I'm getting married on Saturday. We're having a gigantic American-style wedding - church ceremony, over 250 guests with a sit-down dinner, a very large, formal event. The next day, Sunday, my husband's uncle is having a backyard BBQ 40 miles from our house, to honor his son (husband's cousin) and wife, who lives 2000 miles away, hasn't been home for 2 years, and eloped about a year ago. I've never met either and won't until Friday at the Rehearsal dinner.
On Monday, husband and I leave for 3 week trip out of the country. Needless to say, I need to pack and get ready.
I want to spend Sunday, the day between the wedding and the honeymoon, relaxing at home, and packing. Husband insists he will attend this BBQ, I won't go. Am I wrong? Aside from practical reasons, how can I convince him to not go? Why would he want to spend his first day of being married by hanging out with his famliy instead of me? This cousin hid his marriage from his family for a year, BTW.
2006-09-25 10:25:41 · 23 answers · asked by trekbride 1 in Family & Relationships ➔ Marriage & Divorce
I should add I see the rest of his family weekly or more, we only see mine monthly, and I work lots so have no time to pack except Sunday. And I don't like his family, so 3 days in a row (reh. dinner friday, too) is too much.
2006-09-25 10:32:56 · update #1
Also, I am exhausted from wedding planning, and just want a day to SLEEP, as I haven't had one in months, and this BBQ just came up on short notice.
2006-09-25 10:38:30 · update #2
pack before hand, go to the party, smile, leave on your trip.
2006-09-25 10:36:03 · answer #1 · answered by SF Guy 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Its a little selfish of you. I'm sure your husbands family is close and that is why he wants to attend the BBQ. You're going on a 3 week honeymoon out of the country. Let the guy have the day with his family. My friend had kind of the same thing happen the day after her wedding. Her wedding was on a Saturday. Her husbands parents and family came from all over the country to the wedding. Most of them including his Mom and Dad stayed til Monday, so their wedding night, they went to a nice resort nearby and then visited with the family on Sunday. Monday morning when everyone was leaving, they left on their honeymoon. It worked out fine. You don't want your married life to start off in a fight. Go to the BBQ with your new hubby!
2006-09-25 10:36:10 · answer #2 · answered by ? 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Yes, you are being selfish. It doesn't take 24 hours to pack and it doesn't take 24 hours to drive 80 miles round trip, enjoy a drink or two, tell some jokes, meet new people, bond with some of the new people, have a free meal, etc. You are getting married. Number one rule in marriage is compromise. You will have 3 weeks of no family what so ever. You husband has known his family all of his life, how long has he known you? They have been there from his first everything, you haven't been. You need to go. They will be his family until death, the way your going before you even get married, you won't be there by his side until death, unless you stop being so selfish.
2006-09-25 11:55:09 · answer #3 · answered by bmoline 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
COMPROMISE! You'd better learn it now. Everyone said it best, you have 3 weeks to rest, sleep and be with your new husband. Sure it's a lot and you'd like to have the day to get ready - but it's his family he doesn't see, and it's only a BBQ. Be supportive and DON'T go with an attitude. I guarantee he will think the world of you and be so appreciative of your willing spirit. Think of how wonderful your honeymoon is going to be - starting off with your first test as a wife to know what's worth fighting for and what isn't!
2006-09-25 10:56:48 · answer #4 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
You are wrong, very wrong and very selfish. 2000 miles and has not been home in 2 years and you can not give up one day, actually one part of one day to support your new husband and his family the day before you leave for your honeymoon? I just wonder how romantic and loving your husband will be on the honeymoon to his new wife that will not get off her butt and go support him at a big family event like that... If it was me and you had told me that before we got married, I would have to really think hard about what kind of woman I was marrying and maybe not even show up to the wedding...WOW you are selfish!
2006-09-25 10:35:43 · answer #5 · answered by Suthern R 5 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Granted you are all going to be worn out from such a weekend, but he really should be at that other event since those relatives are never here to keep acquainted with. Maybe you could compromise that you only go for like a couple hours instead of a full day? And create some other appointment that makes it easier for your husband to leave to get back to so he can't say, "Let's just stay a little bit longer."
2006-09-25 10:31:49 · answer #6 · answered by eddweeness 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
you have to be better than the cousin that eloped.
They will be there for your wedding, right?
Even if they aren't going to be there for your wedding, you have to act better than them! You aren't automatically better than them for inviting everyone and their cousin to your wedding, but you are worse for acting like you are.
This is nothing to do with "Obey your hubby" (not to mention how friggin sexist that is)...
Marriage is about compromise!! you are so lucky to only have to go 40 miles to the barbecue! You won't be a lifetime away from home...take your own vehicle, and if you decide you cannot stay long, at least congratulating them...show them you are a good person! They will love you for it!
Surprise them with a gift, and then explain your predicament, and apologize for not being able to stick around as long as you would like!
now, don't convince him not to go, it's plain selfishness! No offense to you, but we all compromise. His family will be celebrating, and how abrasive it is to make everyone go to your celebration, give gifts!! and then you say "I am better than you though, and do not want us, as a newly wed couple, to see you during your celebrations"
Now...the thing here is...you are getting married For Better Or For Worse.
You really need to learn to compromise (you aren't sacrificing much by taking an hour and a half in total drive time and getting free food in compensation!!!...who's better? the couple that hid their marriage or the couple that says "we won't attend cuz they didn't serve us a big dinner after they eloped")...
Just be the better couple!! You know you are not acting right in this situation, and I completely understand where you are coming from!!!
I have consistently been put in situations with my current bf that i didn't want to be in! I would do these things so that his family would think better of me, and better of us in our relationship! (ie-going to cath. church, and neither of us are catholic, but we were showing how much we do love eachother!)
please rethink trying to control your hubby's life.
It's not the best answer, and there are better ways to work around issues in your relationship.
And if you do continue to act in this way, and do not learn compromise, you will not last in such a gift of a beautiful marriage. Control issues are not good on anyone's part.
Good luck!!!
I know I said some things that are hard to read! It's advice even I have difficulty taking! My bf and I have learned to master the art of fine balance between us and family as well as a long distance relationship.
Takes a lot of energy, ok? Keep your head up! it will get better, just work together as a partnership! That IS what you are!!!!!
:)
ETA: while half the family was in the area for your wedding, it's convenient to plan this bbq reception because everyone's in the area, so it minimizes travelling costs...it's actually very smart on their part, even if it does seem selfish. You should be glad they didn't plan it for 2000 miles away--where they live!!!
again...good luck!! ^_^ and you could always have hubby drive and get inebriated...LOL
2006-09-25 10:50:28 · answer #7 · answered by silver butterfly 3 · 1⤊ 0⤋
You are a part of his family, now, he'll be hanging out with you, too. Pack now, that way you won't have to worry about anything and wind up fighting with him. He hasn't seen these people in quite a while, and you aren't leaving until Monday. BBQ's are fun and just think of all of the attention YOU will get. Don't fight, just go, it will be fun. Relax!!!! Pack now, don't worry about anything until after the honeymoon. Trust me, you will regret a fight with him so soon after your wedding. Go and have fun, honey, as I said, you are family now.
2006-09-25 10:32:05 · answer #8 · answered by brandiwhine 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Go with hubby. Pack and get everything ready before you get married so you don't have to rush around after you guys get back from the party. Just go for a few hours then come home and relax. Good luck and have a safe trip.
2006-09-25 10:33:46 · answer #9 · answered by BadAssGirlINWV 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Bloody hell woman! You two obviously live together, so what is the big deal? Why don't you already have most of the packing done NOW? You are going to have your husband all to yourself for 3 weeks. He hasn't seen his cousin in a few years, so of course he wants to. So what if they hid their marriage? That doesn't make them any less his family. You should go, or it is going to bother him and make you look like a controlling hag. Marriage is about compromise and sometimes doing things you really don't want to just to make your spouse happy.
2006-09-25 10:31:46 · answer #10 · answered by AsianPersuasion :) 7 · 2⤊ 0⤋
Like most anything in a marriage, compromise is important. Agree to let your husband go, and maybe even go with him, but don't make it an all day affair. Just go, spend a few hours. You'll still be able to pack just fine. Just talk with him about it--don't be too stubborn, but don't let him just push all over you either. Make a rational, adult decision TOGETHER.
Congrats, btw. And have an AMAZING honeymoon. :-)
2006-09-25 10:32:21 · answer #11 · answered by im_just_me_612 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋