,,you dont share a home or bed with the world ....only your gf/ wife can make your life suck as_ soooooo bad!!!! a pissed off wife doesnt make the world a better place.....get the picture!
2006-09-26 08:19:50 · answer #1 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 0⤋
There are many ways to say no nicely, but try not to lie. Ex: "I wish I could but I can't, I'm sorry but I really don't have the time, I have other plans that night, I dont have the money to do that right now, I really dont feel comfortable doing that." If someone keeps pestering u about it day after day then u say to that person "Look, I really don't want to that" or " Could u please give it a rest, I'm not going to do_____"
It also sounds like u have some issue with being a people pleaser and getting ur priorities straight. Realize u cant please everyone all the time nor are U suppose to. When ever someone ask u to do a favor or help, before u say yes; think to urself-"do I want to", "can they get help some where else", "is this going to take time away from me doing something else important that I already made plans to do", "is this going to hurt my family financially".
Maybe u should pick up that Joyce Meyer book on how to say no.
2006-09-26 16:50:46 · answer #2 · answered by Miss V 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I used to be the same way. All I can do now is say, I'm sorry, I can't.
It is hard, but there is also a reason that you can't say no. Not that many people help others and maybe you have to be that way so that people will still have faith in humanity. I don't know. Only you can really make the distinction between someone really needing help or if they are taking advantage of you. I still don't think that you should view it as a bad thing. It is good to help others. Be glad that you get to make that difference in people's lives.
Like I said before, I used to never be able to say no. I think that it took someone really taking advantage of my kindness to break that. I can't remember specifically but I am different now. I will help anyone who really needs it. If they are just being lazy, then I will assess the situation and deal with it appropriately. All situations are different and sometimes you will have to say no, as to not put yourself in a bad position.
Good luck and keep spreading the kindness!!!
2006-09-26 15:06:35 · answer #3 · answered by Metacoma 3 · 1⤊ 0⤋
This is a double-edged sword because some day you may need help from one or more of the people you're turning down.
I wonder what your wife is really objecting to: is your helpful nature keeping you from accomplishing things in your own home? Are you being taken advantage of? Are the people you're helping also people she just doesn't like? or are you trying to help everyone and you get nothing in return?
How are you at negotiating? If you can set some boundaries about the kinds of help you offer and how much time you can invest in it, then maybe you'll be comfortable negotiating your time and talent in exchange for help of some sort from the person who's asking:
Neighbor asks if you can help install a toilet at their house but you need to mow your lawn. Negotiate their help with your lawn in exchange for the time you spend with them.
I'm interested in that Joyce Meyers book mentioned in Answer #1... does anyone know the title? I can't find anything that jumps out at me on Amazon.
2006-09-26 15:15:57 · answer #4 · answered by princessmeltdown 7 · 1⤊ 0⤋
You know, it's really hard for me to tell a person "no" myself. I am a big pushover and people tell me all the time to not people take advantage of my kindness.
I suggest saying something around the lines of "you don't mind helping once in awhile but try not to make a habit out of it" Just remember, you need a little helping hand once in awhile too, and a break too.
It also gives me a guilt feeling after I put my foot down but you have to learn that you shouldn't feel guilty.
Good Luck!
2006-09-26 15:10:35 · answer #5 · answered by curiositykillz 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Since you have experience not knowing how to say no, you can now use those experiences to guide you. Prepare yourself for any and all events that may arise and things or favors that people might want from you and rehearse the answer that you will give them....ie the word "NO". It's difficult to say no outright so always have excuses up your sleeves. If it's work or manual labor, say you have a bad backache. If it's lending money, say you are broke or your money is tied up. Be creative.
2006-09-27 02:11:23 · answer #6 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
Do NOT (as some have advised) give reasons; always keep it vague (such as "Sorry, I can't." if they press, just keep rephrasing "It just isn't possible" "It wouldn't work out for me" "I have plans." (just don't say what those plans are, they can be plans to do nothing with your wife, others don't need to know this).
If you start to feel yourself slipping, just keep babbling about how sorry you are that you can't help this time, you feel really bad about it, but it just isn't possible, and gee, you wish you could help, but just can't, and you hope they can find someone else to help them, because you just feel horrible about it.
As others have pointed out, don't turn into someone who NEVER helps out. Also, as some have mentioned, it will get easier with practice.
Miss Manners has written a lot about how to say no politely. Try reading some of her books.
Remember, you do NOT have an obligation to everyone who asks for something from you. You DO have an obligation to give some of your time and attention to your wife.
2006-09-26 16:18:03 · answer #7 · answered by tehabwa 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋
if you can't just say no, then use an excuse as well. Say something like, 'I can't help today, got a lot to do myself'.
Of course, there are times when people genuinely need help, as any family or friends might. Learn to distinguish what's really important and you do need to help with, from things that could wait and just might go away, to things you shouldn't really get involved in.
Your own life is just as important as the people who are asking for your help. So have some respect for yourself.
It's ok to say no. People who love you, who really are your friends, will understand you can't always say yes.
2006-09-26 15:02:33 · answer #8 · answered by aliantha2004 4 · 2⤊ 0⤋
Sometimes we too good for our own good. You must learn to be
more selective in helping others. If it is an older person or a child
then you should help them. Your wife is more important, She
deserves your time. Just make your mind up to tell people that
would like to help but you can't at this time. After all you are
important too.
2006-09-26 15:12:24 · answer #9 · answered by bernice l 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
You just have to be assertive and aggressive and just say it. I know how you feel because I am sometimes like that myself. Once I say "no" I feel better and the other person usually understands and doesn't get mad or anything. Once you do it a few times it gets alot easier.
2006-09-26 15:06:11 · answer #10 · answered by Maggie 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I am also one who has difficulty saying no to anybody. What I do is try to pause for a while, think first before answering, and just say the reason for you not saying yes in the first place. It saves a lot of time thinking about excuses (later) and gives you peace of mind as well...
2006-09-26 15:06:45 · answer #11 · answered by Joy RP 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋