How do I prevent my sister from dating idiots?

Question

My sister has a sordid relationship with men. She has made bad choices in the past, one almost leading to violence.

In the past I let her make her own mistakes, but now I am concerned.

Recently she started dating another bad seed that she insists she doesn't want to see anymore.

Yet, he remains in her life and I am afraid she is lying to me about wanting to break up with him.

Give me advice on what I can do to help prevent her from making the same mistakes she has made before.

Is it even my place to interfere?

Thanks for the excellent answers so far. My sister is in her 30s but shows the same pattern with guys she had when she was a teenager.

It doesn't seem like she wants the marriage, kids and commitment type of relationship, yet she can't be alone.

She broke up with one guy...he had money but I surmised had a drinking and possibly a drug problem...and only a few weeks later started dating a guy younger than herself with nothing going on his life.

It doesn't make sense and I can't bloody stand it!

Answer 1

There are many reasons why a woman is drawn to a specific man, or a certain type of men. In the case of your sister, she may have experienced physical abuse from a male during her childhood or teenage years (for example, a father, a grandfather, a male babysitter, etc) and as a result of this trauma she now feels drawn to men who repeat the same type of abuse. People who are abused often seek out abusers to be their romantic partners - it is bizarre but a very real aspect of human psychology.

Another reason is that some women are drawn to "rebels" and "alpha males", the type of men who are confident, rebellious, and very dominant physically. If your sister is drawn to this type of man, it is unlikely you can convince her to date nice guys - she will see them as weak and boring.

In the end, the sad truth is that it may be impossible to save your sister from herself - the best solution for you is to be honest with her, explain to her that she might be drawn to men who are dangerous for her. But if all this fails to convince her, the only thing left is to tell her you love her and support even if you disagree with her.

Answer 2

First, I think it shows really good character that you care about your sister so much.

I have been through similar frustrations with my siblings and friends. What I have learned is that no matter how you hate to see them hurting themselves over and over again, only they can stop it.

You have to accept that each of us have choices to make in life, and the consequences of our choices will come at some point for payment. If she does not know by now that these situations, guys, end up hurting her - then she might never learn.

All you can do is be there for her to let her know you care and that no matter what, you will be there for her. You don't have to give her the impression you advocate her lifestyle or choices, but that doesn't change your love for her.

Life's tough that way - we can only make choices for ourselves and pick up the pieces where those we love are falling apart.

Good luck, and I do sincerely hope she learns sooner than later how to change her life for the better.

Answer 3

I think the only thing you can do is have a serious conversation with her and suggest she see a counselor-type person who may be able to help her discover what's with the attraction to losers.

Is there any chance (with all due respect) that she's not the brightest bulb on the Christmas tree either? I don't mean disrespect, but she's either got emotional baggage or else she's not to bright about this stuff.

Other than the serious and non-judgmental conversation in which you suggest that she talk with someone about going out with a string of losers, I don't think its your place to do anything (unfortauntely). (Wouldn't we all like the power to make loser-partners disappear from the lives of people we love...)

Answer 4

This is what women do. They think it is better to be with a loser than to be alone and independent. They think it is better to be pursued by an idiot than not be pursued at all. Women are hung up on this, "Oh I can't ask a guy out, because it is unlady like". So that is how they justify the loser boyfriend syndrome. If women decided to choose they guys they want to go out with and actually ask them out, they might actually end up with a really neat relationship, rather than just waiting for another stupid dude to come into their life. Women, and I mean all of them, are so dumb when it comes to picking out and being with a good man. Yes, some are lucky, but ask the majority of them, or listen to them talk in the office, and they are all with losers - and they only have themselves to blame.

Answer 5

You can't I know its difficult but the most you can do is give her advice. I have 2 older brothers so I know what I'm talking about plus my sister in law's sister is married to a complete asshole but she won't listen, and lastly my best friend is dating an idiot and she won't listen either.
I guess all I can say is, be a pain in the *** but don't expect her to come around so easily after she will do what she wants. I would be very worried too, try to make her feel like you'll support her whatever she does, maybe she'll confide in you a little bit more.

Answer 6

Unfortunately, you can't actually stop her from doing something she wants to do, especially because she is an adult. But chances are, she doesn't actually want to live this way, she just doesn't know how not to. Maybe instead of nagging her about her relationship choices, you could try to be there and offer her other options besides dating losers. There really is no easy answer to this, and it is not something that you can handle on your own. I don't know what your religious/spiritual beliefs are, but I have always found that praying helps too. Good luck with this situation!

Answer 7

Lock her in a closet? Although I think it's great that you want to protect your sis, there's really not too much you can do. I've always been the type, that when someone tries to push me too hard in one direction, I'll go the opposite way just because. As far as if it's your place goes, you're her family, you're gonna do whatever you feel is necessary to keep her safe as much as possible. It's human nature to try to protect the ones we love, whether they want it or not. Try keeping an eye on her from afar, maybe if you do that, you won't piss her off so much that she'll still keep you in the loop so to speak. Better to be somewhat involved in her life than not at all. Watch , then step in when it's absolutely necessary.

Answer 8

Basically it's juz a matter of choice. Your Sis juz likes idiots. You can tell her anything but human will juz always make an emotional choice. No use telling people what's good or bad for them. What you should do is be prepared to be there when she needs you. eg.. after a break up or if things starts to get voilent. Alternatively, you can intro a great guy to her. But she may not like him doh...

Answer 9

You can't. Seriously, she needs to change the people she hangs out with for a start. They influence her thinking.

Also, bring her to see psychiatrist or counsellor to find out what is the underlying reason of this cycle and break the cycle. Possibly she might have some trauma or disappointment a tender age that she might not have even realize.

It is not up to you to dictate her life but you care for her. Hope she listens to you and see her bf's flaws.

Answer 10

You can only be there for her and give her good advice. If you butt in too much she will just shut you out and then when she needs you she will be afraid to come to you. But try to show her the pattern that she is in with these bad guys she keeps dating.