How do I deal with a 12 yr. old daughter who really doesn't care about anything.?

Question

She doesn't listen. She won't do what she is told. She is very difficult to be around. Everyday she has a terrible attitude toward me and the rest of the household. I am losing the battle and it is driving me nuts! HELP!

wow...let me add some details. NO..I am not a single parent. I divorced her dad 4 years ago because he had major issues. Of course she is mad at me for that. I re-married a great guy 2 years ago. He is very active with my girls and is a fantastic dad. She just doesn't care. She ALWAYS has an attitude. I have "grounded" her...taken all electronics away....spanked her...yelled...cried....I think I have tried everything possible. I do try to encourage her when she is "HER" again. Hell, I even took her to a huge concert this summer for her birthday. I am just getting worn out. Please no smart *** comments. I actually want REAL advice.

Answer 1

Bring her back to the age of 3 again, be right on her, where ever she goes, what ever she does. When she misbehaves treat her like she is acting, like a little girl. Pull down her pants put her over your knee and spank her. Do this every time she shows the slightest bit of attitude. I have had to do this with my almost 10 year old daughter who started pulling the same stuff. It took less then a month to get that little angel back. Be strong, 12 is not to old for a good spanking. I have found that parents saying spanking does no good, are not doing them right. If you give a single swat or 2 you will only make them angry. I know it sounds drastic, but you said your losing the battle, you daughter is counting on you winning at all costs, be there for her. my heart goes out to you.

Good Luck

Answer 2

I have a 12 yr. old that sounds like yours. 1) I think it's a lot to do with the age. My boss is the last person on earth I would think would say her daughter did the same thing but she said she did and a few years later she was sweet as pie again. 2) I think like someone else said - she may need to talk to someone. I am fortunate to be married still but I know kids from divorced parents and it's hard on them. Some cope with it with no problems, others hold it in or blame it on one of the parents. If you and your ex-husband can't civily sit down and talk to her and let her know that it was a mutual separation (lie if you have to), then maybe she needs to talk to someone else.

If you don't think it's a divorce issue, then it may just be the fact that you aren't be consistent. Sorry but the truth hurts. I notice that when I tell her I'm going to do something, a lot of times, I don't follow through and she gets use to that and she pushes me as far as she possibly can. So take a step back and see if you really have been grounding her that much or just yelling at her. Yelling gets you no where, they learn to tune you out just like we tune them out. You need to make a consequence plan, actually sit her down and say this is what I expect of you - you have a great life, you are healthy, we have a great house, bla bla bla, learn to appreciate it. Give her the options and consequences and then immediately start enforcing them! If the second after you have the talk she gets pissy with you, do something about it.

Another thing, if she gets an attitude - remember, she has the right to be pissed off when you discipline her. Discipline her for the behavior - not for her opinion or her emotions. If she goes to her room and slams the door - fine! Let her. That's not your issue.

Answer 3

Oh, I feel for you...I think there should be an ongoing group for Mother's with 12 year old girls. I have a 12 year old and she is pretty much the same way. We write each other notes, b/c she is not a big talker and never has been...this is a way that she is comfortable communicating with "the one who knows nothing...me". I give her a reality check every once and a while...like last night, that she is the child in the house and I am the adult. It's all puberty...that's it...it's not going to get much easier, try taking her to lunch / dinner once a month and having a "*****" session...that is what I do with my daughter. It gives her a chance to tell me how I am ruining her life and it gives me the chance to reiterate how I am the adult and she is the child. She is flipping out right now, b/c I won't buy her the new razor phone for Christmas. I really don't think she needs a 300 dollar phone much less a cell phone...and we have gotten nothing but attitude since then.

Answer 4

You losing a battle with a 12 year old? OK your daughter suffers from a very bad illness. And the best thing about it, is YOU can CURE IT all by yourself. The illness she has is identified as LACKASLAP. Pronounced LACK A SLAP Like WOW, First off there shouldn't be a battle. I take it you are the mother of this 12 year old. This being She DOES what she is told or she is GROUNDED. She can't even use the bathroom unless she ask. NO TV, NO PHONE, NO FRIENDS over, NOTHING. NO EXTRAS NO ICE CREAM, NOTHING, you get the picture. NOTHING AT ALL. Other than her three square meals a day, NOTHING else. She can stay in her bedroom or sit in a corner if you need to watch her. Once you have her attention her heart and mind will follow. OH I missed something. IF she has a CELL phone, NOT ANYMORE. You WILL get her attention real quick.

Answer 5

Been there, did it done it. That is exactly the age my youngest went through her changes. It was a hard battle, same scenario, left her dad, moved to a better town, the youngest of 3, she ran away, and just did what she knew would annoy me. Honestly, now looking back at it,.I don't know how I did it, but all the fights, school meetings, police at my home, etc., but thankfully, no drugs, no pregnancies, and I didn't kill her. I think she realized that she was on downward spiral when I just prayed and didn't get verbal or physical with her, she seemed to thrive on that. I did a lot of praying, reading, crying, I don't know maybe a mother should go through that when the child is younger, because with age does come wisdom. There are out-reach programs, but they didn't seem to care, at least not for my situation, because I was holding it down. You have a family, husband and other children, have an intervention, sit down and get in her case, hold nothing back. Then tell her - there is the door, the world is harsh, cold, etc., but that she wouldn't have to deal with that constantly because she has a family to retreat to, with, not all have that and you can't chose your family, with their unconditional love. I guess what I am saying is sometimes, 'TOUGH LOVE" is needed. God Bless..

Answer 6

Buckle up and hang on. She's entered the Godzilla stage (a bit early I might add) and it doesn't matter what you do it'll be wrong and she'll hate you for it. You've got at least 4 more years of this, but most likely 5 or so.

good bye and good luck.

BTW, as an aside, I had a buddy that swore up and down that girls were easier than boys. I informed him that's only cause you hadn't yet dealt with a 14 year old girl, and then he proceeded to tell me one of the funniest things I've ever heard in my life, "But you can REASON with a 14 year old girl." I fell on the floor and laughed for about 10 min, and get a kick out of telling everybody about this now ;-)

Answer 7

You will always loose the battle when going head to head with another person. In other words no one can force someone to do or not to do anything is what it comes down to it especially an individual asserting his/her independence. The key is to find a way to diffuse things before a battle begins and that will be a give and take approach on both parties parts. Your daughter is in hormone hell right now, time is what will be needed to work this out. Ever hear the saying choose your battles wisely?

Answer 8

Tell her that if she cannot adjust her attitude and is not willing to conform to your rules that you will put her in a home for wayward juviniles....but mean it...do not threaten her if you are not willing to do so....investigate who your local resources are and use the names of the places that you can take her. Either this is going to scare her into becoming a more respectful young lady or she is not going to care and you will have to use tough love and put her into a home that can make her mind. She will probably be very angry with you for doing so but she will eventually understand that you did it for her own good. If she continues on the same path she is on now you are looking at a life of hell...she is only 12...what will she be doing at 15 or 16? God forbid!!! Stop her dead in her tracks now while she still has a chance at becoming someone. Good Luck!

Answer 9

Well most teenagers this day and age just have bad attitudes. Maybe you should just have a good heart to heart talk with her. This attitude could last till she is 17 or18. But I would still say talking it through may be the only way to get through with her if nothing else has worked. Good luck, I know parenting can be very hard.

Answer 10

Hi your probably going crazy i know i was i had 6 and 4 of them girls the one that gave me gray hair was second to the oldest at 11 she thought she had to listen to know one and she knew everything we were all just stupid and a pain in her *** then i tried spending more time with her we would sneak away to a movie or shopping and stop for a bite to eat and she started to come around she explained to me that she felt i never had time to really listen to her and was very happy i took time out with her when the rest of the children would complain i would hug them and say right now you guys your sister needs a little more time with mom then you need but sure as the day is long you will each need more time and now is her time they all turned out just fine. hope this helps good luck