I'm having trouble "giving in" to my husband?

Question

I really want to hear from those people who are happily married. I need help with the part of marriage where sometimes you need to sacrifice what you really want to do because it doesn't meet the needs of your spouse or isn't good for your marriage. I'm not talking about the big things like cheating or chaning jobs or moving. Just the small things. I hate having to share my desert with my husband, I hate having to turn the TV down low when he goes to bed. I hate sacrificing my desire to have a cat because he is allergic. I am doing this anyways, I share with him, I try to cooperate with him about where to go for dinner, where to move the couch, when to go grocery shopping, but I resent him so much for it. I know it's immature and I would just like to hear from others who have dealt with this issue and how or when they got over it. I'v been married 2 years.

Answer 1

Marriage is about compromise. Sometimes you will have to put up with sharing the dessert or not having a cat, but if he's not doing some compromising of his own that's where resentment will creep in. Does he let you have your way on some things too? If not, you need to talk to him about meeting in the middle.

Answer 2

Yeah, these are the things that can be the hardest to learn to change from getting just what we wanted before marriage to compromising after marriage. But it is these very give and take things that are sometimes the biggest part to having a happy marriage. Have you tried having some time just for you that maybe you can do some of the things that you like? Even in the best of relationships we sometimes need a little time apart. I mean you don't have to do everything apart , maybe just take a few minutes a day to drop by the ice cream shop and get your own treat and talk it out together cause I know that he might have a few things that he would enjoy doing too. But remember every now and then sharing a desert isn't a bad thing either. As to if you ever get over it, I don't know about that cause I know that I do things sometimes that still drives my wife crazy and boy she, well let's just stop there. It's not so much with us as getting over these differences but realizing that some of the things that drives each of us the craziest about each other is the things that over time that we really love about each other. Cause life would be O so boring if we both liked the same on thing all the time. Sure sounds good but just think of that over time. So I hope this helps some. Best of luck.

Answer 3

I am very happily married and I can honestly tell you that I have never felt any resentment toward my husband for the sacrifices that I've made for him and our marriage. I believe that marriage is all about compromise and give and take. I would guess that these small issues are only a disguise for something bigger going on with you and your marriage.

If the only problems in your life are where to go dinner or where to move the couch and you have to be considerate and turn down the tv at night then you should count yourself lucky. There are many people who would love to find someone to share their life with and would not mind making these small sacrifices.

My advice to you is figure out what is really going on and if there is nothing bigger than being selfish, then grow up. Don't go into marriage believing that it is all about you...it is now about the two of you.

Answer 4

Oh, boy, let me take a breath. Firstly, think about the saying - You teach others how to treat you by how you allow them to treat you.-- This is all a matter of assertion, not being aggressive. Yes, in a marriage, there is give and take - and sometimes it is a delicate balance who is in control of what, and sometimes those roles change. It sounds as though you are letting yourself be a doormat, though, and that isn't healthy for either of you. You need to start building yourself back up - by small things, and not by yelling or being mean or being sarcastic, but just suggestions that something be done differently. If he suggests a particular restaurant for dinner, say - that's a good idea, but I would rather go to ___ tonight. Move the furniture when he's away. Grocery shop when you feel like it, and leave him a list to do some. You have given away too much of yourself, and that is why you feel resentful. Unfortunately, you are mad at the wrong person. It is not his fault. You let him do this to you, but you can straighten it out. We all can better ourselves, and you can improve things for yourself. Just do it with a positive spirit and attitude. Good luck!

Answer 5

What were your expectations when you decided to get married? If you wanted to live your life without having to compromise, then marriage, perhaps, wasn't the best decision for you. If say you lived on your own, you wouldn't have to do all of those things you so resent having to do at this moment.

I'm thinking maybe there are some deeper issues that you have not mentioned in your post. Does your husband compromise/share with you? Does he sacrifice and go out of his way at times to please you? It could be that you're not feeling like he is, and that is why YOU question why YOU are having to when he doesn't.

Marriage takes a lot of compromise and patience. It's not always 50/50. Sometimes you have to give 95 and when he can only give you 5, and vice versa.

Answer 6

That's what marriage is all about - compromise.

And, there are always alternatives. For instance, regarding the issues you mentioned:
- Order two deserts. That way you get to try two.
- Buy a wireless headset so you can watch TV as loud as you want after he goes to bed.
- There are sprays and cleansers that cut down on cat dander that work quite well. There are also species of cats that cause those allergic less problems.

If you are the only one compromising, then there's a problem. A good relationship is give and take.

Answer 7

My first thought after reading your question was, does your husband cooperate and compromise with you? Does he give you "equal time" in choosing the things and activities that you like to do? If so, then you do need to work on learning to compromise and sharing more. If he doesn't, and you are the one that is always "giving in" then you really have a problem here, because your resentment is based on inequality between the two of you.

I know that many women face this and many women just let the man have their way because it is easier. But it causes exactly the problem you are expressing.

I would suggest talking with your husband about this subject. In a very non-confrontational way. Choose words like: I feel such and such when.... or I would like to do such and such tonight and tomorrow we can do what you like.

Hope this helps

Answer 8

Find solutions to what annoys you. Headsets, quality time with a friends cat, two desserts, etc. Everytime you get annoyed, stop and think back to the last thing he did, where you really appreciated him being in your life. Don't sweat the small stuff. In twenty years, will you really care if made you share dessert? And if it annoys you this much, you might want to look at some underlying issues...it could be, that this is part of a larger issue.
Love him, Love yourself, give with both hands.

Answer 9

I'm 31 been married 14 years.. Yeah wow!!! Dealing with these issues is completely normal. you are not immature, it's just before we get married we are by ourselves and don't have to worry about other peoples habits.. Through out my marrige I have learned that the volume of the t.v or such is not really the important things in life. You need to treat yourself to someting once in a while to make yourself seprate.

Answer 10

The following qualities are necessary for a woman:
1> honesty
2> loyalty
3> trustworthiness
4> giving
5> flexible

The problem to me is that you appear not to be giving or flexible. Why is that? It has nothing to do with your husband and more to do with your "attitude"! It is a cop-out to blame him. The little things in a marriage are what slowly chip away at it until the marriage is down to sawdust. The best way to improve anything in life is to look in the mirror. Good luck.