When should I tell my daughter about her biological father?

Question

I would like opinions on when I should tell my daughter about her biological father. He hasn't seen her since she was about two years old. I don't think she remembers him because at that time she did not visit him regularly. She will be five years old in a few weeks and I think she understands enough about how families work to understand the difference between a biological father and father figure. My boyfriend is a father figure for my daughter. He has been in her life since she was 11 months old. She calls him by his first name but refers to him as daddy (for example "My daddy gave me juice."). I have no intention on having my daughter visit her biological father. I just think she should know especially because he lives in the same city and has other children a little older and a little younger than my daughter and we live in a small city and she may encounter one of his other children or even her biological father in public when I'm not with her (like at school).

Just some more info...
My daughter's biological father is no longer visiting my daughter because of his inconsistency in visiting her. She hated to go because she would cry she was so young and didn't know who he was. She didn't have his trust and he didn't try to help that. He would skip visits and when he did go he would pick her up and take her to his parents then he would leave and come back around the time to bring her back to me. I tried to talk to him about his actions but he was always aggressive and didn't want to change. He would bring gifts the next time. He is also involved in an unhealthy lifestyle (heavy drinking, drugs and violence). I started not answering his few phone calls and he stopped after a few weeks. His family has been trying to talk to me in public when I have my daughter with me. I ignore them when they talk to me and my daughter hasn't heard or seen them say things to me so far. I worry she will though soon.

There's more...
My daughter's biological father is caucasian (white). I am latina. My skin is brown and my hair is black. My whole family physically looks like this. My boyfriend is also latino dark skinned with black hair. My daughter has white skin and brown and blonde hair. I have a younger son with my boyfriend now and he obviously has dark skin and black hair. My daughter knows she looks different. She says "Mom, I have white skin and you have brown skin?" and I say "Yes." and she says "But I'm Mexican!" (meaning she's of Mexican decent) and I say "Yes, that's right." I don't think she feels different but I do think she knows that she looks different. She will soon figure out that children look like their parents and although she looks just like me (same facial features) ... she is significantly lighter than me. I don't want someone (child at school for instance) to point this out to her and for her to become angry or confused because she never considered it before.

Answer 1

Wait until questions start, and then give very general, non-colored/non-condemning answers. As she gets older, fill in the details about the circumstances of her father's departure-- in an honest but least-castigating-possible manner-- as her own knowledge of the world fills in.

Answer 2

Ok I am a man with personal experience here. I was married 2 times we had 2 kids together and she had 2 previous I adopted the 2 and after 8 years we divorced and I had to pay support on the 2 big deal I wanted them. Now second time I do it again and was divorced by her 2 months later.That was a scam.Anyhow I will get to the point.If this little girl loves this man and calls him Daddy great she needs that figure in her life.If she is 5 or 6 tell her about her real Dad and say .We have "Sam" who loves you and Mommy with all his heart and wants to be here for us so he can be your Daddy and you can love him for he is the one that is here for us and keeping us safe.
What I am saying is be so sure "Sam" is the man who will be there forever and don't let it fall apart or she will be hurt for life and confused. I hope I helped you out here in some way. Be a Family for her.

Answer 3

You should tell here when she is mentally ready for it and i mean really ready because this can have a great affect on the rest of her life. But when ever you tell her what happened, DO NOT make him to be a bad guy let her know that you 2 had differences and being together was not the best thing at the time, and pray that JESUS CHRIST comes in and changes his heart and he grows up and will open up to be the father that he needs to be in the near future. Just let her form her own opinion of what kind of person he is and if he is no good she will see, your only job is to make sure he does not hurt her mentally, and that is to keep letting her down. You must know that GOD is the only hope in alot of cases and this might be one. So just pray and ask GOD to come into you first that he may come into him .

GOD BLESS YOU

Answer 4

Wow. What a serious question. I have too much experience in this area. I was a child like your own. I did not meet my real father until I was 15. I hadn't seen him since I was two. When it came down to it, it didn't matter what my mother said about him. I had to find out for myself. My stepfather had raised me since I was 2 1/2. My own children's bio father died when they were 3 and 1 1/2 years old. It certainly will come back to haunt you if you don't tell the truth. Regardless of how bad the bio parent is, the kids will still be mad at you because they feel it is their family, their history, their parent and should be the ones to decide. As much as it hurts, you should tell her the truth and expose her to his side of the family. It will all come out in the wash, and you won't be to blame, she won't hate you later because you kept him from her. She will value her stepfather because of what he contributes to her life, not his DNA. It is certainley not easy for us mother's in this situation, but they have got to find their own way. Any interference from you will be viewed as just that...interference. Believe me, I have been on both sides. I made sure my children had contact with their paternal grandparents since the beginning, and very glad I did. It may be years down the road, but they will know, as I already do, how you loved them unselfishly.

Answer 5

I hope other pregnant couples read your story and decide to get married to the fathers of their children before they are born illegitimate. Tell your daughter the positive truth beginning with information she can understand at her young age now. Keep telling her the truth as she grows up without bad mouthing her biological father. You know her birth is not all his fault. You chose to screw him. What's troubling is that you didn't learn anything from your first relationship, you have now compounded you problems with relationship number two and bastard child number two. Lady, and I use the term loosely, you're going to have to deal with two children that disrespects both fathers and their mother. Why don't you start doing this properly and marry the man you are now with, or leave him and marry your daughter's biological father before you add the third bastard to you wretched life?

Answer 6

Well my mom told me about my biological father when i was in 4th grade which i was like 9 or 10. My stepdad has known me my whole life and also my sister we are biological sisters and then i have a 3 stepsisters and a stepbrother. My mom doesn't want my dad to visit us because he has been in prison for 15 years (in march) that's when he'll get out and i'll be 16 you need to tell her when ever you feel she'll understand. If you ever need to talk you can email me i am very advanced for my age and can help you out.

Answer 7

my daughter is 12 years old now and I am remarried and I know
exactly what your talking about because I was in the same
situation that you are now and her biological dad hasn't seen her
since she was 2 I did wait until she was around 5 to tell her and
she understood but she calls her stepfather daddy because that's
the only daddy that she knows he's been there for her ever since
she was 1 and I think god everyday that he's in our lives and he
treats her as if she was his biological daughter. you tell her when
you think it's right to tell her but don't wait to long or she might
get defensive like I did because I didn't find out about my biological father until I was 18 and it really made me upset knowing that my mom held it from me for that long I always thought that my stepfather was my father I mean don't get me
wrong he did raise me every since I was 3 months old and he has been the best dad in the world but I was always curious about my real dad after that and when I got old enough I found him and he wasn't anything like I expected him to be so thank god
for stepfathers. but just tell her when you feel like it is right and good luck and god bless you.

Answer 8

my this is difficult since every child is different my question to you is whats best for your child is that her mind is content that your boyfriend is daddy in her mind to confuse her will cause problems but in teenage years she be anger for not knowing have you thought about your boyfriend adopting your child this is possible since the father has not played a role in her life if so go for the adoption then when she ask why she has a adoptive dad explains it then right know is not a issue when she ask you or father decided to be in her life then explain such is dad such such is daddy this way they each have a label and that she lucky she was blessed with 2 daddy's or all together tell her now just say you have daddy here and daddy here if she ask way dad doesn't see her say daddy is busy man he loves you very much would you like to write him ask him how hes doing . i ;ve already been through this and its different than you the mother of my husband daughter took her away from her and she didn't find out about her real dad till she was 12 and very emotionally damage by the truth that we love her very much and know we have no relating ship because of the whole mess of what came about my is be honest but show respect to father in her eyes that her dad okay

Answer 9

I would tell her @ 9-10 yrs old. children have a lot of understanding about the world by this age, and are mature enough to put life into perspective. I dont think any younger is good because they cant understand & may blame themselves, and any older is when they enter a very hormonal time that has its own difficulties. Reassurance that she has many people who love her & will always be w/ her is important- and the openess to allow her to meet him if she wishes is also good- best of luck.

Answer 10

As she asks questions, tell her the truth in a fashion that she can understand.

Life is messy & difficult at times. Your love will help your daughter through this 'one of many crisis' in her lives.

He is her biological father; the shame is that she doesn't have a relationship his family. She is apart of him too.

I hope & pray all works out for all concerned! :-)