My husband of 5 years does not like my family & refuses to see them...what should I do?

Question

My husband refuses to see my family because they did not support us after a very unpleasant s*xual assault from my cousin. In fact, they continue contact with the perpetrator's family & have just swept the whole incident under the carpet. They cannot understand why we are hurt by this. I find it very upsetting to see them, knowing all this but if I don't see them I miss them, so feel I would be cutting of my nose to spite my face as they say...I've tried explaining to them how I/we feel but they just say because we don't have contact with the perpetrator & his family does not mean to say they don't have to...Am I better off forgetting my family...all they do is upset me when I spend time with them...or will I regret it later? Plus my nieces & nephews are innocent parties in all this...please help!

Answer 1

What kind of parents would continue contact with someone who sexually assaulted their daughter? Tell me that. Honey, I hate to tell you this but your husband is 110% RIGHT on this one. It is your family who is hurting you, not him. He is trying to spare you the pain of enduring spending time with them knowing full well that they don't love you the way he loves you and most certainly don't love you the way they should.

I'm sorry that had to be said that way, but it did. I suggest hashing it out with your parents. If you have children then you understand exactly what I am trying to stay. What would you do if someone assualted your daughter that way? Kill them? Yeah, me too. Look at your parents' reaction vs. the reaction of normal people.

No, you are not better off forgetting your family because your husband IS your family and he loves you dearly. Your nieces and nephews may be innocent parties in all of this and one day when they grow up hopefully you will have the chance to tell them why you could not be there as they grew. As far as the rest of your family is concerned, they are dead to you now. I am so sorry you had to endure something like this.

Answer 2

Well, I am with your husband on this. If your family has refused to identify there is a problem, although they cannot fix it for you, and continues to act as though nothing has happened, then it may be best for you to move on. Its a tough and delicate situation. Maybe you can arrange your nieces and nephews to visit you at your house instead of putting yourself through this tramatic event. Your husband is protecting your best interests in this, by not wanting to be around the family and I cant say that I blame him. Your family is "in the middle of the fence" so to speak. Although the cousin as well as you are both part of the family.. they feel like they are torn between you both. Maybe you could give the family a break, try to deal with your anger, maybe talk to someone bias or even get some consultation to help you deal with the traumatic event you lived thru. It will always be an uncomfortable situation between you and the family. Know though that they cannot do anything about it. Its all in the past and nobody can change that. Deal with it and go on the best you can. I am not taking up for what the cousin did to you, however it does happen, the sad part is that alot of people deal with this everyday. It wreaks havoc on thier daily life. You have come forward and let it be known what has happened to you, therefore you have made the first step in dealing with this. I too was once sexually assaulted by my uncle, years ago. To this day, not many people know about it. Its a secret I hide from my family. I wish I could come forth and tell it like you have. My hats off to you for being strong and I wish you the very best of luck from the bottom of my heart.

Answer 3

I was at first going to tell you how I don't like my in-laws but still get together with them, out of respect for my wife.

Sexual assault is a whole different matter.

I don't know enough to really say one way or another. If your family is actively involved with the perpetrator...... I agree with him.
You cannot hold them responsible for talking to the family of the perpetrator.

My next question is;
Do your parents understand the gravity of the situation or do they not believe you? If they have expressed disgust but don't want to take it out on the rest of the family.... then they have every right to speak with the perpetrators family (just not the perpetrator).

The fact that you are bothered by your parents attitude tells me there's a lot more here going on. Seek some outside (professional) assistance. There are many issues here that need to be resolved. No one on this forum can give you a quick fix.

Answer 4

This is very sad and very complex, but your husband has strong feelings about this which should be respected. At the same time you cannot change the views of your extended family even if you don't agree with them. Maybe they don't understand the psychological affect that you cousins actions has had on your family, as they have never been in a similar situation themselves. Is there any way you can still see the family members who don't upset you at an arranged venue. Maybe in time, things will get better.

Answer 5

I do not think that it is fair to include other people in the differences that you had. The fact that your brother for example indecently assaulted a girl does not mean that you were involved as well. Therefore I do not see why you expect your family to stay out of touch with the offender's family. That is unreasonable. Let the offender be dealt with by law and continue your family relations. And if your own family cannot listen and stand by you in your time of need then are they worth fighting for? Let them go. If they cannot support you when you need them what use are they? Why are they your family?

Answer 6

This is just my thoughts. They are your family and you are hurt by them. People have different ways of dealing with this. First off if your husband wants to stay away as his way then let him do that unless you really ned him to be there for you when somthing out of the ordinary is happening. I would not cut off my family but would let them know how i feel then avoid the subject. You can be selective about which ones you wish to and not talk to. You can go visit and leave as soon as you start to argue or feel uncomfortable. Argueing and fusing will not solve this. Nice discussion with your mother or father when out to eat or something is usually more helpful. But start off being selective to when and who is there when you visit. Most of all do not fuss with those about this jut avoid the needing to talk to them. Treat the ones that you have a problem with like those at work that you have to put up with. I hope you get what I am trying to explain.

Answer 7

I think this is a very hard thing to cope with and you are very brave to tackle it! I would personally say dont cut your family off completely otherwise you may regret it in the future! But maybe the lessen the contact with those who you had the disagreement with.As for seeing the innocent parties within this maybe you could spend more time with them than with the rest of the family so that they dont miss out on having their aunty around?!

Answer 8

I hope you filed charges against the cousin and if you have not, you should consider it. The most important thing is getting a perpetrator off the streets, and making him pay.

Your husband should go with you to family events. He should be there to protect you.

Answer 9

Well for starters , call the cops on your cousin. That might demonstrate the significance of the incident.

Or you might publicise it.

But until they make things right with you, I dont have any issue with his position. They're scum. Do you want to be at a family event with your children(current or future) and have a similar incident occur, because they clearly dont think its a big deal?

Perhaps your husband's family is nicer?

Answer 10

firstly, you have to report the assault to the authorities - it doesn't matter that it's family, just do it! That will get across the seriousness of the incident.

Then tell the whole family that they have acted like a bunch of kids and that you really don't want to see them again because they - and presumably this includes your parents and siblings? - have accepted his word against yours without any discussion.

Your husband is right not to want to see them - and even if this is sorted out legally, I would guess he still won't want to have anything to do with them