How to help my self esteem? I was in an emotionally,physically and mentaly abusive relationship for 2 years and have been out of it for 3 years...its been really hard for me to feel good about myself again..i had just gotten out of rehab for being anorexic and had finally hit a weight i was very happy with i felt so hot and powerful and my ex used to tell me he wished i were anorexic still so i would be a hot girlfriend for him so that he would not be ashamed to be with me. i know it was just another one of his abusive ways to controll me but even still today 3 years later i feel like im nothing like i deserve for a man to treat me like **** because IM doing everything wrong! I have gained more weight now at an unhappy 130 even tho im losing weight again and working out i hate myself and my body..i blame myself for everything that goes wrong i dont know how to make it stop i have gone to see a therapist and tried everything he told me to but i cant ever make MYSELF believe it HELP.....
2006-09-26 05:40:56 · 10 answers · asked by TEMPTRESS 2 in Health ➔ Mental Health
I do not talk to him and have not for 3 years since i broke up with him! I am in a new relationship and have been for a year and a half and its amazing but this is effecting my current relationship he says i use what other people did to me against him. he tells me evey day he loves me and my body and mind he tells me im beautiful etc...so i have forgotten about my ex just not everything he filled my head with about myself
2006-09-26 06:07:17 · update #1
First and foremost, congratulations on your weightgain success!
Second, it sounds like you know that your ex was a selfcentered lunatic in general, but specifically for saying that you were hotter as an anorexic. Wishing that someone had a life threatening disease just to enhance his image of "hotness" is sick.
Once you make up your mind to refuse, on the spot, any man who does not show you respect and love, you will allow the right person into your life. Perhaps you do not need a man at this point in your life.
And the good ones DO exist...just don't be afraid to dump them on the spot if they really offend you. As you know, after staying with them and putting up with ther #@%), you still end up on your own....all that time wasted. It could have been spent more productively on your own, right?
Excercise is a great thing, and it can make you feel better emotionally.....just make sure you eat enough to make up for the lost calories of excercise, and you will stay healthy.
I have gone through the EXACT same thing as you, and those 2 bits of advice are the only things that got me 1, healthy, and 2, a great guy (now my husband) after many many nasty ones.
Keep your chin up. The good guys are around, you just haven't noticed them yet!
2006-09-26 06:00:06 · answer #1 · answered by gg 7 · 1⤊ 0⤋
The best advice you have been given so far is to try therapy again. Sometimes it takes a while to find a therapist you can work with. And it is just like any other profession - just because someone has a plaque on the wall does not mean they are good at what they do. You do not need to "distract" your mind, you need to retrain it to view things differently. A good therapist will help you to do that. Also, your current boyfriend is probably right that you use the past against him -- although this is not something that you do consciously or intentionally. It is called "baggage" and we all carry some. A good therapist will help you work through it so that you no longer have to use the past to create the present. Yes your ex was not a good guy - but you are letting him control your present. A good therapist will help you take back the power that you have given to this jerk, so that you and only you determine who you are and how you feel about yourself. Some of the other suggestions (dance class, etc.) may work well for people who already have good self esteem but are just in a temporary "blues" phase. The rest of us need more help. Dance class or some other interest would certainly be a good idea in addition to the support of a good therapist. A good therapist will help you to do these kinds of positive activities that will then give you more reasons to feel good about yourself. Therapy will also help you to make better choices in the future about the men you choose. (Although perhaps the one you are with now is "the one for you," I hope so.) There is light at the end of the tunnel, please get the professional help you deserve.
2006-09-26 07:52:59 · answer #2 · answered by Hey Polly 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Hi
I too have had a past that was traumatic and I have finally learned how to live for the present, and not let my past overwhelm my today. Try to find something you enjoy doing, a hobby or something that is important to you other than being in a relationship. Trust me, a loving relationship is wonderful, but if all you are living for is to be in a relationship, you are missing out on some wonderful things about just being you. No one can truly make you feel better about yourself, that is solely up to you. Do some serious soul searching and find what you really want from life. Your weight and what you look like are only a small amount of what makes you you. I asure you, your friends and family love you for more than your appearence. If the counseling you are currently seeking is not helping, look somewhere else. Hope you the best.
2006-09-26 05:57:34 · answer #3 · answered by Anna S 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
You need to distract your mind. Reading is an excellent therapy! any novel you like will transport you to a different world for a while and make you realize you are not alone, everyone has problems. If what you need is to feel more optimistic, then there´s nothing better than to read The Alchemist by Paulo Coelho, believe me. You could also try dancing classes, they really boost your self confidence. Go out for walks, ideally in the country side or sea side or a big park, nature will help you see things differently. Whenever you´re alone, put the radio on, you need constant distraction so that you stop remembering your bad experiences. If you can´t sleep at night due to memories, try listening to the radio or get yourself some audio books. You can do it!
2006-09-26 05:55:38 · answer #4 · answered by Linda 3 · 0⤊ 2⤋
Get a reputable therapist and do something for yourself that you've always wanted to do. I stopped being depressed over relationships the day that I stopped giving a F*** about what ANYBODY thought about me (it works!). I also went back to college and got a degree that I've always wanted (psychology), went to law school for a while (sucked), then went to learn how to fix Harley-Davidsons. The more I learned about people, the better I liked my wrench set, my bikes, and my dog.
2006-09-26 05:49:08 · answer #5 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
Stay with the therapist and keep working on your issues, you won't get any good advice on here that will help you in the long run. (except mine to stay with your therapist!) You have issues that cannot be handled on a type in advice forum.
2006-09-26 05:50:27 · answer #6 · answered by ? 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋
#1 it was not your fault that your ex was like that. it doesn't matter what you look like on the outside...honestly who do you have to be thin for? if someone loved you they wouldn't change you. dr seuss once said "those who mind don't matter, and those who matter don't mind." just try to pick out your best qualities each day. maybe say...i like my hair today. you have to build you confidence gradually. it's not going to change in one day. that ex of yours...forget him. let him go..write a letter on how you feel about him and all that other stuff. you don't have to send it. maybe you can burn it once you are done. writing you worries down helps them come out and stay out of your mind. just think about yourself. and 130...that is a good weight. think of all the ppl out there that weigh 230. they want to look like you. so don't try to look like someone you don't want to be.
2006-09-26 05:50:10 · answer #7 · answered by Sarah 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
honestly your Ex is the one who needs the therapy.
just stay away from jerks.. sooner or later you'll start to feel normal again.
your problem is you got in with a real selfish pos of a person and you gave them too much credit.
and yes only YOU can make yourself believe. if you can't do that then you've lost yourself.
find yourself and please, please STAY AWAY FROM JERKS and people who are VICIOUS!
you need ME time... you need to clean the crap out of your head that others have put into it.
honestly your ex and jerks like him and others are the ones with issues but they avoid confronting them and make people like you pay the price for their insecurities... obviously something was wrong with him and he knew it so instead of taking care of it and confronting it and being honest with himself he took his anger and jealousy out on you.
he still has to live with himself and he'll ruin others like he did with you (it's not too late though) get him out of your mind and others like him...
you'll run into more succubuses like him again but next time remember it's not you.. if you must do things that are impossible and unruley to please another.. LEAVE them.
let them to their own misery and don't become part of their pain. like you did with your ex.
you won.. you escaped.
remember that.
now get on the road to emotional recovery... there wasn't anything wrong in the first place.. it was him and he manipulated you....
now he's gone...
you must move forward... keep on being honest with yourself and it's ok to feel the way you do from time to time but remember you're not in the wrong... and never let this happen again.. hopefully this situation will wise you up and you'll see through people like your ex the next time around and remove them before they destroy you.
it's like when they fall.. they want to grab you and take you with them.. your ex almost did that.
he's falling.. you've backed up and closed the window! you're still safe.
now take some time out and recover and remember... you're a human being.. you are wonderful, beautiful and considerate... and smart.
and if anyone tries this crap again... just do not give them the time of day.
this is normal this happens too often dear.. you just suffered.. and shouldn't have and it's gotten itself into you and you can recover.. just keep the therapy going and remember to help yourself and you can move on.
and do constructive things too that will help you feel good about yourself and maybe sometime you too can help those who are like you and dealt the same situations you have so you can heal and help them heal.
you're not alone.
2006-09-26 05:56:55 · answer #8 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 0⤋
I don't understand how someone can do that to someone else and still live their life like everything is fine and dandy.
I wish you luck in the future.
2006-09-26 08:14:06 · answer #9 · answered by leavemebe_11 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
call 1800 SUICIDE
they will talk to you and help you out.
It's free and they are trained.
2006-09-26 06:38:28 · answer #10 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋