What do you think of this poem?

Question

....and be honest. (I don't mind critics.)

Not Enough

As a stranger was my witness
I was falling in love
But it will never be enough
The air between us too thick
For me to reach out and touch
I do all I can to catch you
So tired of running, you’re so much faster
As you grow bigger, I only get smaller
I had my slim chance
But it wasn’t enough
You were just inside the walls
The walls that I just wasn’t strong enough to break
As you drift away from me
Floating towards something else
I learn that I will never be enough

Answer 1

I concur that it's wordy in places.

Think about the structure of your poem, its conceptual underpinnings. It's essentially a series of metaphors that convey your apparent inadequacy in relation to your beloved; how do those metaphors build on or contrast with one another? My impression is that they don't meaningfully interact, but rather repeat the same basic idea in different forms. For example, I don't understand the distinction between the air being impenetrably thick between you two and your separation by an impenetrable wall. What does the wall offer the reader that the thick air doesn't?

The best thing that you can do for your poetry is to develop your ideas. It's fine to write in metaphors, but -- remember this -- every single one should serve a purpose. Try to find one very good metaphor, and use it as an armature on which to suspend your ancillary ideas. That is, find one very fitting metaphor for how you feel and let it dominate or center your poem, providing a kind of narrative flow.

Speaking of narrative: your poem has kind of a rudimentary narrative going, which raises some complications that need to be addressed. You start in past progressive tense (was falling), then transition to future in the next line (will be), then switch to the present for a few lines (do, grow, etc.), then to the past (had, wasn't), then to the present again (drift, learn). And the final clause is in the future tense. I think your poem would be more cohesive if you streamlined things a bit -- get your tenses together and tell a story.

Look how much stronger your opening is in present tense:
As a stranger is my witness,
I am falling in love
But it is never enough.

When I was writing that, I inadvertently added punctuation. Consider doing that, too; if you have a reason for omitting punctuation, make sure that it's a strong one.

Altogether, a very good effort. Keep writing! :-)

Answer 2

"The walls that I just wasn’t strong enough to break"
this is too wordy...

and if something is repeatedly stated, it's not going to be discovered at the end of the poem. (so you already knew you weren't enough, and didn't learn it at the very end of the poem, since you'd stated it several times before then...rewording it would be best!)

Other than that, it's very well composed, particularly for your age group ^_^
bravo!
keep up the good work!

btw-it's wordy (the word "just" doesn't belong in a poem that is composed on incomplete sentences, cuz it seems like it's pulling too much on trying to force something to be said that can be said much simpler...with "so tired of running, You're so much faster" then maybe instead "many walls built up, I'm too weak to break"

etc...
(that's an idea, you can use it or create something else similar!)
:)
again, good luck!

Answer 3

i think most of the lines are great, and the purpose of the poem was good but cliched, and that you can try to do something with syllables

Answer 4

The first taste of shyness... confrontation of the inner being !

Answer 5

Awesome I give it an A++

Answer 6

Beautiful ...
Plain but touching ...
Representating many people feeling ...

Answer 7

Greats! but it just all about youlife.

Answer 8

I have heard and written better.

Answer 9

it really doesnt sound like forsomeone to read that catches ther attention its just plain borin!!!!