2006-09-26 04:48:52 · 30 answers · asked by Bowie 1 in Entertainment & Music ➔ Jokes & Riddles
What do pirates say?
Argggg!!
2006-09-26 04:50:46 · answer #1 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 0⤋
-There was 2 muffins in the oven, one muffin says to the other "Man it's hot in here!!!" The other muffin says "Whoa, a talking muffin!"
lol...
-Why couldn't the pirate get into the movie?
...because it was rated "Arrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrggh!"
-There was a blonde cop that pulled over a blonde lady that had been speeding on the highway, the blonde cop walked up to the window and asked to see her license and registration. The blonde driver finds her registration but cannot find her license. So the blonde driver asks the blonde cop, "What does it look like?" The blonde cop replied, "It's kind of square and has a picture of you on it..." So the blonde driver fumbles around a little bit more in her car to find it... she finally came across a square compact, opened it and saw that it was her! She handed the compact to the blonde cop as her license, when the blonde cop opened it she said "Oh, I'm sorry ma'am... I didn't know you were a cop...!"
2006-09-26 12:02:41 · answer #2 · answered by Fatty McButterpants 5 · 2⤊ 0⤋
Mother Superior, every morning, does her 'rounds' of the Convent accompanied by her assistant, Sister Mercy.
On this particular day, after nodding her 'good morning' to each of the sisters on her rounds, as they walk on, she can here the Sisters 'tittering' at her.
She does her best to ignore this, but in the end she is becoming really frustrated and finally she turn to Sister Mercy and asks her if she knows what is going on?
At first, Sister Mercy is reluctant to say anything, but on being pressured by the good Mother, the Sister tells her, "Well, it's like this Reverend Mother. You got out of bed the wrong side this morning."
Her eyebrows shoot up in total surprise at this startling but accurate piece of observation. How could anyone know!
She looks at the Sister who glances at the Reverend Mothers feet and tells her. "It's like this, Reverend Mother, you're wearing Father O'Rafferty's boots ."
-----------------------------------
In the rear window of a car, l once saw a sticker which asked the....
Question: How many contraceptives can you make out of a car tyre?
Answer: '365, in a Good Year.'
Sash.
2006-09-30 10:43:35 · answer #3 · answered by sashtou 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋
A pretty young blonde visiting her new doctor for the first time found herself alone in a small waiting room.
She began undressing nervously, preparing herself for the upcoming examination. Just as she draped the last of her garments over the back of a chair, a light rap sounded on the door and a young doctor strode in.
Coming to an abrupt halt, the doctor looked his nude patient up and down carefully and with considerable appreciation.
"Miss Smith," he said finally, "it seems quite obvious to me that until today you have never undergone an eye examination."
2006-09-26 20:49:12 · answer #4 · answered by summerbrze 2 · 1⤊ 0⤋
How many psychologists does it take to change a light bulb?
One ... BUT!! the light bulb has to WANT to change!
or... Knock knock!
Who's there
Felix
Felix who?
Felix my ice cream again I'll be annoyed!
or... what's the difference between a hairdresser and a sculptor?
A hairdresser curls up and dies... and a sculptor makes faces and busts!
or... Abraham is standing on Mount Sinai talking to God and he says "God, God, you say we are the chosen people and you want us to cut off our WHAT!!??
or...
English in European Union in next 5 years...............
European Commission has just announced an agreement whereby English will be the official language of the European Union rather than German, which was the other possibility.
As part of the negotiations, the British Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a 5-year phase-in plan that would become known as "Euro-English".
In the first year, "s" will replace the soft "c". Sertainly, this will make the sivil servants jump with joy.
The hard "c" will be dropped in favour of "k". This should klear up konfusion, and keyboards kan have one less letter.
There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year when the troublesome "ph" will be replaced with "f". This will make words like fotograf 20% shorter.
In the 3rd year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible.
Governments will enkourage the removal of double letters which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling.
Also, al wil agre that the horibl mes of the silent "e" in the languag is disgrasful and it should go away.
By the 4th yer people wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing "th" with "z" and "w" with "v".
During ze fifz yer, ze unesesary "o" kan be dropd from vords kontaining "ou" and after ziz fifz yer, ve vil hav a reil sensibl riten styl.
Zer vil be no mor trubl or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi tu understand ech oza. Ze drem of a united urop vil finali kum tru.
Und efter ze fifz yer, ve vil al be speking German like zey vunted in ze forst plas.
or...
FEMALE PRAYER:
Before I lay me down to sleep,
I pray for a man, who's not a creep,
One who's handsome, smart and strong
One who loves to listen long,
One who thinks before he speaks,
One who'll call, not wait for weeks.
I pray he's gainfully employed,
when I spend his cash, won't be annoyed.
Pulls out my chair and opens my door,
Massages my back and begs to do more.
Oh! Send me a man who'll make love to my mind,
Knows what to answer to "how big is my behind?"
I pray that this man will love me to no end,
and always be my very best friend.
Amen.
MALE PRAYER:
I pray for a deaf-mute nymphomaniac
with huge boobs who owns a liquor store and a boat.
This doesn't rhyme and I don't give a ****.
Amen.
Why do we press harder on a remote control when we know the batteries are flat?
Why do banks charge a fee on "insufficient funds" when they know there is not enough?
Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?
Why doesn't glue stick to the bottle?
Why do they use sterilized needles for death by lethal injection?
Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?
Why does Superman stop bullets with his chest, but ducks when you throw a gun at him?
Why do Kamikaze pilots wear helmets?
Whose idea was it to put an "S" in the word "lisp"?
What is the speed of darkness?
Are there specially reserved parking spaces for "normal" people at The Special Olympics?
If you send someone 'Styrofoam', how do you pack it?
If the temperature is zero outside today and its going to be twice as cold tomorrow, how cold will it be?
If people evolved from apes, why are there still apes?
If its true that we are here to help others, what are the others doing here?
Do married people live longer than single ones or does it only seem longer?
If someone with a split personality threatens to commit suicide, is it a hostage situation?
Can you cry underwater?
What level of importance must a person have, before they consider assassinated instead of just murdered?
If money doesn't grow on trees, why do banks have branches?
Why does a round pizza come in a square box?
How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on bigger suitcases?
Why is it that people say they "slept like a baby" when babies wake up, like, every two hours?
If a deaf person has to go to court, is it still called a hearing?
Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground?
Why do doctors, when they ask you to strip, leave the room or close the cubicle curtain while you change?...... They're still going to see you naked anyway
That should start the ball rolling...
2006-09-26 12:09:35 · answer #5 · answered by jezterfezter 3 · 3⤊ 0⤋
An 85 year old lady goes to doc's and asks for some viagra for husband.
Doc says "we have 3 strengths low for a 25% hard on, Med for a 50% hard on, and super for a 100% hard on".
The old lady replies "just give me the low it is only to stop him peeing on his slippers"
2006-09-26 11:57:49 · answer #6 · answered by Crafty Cath 3 · 1⤊ 0⤋
A guy goes to the supermarket and notices a beautiful blond woman wave at him and say hello. He's rather taken aback, because he can't place where he knows her from. So he asks her, "Do you Know me?" To which she replies, "I think you're the father of one of my kids."
Now his mind travels back to the only time he as ever been unfaithful to his wife and says, "My God, are you the stripper from my bachelor party that I laid on the pool table with all my buddies watching, while your partner whipped my butt with wet celery???"
Calmly, she looks into his eyes and replies, "No, I'm your son's math teacher.
2006-09-26 12:44:22 · answer #7 · answered by mjkinoh 3 · 2⤊ 0⤋
One day, as a treat, a kindergarten teacher gave her class one of each flavor of lifesavers. Before they could have the next one they had to guess, as a class, what the flavor was. The first ones were no problem...lime...cherry...orange...but when they got to the honey flavored one they were stumped so the teacher game them the hint, "It's what your mom calls your dad sometimes." Immediately little Johnny yells, "SPIT THEM OUT GUYS THEY'RE A%#HOLES!"
2006-09-26 12:08:19 · answer #8 · answered by autumn_hendrix 2 · 1⤊ 0⤋
The 7 dwarfs visit a convent, they are all huddled together talking and after much persuasion from the others Dopey goes up to the mother superior.
"do you have any midget nuns?" he asks her shyly
"I dont understand my child" she replies
he says "you know, midgets, small nuns?"
"no" she replies
anyway a little downhearted Dopey goes back to the others.
"well?" they ask and he shakes his head
"ha!" they all laugh at him "Dopey shagged a penguin!"
2006-09-26 11:57:46 · answer #9 · answered by Kerri 4 · 2⤊ 0⤋
What do Richard Hammond and Elton John have in common?
Both got skidmarks on their helmets
2006-09-26 11:58:35 · answer #10 · answered by Fontain 2 · 1⤊ 1⤋
In the paper today
ED BALLS, economic secretary to the Treasury has been asked whether his surname has made him a stronger person. "Yes" he says "I think it probably has. But if you think it's bad for me, think how much worse it's been for my sister Ophelia".
2006-09-26 17:39:55 · answer #11 · answered by dick g 1 · 1⤊ 0⤋