My wife has had an emotional affair with another man. Though this is VERY devistating to me, I still want this marriage. After three long months of decision making, my wife has determined that she too would like to try to reconcile.
Part of where we went wrong was not having boundries in our marriage... do's and dont's.
I have proposed the first one that I think is critical to our success.
I have requested that she cease any relationship with the person she had the "affiair" with.
She has told me that this is not an option. She deems that relationship "critical". She has said that they have both agreed that they could go back to being just friends. I am not comfortable with that.
Proposing this boundary has caused tension between us and has hindered our reconcilliation process.
Is it possible that I was wrong in my request?
Should I allow the "frienship" to continue just to prevent a backslide in our reconcilliation?
2006-09-25 09:56:04 · 21 answers · asked by jah_love_97 2 in Family & Relationships ➔ Marriage & Divorce
She's leaving herself a big, fat trapdoor, and if you're not careful, both she and your marriage are going to disappear through it.
You've put up with enough. You don't owe her any more concessions. You've been more than generous as it is.
Tell her that as a condition of the marriage continuing, this "friendship" has to end. Stick by what you say. If she is serious about getting your marriage back on track, she will make the sacrifice. If not, you are always going to be on pins and needles, which is totally unfair to you.
Ultimatums aren't always a good thing to bring into relationships, but in this case you have to put your foot down. Either you are going to stay married or you are not, but there is no room in any marriage for a third party waiting in the background.
No matter how well she means, once you've had a physical relationship with someone, it's a bell you can't unring, and they are especially vulnerable to resuming the affair if the only reason they quit was that they were caught. Other Guy has to be placed firmly into the past.
2006-09-25 10:07:29 · answer #1 · answered by sparticle 4 · 1⤊ 0⤋
This is such a sad story. I am very sorry for you. You are NOT wrong in asking your wife to cease talking to this man. In my experience, your wife should willingly oblige to your request if she truly loved you. I am so sorry to say that, but wouldn't you do anything to make her happy and be together?? It seems that you care about her more than she does for you. Apparently you are willing to do whatever it takes to make this relationship succeed.... part of you is thinking you should "accept" her friendship with this man so that you can reconcile. Why should you make a sacrifice to make the relationship work (your feelings). When she isn't willing to sacrifice to make it work?!
I cannot stress enough how wrong she is in this situation! No person deserves this. No realtionship is too critical that you will sacrifice your marriage. What she did was wrong! If she truly loved you she would end her friendship with this man. Granted maybe they have agreed to stop the "affair", but how can you still trust her if she is still talking to him? You can't be expected to. She made a mistake and now she needs to fix it. DON'T FEEL BAD FOR HER MISTAKE!
Good Luck!
2006-09-25 17:06:33 · answer #2 · answered by kristina 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
You should get a divorce. She has demonstrated her loyalty.....and it is to someone other than you. There is no way they can go back to being 'just friends' after a relationship. The whole "unaware of the boundaries" thing is a load of crap. Whatever you or your partner wouldn't do/say with someone else while you/ your partner is around, or you or your partner doesn't want each other to know about....IS CHEATING. Period.
It boggles me that you still want to continue a marriage with someone who is clearly loyal to someone else. And why are you waiting for her to choose what you are going to do with the rest of your life?
You should be requesting a divorce, not building a wall around someone who clearly doesn't want one. She must have some other reasons for wanting to stay with you (maybe financial security?) when she clearly wants to be with someone else.
Move on, grow some self respect, and find a more honest and loyal woman.
2006-09-25 17:16:30 · answer #3 · answered by pandora the cat 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
You are right. She should not have any type of relationship with the person. Any lingering relationship shows that she is not ready to give it up. She can't have it both ways. You are not wrong in your request. She should respect you more than she wants to keep that relationship going. As far as boundaries, you shouldn't have to tell your wife not to have "emotional affairs" with other men.
2006-09-25 17:10:53 · answer #4 · answered by porkchop 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
It is really between you and your wife. Can you be in a realtionship where you are her best friend? Usually before getting married, is when to establish boundries. I mean cause without bounderies in a realtionship, what the heck do you have to go by?
With marriage though, it is a little give and take. I would go to maritial counciling, this can be worked out if both of you really want it to. But that is it, **it takes two to make things work out between two people**
2006-09-25 17:06:19 · answer #5 · answered by justme 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
You are 100% correct and she is so wrong it is not even funny. She screwed up and now should not deny you any reasonable request which I see this as. I would not budge on this. If she does not sever that relationship immediately and forever, she can move out. It really is that simple once you take a step back and get out from all the emotional baggage.
2006-09-25 16:59:17 · answer #6 · answered by javelin 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
2 steps for avoiding affairs.
1. Set boundaries.
2. Don't get in compromising situations.
In your case she is getting in a compromising situation.
Her time would be better spent with you working on the relationship.
2006-09-25 18:09:44 · answer #7 · answered by ? 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
She is unbelievably out of line to even suggest that she should still have any sort of a relationship with this man. Your marraige should be the only "critical" relationship she has. You are in no way wrong.
2006-09-25 17:26:32 · answer #8 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
Dude...the affair was enough of a slap in the face. Now her refusal is just like spitting in your face.
Dump her and find someone that knows what it means to love someone.
She values her relationship with him more than your marriage.
Do the math and move on.
2006-09-25 17:46:24 · answer #9 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
If she cannot handle that toss her out.
Its a logical limit to allow your effort toward reconciling.
You do not need any competition for her affection.
Worst her not wanting to give it up means she sees nothing wrong with the relationship. There is the crux of the matter.
2006-09-25 17:02:17 · answer #10 · answered by Flagger 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋