I always feel guilty about any decision I make that doesn't satisfy them. I always cringe or put off telling them the truth if I know they will disagree with my decision. I try to please them if I can....and then I beat myself up inside because I didn't do what I wanted to do. In fact, this minute, I am in the process of a divorce. My ex of 23 yrs. was controlling and verbally/emotionally abusive and neglectful. They know this, but still applaud me staying with him because of the 3 kids.(20,18, and 12) My mom always makes little inuendos or remarks that are subtle but the point gets across. I love my family and am very attached to them but I can't seem to detach from needing their approval. I hate it. Other women can make their own decisions and if their parents don't like it....so what. How can I get that attitude without feeling like I have betrayed my parents.? My father was an alcoholic and I was sexually abused by him...obviously my mom was a co-dependent Help!
2006-09-26 02:41:29 · 11 answers · asked by lucy p 2 in Family & Relationships ➔ Family
At 38 I still struggle with guilt when I think I have disappointed my mom, so I can certainly understand where you are coming from. On the other hand, I did/do not suffer from abuse from the men in my life & I'm sure that affects you more than you realize.
As a mom, I think you should try to put yourself in your children's shoes from time to time - how would you feel if you saw your own mom going through what you have? being abused by a spouse, being abused by parents (your mom's manipulations & failure to protect you from your dad's abuse is ALSO a form of abuse), etc. If you don't like what you see from your child's viewpoint that should tell you something....that you need to make some serious changes in your life for yourself & for them.
I'm not a big proponent for counseling for every little bump in the road, but you have serious issues that I sincerly feel a professional counselor could help you with. At the very least you might consider joining a support group for survivors of abuse or children of alcoholics. All of your problems seem to me to be related - you are in a pattern of being a victim & are caught up in a never-ending cycle of guilt & desperation for parental love/approval. A counselor or support group would help you in an effort to stop that cycle and become a stong, independent adult with a life you are proud of with or without the approval of your parents.
PLEASE seek help & know that lots of people are praying for you!
2006-09-26 04:10:43 · answer #1 · answered by georgiagig 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I do feel for you - you may feel that it would be easier to sever all communication with them rather than feel their disapproval but then the guilt sets in and you feel like a bad daughter.
The abuse issue has to be dealt with though and you are not going to find the right level of support here - try getting help through your GP. Perhaps understanding how that has affected you will unlock the need you have for approval now.
Ultimately it is now your life - your parents had the chance to make their choices in life and now you must too. If someone can make you feel so bad about yourself with a carefully worded phrase or look surely the time has come to distance yourself emotionally. Be strong - seek the professional help you need and deserve to be given - find your own inner strength and gradually let go.
When you start to live your life for you (but taking your kids into account) you will be a much happier person.
I wish you good luck
2006-09-26 03:16:22 · answer #2 · answered by Georgina C 1 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I was a victim of extreme violence and verbal abuse. I lost 11 years of my life to it..I cant get that back. It is a pattern that you must change. That includes the relationship with your parents; you are still their victim...and you are the one who allows it!! You need to cut some ties and focus on you and your children for a while. That means changing the way that you communicate with your parents. They are 500 miles away...that means they only know what you tell them. Leave out the dramatic details of your PRIVATE life and make the conversation pleasant and comfortable for you. You are in control of that and you need to realize it.
Its sounds like counseling would be a great idea. Take this time to focus on what YOU need because It doesn't sound like you have ever been allowed to do that. Take a step back and look at your freedom.. this is an exciting time..you can change the rest of your life and do things that you always wanted to do. I'm not saying ...go on a trip around the world.. do the little things that you could never do. You are free! Make positive changes so that you do not live the rest of your life in the shadow of the abuse you suffered. You are a woman who can make her own decisions... you just have to realize it. You are the VICTIM.. you have betrayed no one!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
2006-09-26 02:55:01 · answer #3 · answered by Lisa M 1 · 0⤊ 0⤋
You must have not gone through that rebelious state. Ok first of all, don't worry about your divorce. Your childs are 20, 18, and 12. The 20 and 18 year olds might understand and you won't have to worry about him, but the 12 might cause some problems, but it'll probably be nothing you can't handle. Speak to your parents about how you feel, mostly your mother. Like the song goes, It's my life, don't you forget it. Make decisons that make you happy. Once you start doing stuff that your parents don't like they will gradually start to let go of the hold on you. Show them that you are your own person. You have a brain, use it. Stop being a follower and be a leader. You can't always satisfy the people around you, but you can satisfy yourself. When they have something to tell you, listen to their opinions and then make your decison. Sometimes, parents are right, something they are not. Do what your heart tells you to do.
2006-09-26 02:52:16 · answer #4 · answered by rock101 1 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Sounds to me like you are still fighting for their love. Well it is never going to happen. They have and have had problems & still do. They love the controll over you.
Stop looking for their approvel.
Stop being a puppet for them.
Stop begging for their love.
You are the one that has to look in the mirror at yourself.
You will never beable to please them. Their will always be something else.
Ask yourself this now that your kids are grown are they also abusive with their partners?
Did you really befit them by doing what your parents wanted?
When you make a dicision for yourself if you know they won't like it then don't tell them they only know about your business if you tell them.
Try some things like only call once a week & put yourself on a time limit like 20 mintutes. Then do it every other week. Then go to once a month keep it short. If you have to write down what you are going to talk about & stick with the list.
Tell yourself every time you make a dicision that you are making it for you & what you think is best.
Really what are your parents going to do spank you. The worst thing that could happen is they won't want anything to do with you. That won't happen cause they like controlling you.
The guilt you have is only their because you let it be their.
2006-09-26 03:10:06 · answer #5 · answered by Emptiness 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
You first need to seek help to deal with the abuse from your parents and mate. second I applaud you for leaving an abusive relationship. This is the first step to your own identity. And making your own decisions. You have to do whats best for you first
your children are old enough to know whats going on. don't worry about what anyone else thinks. do whats best for you. Abuse can bring a person down and you need to build up your self confidence. be sure to seek help this will help you with your self confidence. This has helped me tremulously.Talking about your problems with someone helps.
2006-09-26 03:16:28 · answer #6 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
Seek professional therapy.
2006-09-26 02:43:45 · answer #7 · answered by janicajayne 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋
dont please them please your self take a time out if you can they dont aspect you wil do go somewere to a friend or just be out a vieuw days.put your mobiel phone out and let them worry afther you are back say you choice for your self and family on your terms be harder for them.so you wil feel joy for your self respect your self and your disicions to made.
you are importend rule your life,...go away in the wekend and take a time out later you can explane why let them miss you. good luck.
2006-09-26 02:51:04 · answer #8 · answered by leo k 1 · 0⤊ 0⤋
my observation - you share too much with them about what is going on in your life and inviting their opinion
Let me guess - you spend hours on the phone "sharing" with your mother several times a week - STOP IT! - one call a week for 30 min would be perfect.
Just SHUT UP!
2006-09-26 02:47:55 · answer #9 · answered by roadrunner426440 6 · 0⤊ 1⤋
just live your life they way you want to, no regrets
2006-09-26 02:43:54 · answer #10 · answered by Henry_Tee 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋