Trauma = no feeling (adults ONLY please)?

Question

I've recently gone through a very serious emotional trauma (infadelity to be specific... not me, him) and now when either trying to do it myself or with a partner I have absolutelly no feeling. I can feel the pressure of intercourse but I can't feel... that feeling. Not just "finishing" but I can't feel anything pleasant. It feels like someone is rubbing my arm. I make noises and do all that your supposed to because nobody wants to be a wet blanket, but how do I learn to enjoy this again?
I still haven't cried over what happened... is that the reason for me not being able to release physically. My emotions are as numb as my skin. I have trouble thinking correctly and find myself stopping mid sentance while in conversations with others. The only person I can be animated with is my young son and even then I'm only doing it for his benifit.
Chemicals are not an option and I don't have money for a therapist so please don't suggest that.
Thanks to you all

Okay, first off. The "partner" is the same guy were trying to work it out, and second I've tried masterbating since the incident and I have NO FEELING... thanks for the comments though.

Answer 1

It is possible that you are repressing the feelings and it is blocking you mentally from experiencing the pleasures and joys of sex. A woman must be feeling it both physically and mentally to derive anything at all, whereas men have a tendency to derive all emotive stances from tactile comforts or discomforts the tangible experience. If you cannot express what you feel about it to him then he will most likely always represent an unpleasantness in your mind and he will not satisfy you. But neither will anyone else, because you will probably still associate the sexual experience with the emotional pain and the betrayal you felt with your husband. Your child probably makes you feel more vibrant and inspires you because somewhere in your mind you want to work this out, and sub-consciously your son is the outlet through which you can establish comfort, probably because he is a by-product of a much happier time in your marriage. I would suggest establishing some time with your husband during which you can vent to him, and also another time during which you can be mutually exclusive in solving these feelings if he is still there and he is trying to engage you in sexual relations and he is aware that you know of his escapades he is probably still wanting to work it out just as much as you are. In those situations communication is absolutely necessary to ensure the relationship. If he does not know that you know, he may be suspicious but you are contributing to the sabotage of your marriage by not confronting him. It's a matter of communication now more than ever and if through this communication you can learn to trust one another again, you have become stronger than ever.

Answer 2

Girlfriend, you need to drop him like second period French. He fooled around on you and he has been caught.

Lets try some word association shall we?
STD
AIDS
HIV
Once a cheater always a cheater.

If he truly cared about you he would never have done anything to hurt you. Of course he begged for your forgiveness, he said he was sorry, he said it would never happen again, he said he would do what ever it would take to make it up to you, right? How do I know? Because that is what they all say when they get caught, as they learn from their mistakes and plot out the next one.

You will never forgive him, no matter what you have told him or no matter what you are trying to tell yourself. It will always be right there in the back of your mind. Why is he late? Must be with his ho. Why did he not answer his cell phone, must be with his ho. It will never end.

Obviously he is wanting to go on like nothing ever happened, but you can not and you are the injured party here not him. He is the one that caused the hurt and the pain. Apparently it is not bothering him.

As for your son. Is THIS the kind of role model you want your son to have? He sees dad treating mom bad so he thinks it is OK to treat his wife bad when he gets married. Kids at any age are very perceptive and you know he is picking up on your sorrow.

The best advice I can give you it to take over the couch and stay there. Make him go get tested for STD's. Don't worry about his feelings because he sure as hell did not care about yours.

Remember this. He did it because he is a pig, it is nothing you did wrong. Some men are just trash and my love you got one of them. Treat him how he treated you, minus the affair. When you cook, do so for only yourself and your son. Do laundry for yourself and your son, let him see what it feels like to be shown little or no respect. I am sure that you do not have the funds to leave him, or I would tell you to do that. Just treat him how he treated you, like he is a no one in your universe.

Answer 3

First off, I'm sorry to hear that your significant other cheated on you. As to your problem with not being able to feel anything, that's normal. Sounds like the trauma is so recent that you're still in the "shock" phase. The common misconception is that you'll get over it -- not true. You don't ever get over it, but you do get through and get on with your life. Be patient with yourself. Do your best to be your "normal" fully functional self, and realize there will be days and times where you just won't feel like putting on a happy face and pretending that everything is hunky-dory, and that's OK. If you have a close friend that you can trust with these issues, talk to her about it -- not in an attempt to cure yourself, but for now just as someone to bounce your emotions (or lack thereof) off of. Eventually it's going to hit you and you'll become VERY upset, and you really need someone there that you can lean on when that happens. It's going to take a long time before you start feeling like your old self again, so don't rush it. Take every day as it comes, and take your time dealing with what happened and how it makes you feel. I'm not going to lie to you; it's going to be rough for a while, and once it hits you it's going to hurt like heck, but over time it'll get easier and it'll hurt less. Good luck, and hang in there!

Answer 4

Give yourself some time a traumatic event takes a little getting over also do not blame yourself for something your partner did if you are having problems with sleeping etc. consider that you may be depressed that will put a damper on the libido why no meds if you need them they can help if you have negative thoughts about yourself learn to regonize them and let your feelings come out it sounds like with the limited information I see that stress and anxiety are a problem

Answer 5

Maybe you are not ready to be sexually active with another person at this point. Just take your (I'm guessing new?) relationship slow and talk to him about your issue. You also might want to try masturbating on your own and getting back in touch with your sexuality without the taint of your (i'm guessing old?) partner.

Also, if you cannot afford a therapist but, feel like you might benefit from talking to some one there are community programs to help people that offer low cost or free counselling. Open up your phone book and take a look to see if there is something like that in your area. Also, universities and colleges with psychologists in training often offer services for the community so, if there is on in your area have a look at their website to see if they have something like that.

Answer 6

aw, give yourself a break, you just had a terrible thing happen and you need time to grieve over the loss. You need to take a long bubble bath, put on some sad music and cry it out. If that doesn't do it for you go to the gym and put on the boxing gloves, punch the crap out of the bag. cry or get mad whatever you need. do it soon so that you can move on.
You deserve to be treated better and you have shut down because of this. Let it out, your son needs the real you not the fake smile you. Believe me he can tell the difference. Good Luck To You.

Answer 7

When my ex-wife had her first affair and I found out I was devastated, We ended the relationship (well she did) and I never did say to her what I felt. She got to see how mad I was that night though when I fought half the police force in my city. A couple months later she called me to come home and I went we had three kids to think about. She gave a half hearted apology and I told her to forget it we all make mistakes and "I forgive her"
As it turned out I never did forgive her. Even though after a while the sex started being good again it was not great because of my resentments that had never been talked through. Our divorce years later ended in a nasty way, my children were hurt emotionally,all kinds of stuff came out. In therapy I am told because of no resolution the first time I was eating away at myself.
I would suggest that you tell your significant other exactly how bad you were hurt, how pissed off you really are, and tell him that if he truly wants to work it out it is going to be at your pace. Tell him exactly what was posted in your question. It is O.K. to be pissed, and it is actually healthy if you tell him you are pissed, get angry and let it out, do not let him off the hook so there will be peace, be mad and show him. Maybe when he knows how he affected you and is truly apathetic to you, you may begin enjoying sex again.

Answer 8

You didn't mention whether you are still in the relationship with the person who was unfaihful to you... if you are, then it's going to take awhile before you can trust him again. You do need to find a counselor to help you deal with your anger and hurt. Go to your county human services bureau and find out what's available, you might be surprised to find it's either free or very inexpensive. Another alternative is to go to the library (free!) and get out some books dealing with repressed anger and healing after infidelity. My other advice is to try to let go of some of the negative energy that you are carrying around. Try to imagine yourself in a happier state of mind, and look around you at the things you have to be thankful for. This is a tough road and it takes time and effort to get through it. Best of luck!

Answer 9

Insurance should pay for a therapist--check it out. Life's too short to live like that, so talk it out with someone.

Answer 10

Have you talked to your 'partner' at the time?? if not, that may be what you need to do - get closure etc. Yes - cry about it!! get everythign off your chest....talk to someone/a friend.