Should I get a divorce?

Question

My husband and I argue constantly, it seems like we can't even speak to each other anymore without screaming. He says it's me, I say it's him. We both try to change but fall right back into the pattern of screaming at each other. I don't know what to do. It's getting worse all the time. We have a small child and I don't want her growing up thinking the way we treat each other is right. He wants to stay together for her and I'd rather her see us as better people apart then monsters together. I grew up in an abusive household and I don't want to put my daughter through that. He grew up in a househould where his Father treats his Mother like dirt and still does to this day. He tells me he honestly doesn't mean to talk to me the way he does, that he doesn't even notice. I am getting so fed up with it that I explode when he treats me disrespectfully. I can't stand it anymore. What can I do? I don't want to give up on us, I love him, but he refuses to go to counseling.

Answer 1

Well, your situation should not be a surprise given that you both grew up in abusive homes! Since he didn't have a good role model as a loving father/husband and you observed abusive love, you both NEED to LEARN the skills to be better partners. If he doesn't go to counseling, maybe you should take the lead and go learn those tools for yourself. You're not going to turn into a "healthy" partner the moment you meet someone else. Chances are you would have SOME of these problems no matter whom you were with. Go to counseling/therapy for you and your child. Endurance means that you give to the other person whether you think they deserve it or not. It takes STRENGTH, but how about starting with changing YOU? Tell yourself that as it depends upon you, you will not engage or respond to abusive behavior. He can't fight with you if don't let him. Someone has to be strong enough to break the cycle. If you commit to it, you'll see a change. If you are a loving, kind, partner and mother - don't let his issues change you. Persevere, lead with love, and educate yourself!!!!! If he remains abusive to you and your child and doesn't show improvement or willingness to change - then you'll have to make that choice. Until then, there's alot you can do in this situation to make it better. And it starts with not treating him like the enemy. It's all you both have known, and you both need help to deal with it. Good Luck

Answer 2

10 Tips to Get Your Relationship Back On Tracks

1.Focus on your own behavior. Although it takes two to make relationships work, you need to focus on the part that is in your control.
2.Think before you speak or act. Practice thinking, “Will what I am about to do or say help or hurt this relationship?”
3.Do less of what hurts. Often the hurtful interactions need to reduce before you can talk about tough issues or improve the relationship.
4.Do more what helps. Remember times you have related better in the past and recreate those conditions if you can.
5.Interrupt the usual pattern. Plan ahead to do at least one thing different and notice what helps.
6.Break your partner’s negative stereotype of you. Surprise your partner by doing the opposite of any behavior of you.
7.Realise there is more than one way to see a situation. You do not have to agree with how your partner is seeing things, but you can at least respect they have their own view.
8.Seek compromises or understandings for the future. Make suggestions about what you both could do in the future to help.
9.Realise that lasting change requires practice and persistence. Setbacks need to be seen as an opportunity to learn and to revise or recommit to the plan for change.
10.Seek professional help. Remember that you are always better to act sooner, rather than to leave it until things are much worse.

Try not to argue around your child it doesnt help any situation when everyone gets upset.
Be happy
Smile a lot!

Answer 3

I'm so ashamed but maybe this might help.Me and my wife split up and fought so much I can't remember how often we split up.We even started going to church hoping that would help.My wife started taking the church bit very serious,reading her bible and stuff like that .She read how a soft answer will turn away wrath.Now I might sound like I am preaching but this is the truth.No body should have to go through this but she did.We both had a habit of quarreling but she had decided to stop.I continued sceaming at every little thing that went wrong.She gave a soft answer in reply and even apologized to me the fool.This went on for at least 2-3 months I am kinda slow but I had really developed a bad habit.I started feeling ashamed once I realized I was left alone to my own demise.That's when things changed and I started reading the stuff she was reading.And now we have eight children and 14 grandchildren and hardly ever lift our voices to one another,and if we do there is an apology made within a few minutes.

Answer 4

Well it seems since he has no interest in counseling then that would be saying he's not really serious about holding onto the marriage. So I'd say to him if he really would like to make a go of the marriage that he either go to counseling with you or to see a lawyer because nothing you've both tried to do to make things better seems to have worked. Your right arguing all the time isn't good for the child.

Answer 5

How long have you been married? I think this is a situation of communication your opinion over his and his over yours. In the thick of it all, realistically, its very common for individuals to re-establish the same environment in a marriage that they grew up in. Have you heard of this?"A woman will marry a man like her father". Visa verse a man. I wouldn't just throw away the towel just yet. Try and get some counseling first. The best bet would be individual counseling first and then marriage second. Two different characters take awhile to re-adjust, it takes time, understanding and commitment. You hang in there and think it over for awhile. Just remember marriage is a long term partnership. Its a long term example for you child and his/hers mental development.

Answer 6

I say spend some time apart. Both backgrounds might be the cause of the personal aggression towards the other. The time apart may be needed to see how big the fame of love is. You two can calm down and appreciate what qualities you like in the other. A divorce may not have to be the answer. If he feels the same, time apart may prove beneficial for the whole family and your relationship with each other.

Answer 7

Sometimes giving up is the answer, you have to take care of yourself and your child you are so right not to want your child to see what's going on so do what you feel is the right thing and get out, trust me the sooner the better, the two of you can remain friends for your daughter,if he really cares you'll know then.

Answer 8

Just because you and your husband are the products of abusive households doesn't mean that that has to carry over to your own house. If you love you husband as you say you do and if he wants to remain in the marriage, well then you guys are gonna have to behave yourselves.
First off, if he begins to yell at you, just tell him that that was all you put up during your early years at home and you refuse to have that same environment in your own home. And in your turn, when you start mouthing off to him, just remember what goes around comes around.
One of you has to affect change and it might as well be you. Bite your tongue when you are about to lash out and believe me, with pratice you guys can learn to get along.

Answer 9

Sounds like you are focusing more on arguing with him then focusing on you yourself. Sure, no-one wants to give up on a marriage. We as humans, take rejection and failure hard. But, it's not failure. If you love your kid, get out of the marriage. Sure, you may think you are suffering and so is he, but in the end, think of all the years your child has to see this form of abuse. History repeats itself, and you could've prevented it. And when that happens, then you have the right to say the word "failure". Because you let it continue.

Answer 10

Do what's best for your child. If this means getting out of a marriage, do it. Do you have any idea what it's like for your little girl to have to go to bed every night listening to this -- to wake up hearing it in the middle of the night -- to blame herself for it? Of course you do! You went through it yourself!

Do you want that for her? Even when you don't think she hears you or understands what's going on, she does. And she is too young to understand that it is not her fault.

If he won't see a counselor, get out of there Even if he will and things don't get better, get out of there. Your child only has one childhood, and she has no control over her environment.

Not all the kids from "broken homes" are children of divorce -- some of them are forced to keep living in the middle of the wreckage.